Thanks in advance for reading this long entry and sharing your wisdoms.
My husband is a combat vet with a 15 mo and a 12 mo tour - Afghanistan between 2007-08, 2009-10. He showed some signs (numbness, drinking more) after 2nd deployment and did a little bit of counseling (the reintegration) but said he was fine/better. And he definitely didn’t want in on record to ruin his career. We had one child at this time. We were at two other duty stations, then he got out in 2014, and have had three more kids. He excels at and enjoys his second job out of the Army.
Flash forward, Veterans Day this past year he stared to unravel. He opened up in February to me that he knows he has PTSD. He said he “longs for the severing of ties” and he apologized he could not love me like I love him or like I deserve, that he is not worthy of my affection, grace, and mercy. He has felt no love since first deployment. He only feels happy briefly in moments of solitude and struggle. Over the next few months he would say that I should not waste my prayers on him. It kills him that I care about him and worry about him. But that he thinks separation is necessary, maybe permanent if we can’t come to an understanding of what he can give. He would stay away for a week at a time, a few times.
He seemed to do better with the start of therapy in April. He got involved with some races and vet groups that help wounded vets go through the courses. It seemed really good for his soul. He wasn’t incredibly communicative but he did share some, and thanked me for listening and being there.
He started meds for sleep, pain, depression (first Effexor in May then Prozac) in June and had 3 major stresses looming in July: new responsibility at work, preparing for a conference/event, and family reunion (and he hadn’t shared his struggles with most of his family). He became increasingly cold, distant, and basically not even civil to me. No more sharing, no more thanking, barely speaking, not even in the same room. Worse than at the beginning in Feb when he first told me. I asked him if he had thought of suicide and he said “yes, every day I get in the car and think about ending it”.
The night before the family get together he texted that he got an apt and would be leaving when we got back. Three days out from his moving out I asked him what he needed to take (dishes, tv, anything) and he said he didn’t know, hasn’t thought about it. I asked him how we could talk to kids and said we should agree on wording and do it together, then he blurted it out without me there, with no prep/plan to my oldest who was in tears over why daddy has to leave for a whole year. Normally a fantastic planner and decision maker.
For the past few months he keeps asking what do we do from here? What is the plan. I keep saying take it a day at a time. I don’t know how long it will take you to work through this. But I tell him I’m confident he will. When he moved out, I told him take his space time and use it wisely, there is no timeline from my perspective, no ultimatum or end date for him to heal/progress. I am thinking of it myself as a deployment and so he doesn’t need to worry -I’ve got it. He said yes, but there was always a light at the end of the tunnel with his return and he can’t see that happening this time. We discussed a plan for him to be with kids- he proposed 3 days on and 4 away. I suggested that might not be enough for him to make progress and also would be too back and forth for kids. Come home every other weekend? He agreed. When he wants to change it to more often we can discuss. And he said he has felt better, it is working - to me. To his brother, (who works with PTSD in his PT office) he revealed he is having new symptom (hallucinations).
Now he has been gone three weeks and suddenly has texted me with child support info and let’s not make this divorce messy or we will lose all our money for no reason, if we can just agree. What?????? I keep giving everything he asks for. Of course I didn’t agree with him moving out but I supported his belief that he NEEDs not wants to be away. Encouraged him to use the time for extra therapy, address the physical pain with therapy, go to group counsel. He said he knew it was a bad idea to drink on his own (with guns and pills) so he wouldn’t do it (his idea) but I see liquor store purchases on the bank statement.
He has shut down any family and myself mostly. Just doesn’t respond. He has not taken the meds daily/consistently (I know they don’t work for everyone, it’s okay if he wants to drop them but he hasn’t taken them long enough to know), he has made his appts with counselor every other week now instead of weekly. And now serious divorce plans because he says his depression stems from not having a plan for near future and it will be better if he’s “not tied to you and kids”- but he’s already physically and emotionally gone (I understand he doesn’t have the tools yet in managing, and I am not upset about it) and he wants for us to stay in the house and have all the activities and life be the same for the kids, so he wants to pay for all that. So what would a divorce change? He just said again, I wouldn’t be tied to you.
