• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Making A Very Hard Choice

Status
Not open for further replies.

Astrid_Shadow

Confident
Hey everyone.
It's been a while since I've been here. I had a lot going on in my life and still do. I was talking to my mom today and she asked a question and told me to be honest with her. I have been living with my mom for six years now. In 2012 I had a son with my now ex boyfriend. His family has custody of my son and now I am left with a hard choice. My mom asked me if I wanted to move to where my son is so I can see him more often and be back in his life since I haven't seen him since he was six months old. I didn't give her an answer. I don't know what I should do. Should I leave my family behind to go be with my son or stay home and leave my son without his mother, which I've been doing and I still feel guilty about. My sons 4 years old now and I've already missed so much of his life. My ex was very controlling and abusive. If I go back to my son it means I need to deal with my ex again. I don't know what to do anymore guys. On top of it all I wanna get back into a job I was doing but because it gave me ptsd my mom keeps saying no, even though its a very fast way to get money. Another reason I haven't left is because I don't wanna abandon my sister. I haven't known her very long but it just doesn't feel right. My son is 8 hours away so if I do leave I won't be able to see my family much anymore. Any advice would be really appreciated because I'm falling apart because the way I see it I'm leaving someone behind, my family...or my son.
Thanks in advance for reading.
 
When we become adults we learn to leave our family of origin behind to be with the family we create. It's part of growing up. It's not easy, but it's how life goes. It's more important for you to be there for your son than to be there for your mother or sister.
 
I agree although, yes...easier said than done.

I get the impression that your Mom has some concerns about your son and would probably support you in every way she can.

Ultimately your choice, but your son should be one of your top priorities. Hugs to you if you'll accept it.
 
@EveHarrington I don't think that is a fair comparison for use. Because a man abused a partner to cause PTSD, does not mean they will abuse their child. How any abuser views one person, does not equate to how they view others. Most serial killers do heinous things to their victims, yet are often family, community, type people and everyone is in shock that they're a serial killer, being such a model citizen to everyone other than their chosen victims.

@Astrid_Shadow I honestly do not believe anyone can tell you what to do in this situation, because only you can make that decision for yourself. Like mentioned above, tough choice either way. Regardless, it is leave family or continue isolation from your son.

I would honestly make a list of pro's and con's for both decisions, see which one sits best with you.
 
Agree that this is a tough choice. I wonder if it would help to consider some kind of middle ground. I mean that literally. Is there any way to live w/in easier driving distance? That will allow you to be in his life and yet give you safe distance from your ex.
 
My ex-H was a very angry serviceman, gambling addict with many nice qualities that he showed other people quite often. During our split, we lived on separate sides of the USA Coastline. I raised my son with me and had a legal child custody document hammered out which allowed my ex to be part of his life during summers, alternating holidays, ect. Over the years as my son became older, we alternated some of the years. Airlines, have a service to assist children with travel for a fee and make sure the child arrives from hand off to hand off relatively smooth.

I guess what I am offering is that with your job that allows quick monetary economics, is there not the same opportunities within your country's legal system to work out some visitation rights? I just am offering there is sometimes other options than either -or- thinking. As well, I went to therapy during that time, in order to sort things out on whether or not to relocate and leave my family of origin behind. For many years my Son interacted with my family as well as his Dad's. But it was important for me to acknowledge what I wanted to do on the bottom line in order to be true to myself and transfer that contentment to my Son.

Best of luck with unraveling the threads that mean the most to your heart on this journey to heal. (((hugs))) if you accept.
 
I can't help but think that you will deeply regret it for the rest of your life if you don't go be with your son. That said, I don't know anything about your background and I don't know how stable you are right now. If going to be with your son means you might spiral out of control and become very very unstable, then I think you need to do some serious planning and find a way to do it, but do it with a strong support system in place to help you cope. That is especially true regarding your ex -- it sounds like he'd be a major trigger. Do you know anyone where your son lives, or have any friends there? How has your ex been towards you recently, does he give you updates and stuff about your son or does he not want to allow you any visitation? I definitely think your son needs you more than your family does, but I can totally understand your concerns about moving. BUT it also might help you become stronger to be closer to your son ... give you more motivation, etc
 
Not everyone is built to be a parent. I'm sure plenty people here can agree with that. I think you need to be really brutally honest to yourself.

Will being in your sons life be a good thing for him? Or will he have to see you and your ex fighting all th time? Will you be so unwell because of your ex that you won't be able to take him to the park, or listen to him without being dismissive/ dissociative.

Just because you have a biological connection doesn't necessarily mean you will have a positive impact on his life. My childhood would've been a lot better if my mother got help for her mental illness. Even if it meant her staying away. What recovery4me says is worth looking into.

All if this of course depends on how symptomatic you are and how well you are using coping techniques. Perhaps your mother brought this up now because you are seeming more balanced of late. Then maybe is more to go with your sons age.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top