I don’t know if it’s the inconsistent meds (it did seem like a night and day switch on Prozac, again, not consistent), the “worse before it’s better” of therapy (he is now 4.5 mo in), if there is more work stress he hasn’t shared (because he talks to kids while he’s away but not really me as I try to respect what he’s asking on being alone)... or all those things. Or other things? I know this is not really him. I know faith is not for everyone, but it’s part of our life and he said he hasn’t prayed, he hasn’t gone to church, and bible references aren’t helpful.
I reached out to a wife (told him first so he wouldn’t think I’m outing him and be upset about that) of a guy who was on first deployment with him. A friend of a friend is in PTSD/TBI research and she expressed that combat vets will often not open up to anyone except a battle buddy. Trying to get him to visit for a bro hiking weekend or something where they have time to chat, not drink and watch games at a bar. Once he can open up, it will make talking to others easier, she said. I feel like this is urgent, from the suicide thought admission to the “better off without me/don’t deserve your prayers” talk, and divorce talk. But please advise me if you think this doesn’t sound urgent yet.
Thank you to any one who can advise me on what I can do. How can I ask him to hold off on divorce until he is better, and we can actually tackle it together and give it time while he is healthy. Making such a big decision that affects 5 other people, and only thinking of his own happiness /assuming we will be better without him. His brother also suggested while he is living alone he should not have his guns. Don’t know what I can do about that either? I tried hiding them once and he was irate and demanded them back.
My husband is a combat vet with a 15 mo and a 12 mo tour - Afghanistan between 2007-08, 2009-10. He showed some signs (numbness, drinking more) after 2nd deployment and did a little bit of counseling (the reintegration) but said he was fine/better. And he definitely didn’t want in on record to ruin his career. We had one child at this time. We were at two other duty stations, then he got out in 2014, and have had three more kids. He excels at and enjoys his second job out of the Army.
Flash forward, Veterans Day this past year he stared to unravel. He opened up in February to me that he knows he has PTSD. He said he “longs for the severing of ties” and he apologized he could not love me like I love him or like I deserve, that he is not worthy of my affection, grace, and mercy. He has felt no love since first deployment. He only feels happy briefly in moments of solitude and struggle. Over the next few months he would say that I should not waste my prayers on him. It kills him that I care about him and worry about him. But that he thinks separation is necessary, maybe permanent if we can’t come to an understanding of what he can give. He would stay away for a week at a time, a few times.
He seemed to do better with the start of therapy in April. He got involved with some races and vet groups that help wounded vets go through the courses. It seemed really good for his soul. He wasn’t incredibly communicative but he did share some, and thanked me for listening and being there.
He started meds for sleep, pain, depression (first Effexor in May then Prozac) in June and had 3 major stresses looming in July: new responsibility at work, preparing for a conference/event, and family reunion (and he hadn’t shared his struggles with most of his family). He became increasingly cold, distant, and basically not even civil to me. No more sharing, no more thanking, barely speaking, not even in the same room. Worse than at the beginning in Feb when he first told me. I asked him if he had thought of suicide and he said “yes, every day I get in the car and think about ending it”.
The night before the family get together he texted that he got an apt and would be leaving when we got back. Three days out from his moving out I asked him what he needed to take (dishes, tv, anything) and he said he didn’t know, hasn’t thought about it. I asked him how we could talk to kids and said we should agree on wording and do it together, then he blurted it out without me there, with no prep/plan to my oldest who was in tears over why daddy has to leave for a whole year. Normally a fantastic planner and decision maker.
For the past few months he keeps asking what do we do from here? What is the plan. I keep saying take it a day at a time. I don’t know how long it will take you to work through this. But I tell him I’m confident he will. When he moved out, I told him take his space time and use it wisely, there is no timeline from my perspective, no ultimatum or end date for him to heal/progress. I am thinking of it myself as a deployment and so he doesn’t need to worry -I’ve got it. He said yes, but there was always a light at the end of the tunnel with his return and he can’t see that happening this time. We discussed a plan for him to be with kids- he proposed 3 days on and 4 away. I suggested that might not be enough for him to make progress and also would be too back and forth for kids. Come home every other weekend? He agreed. When he wants to change it to more often we can discuss. And he said he has felt better, it is working - to me. To his brother, (who works with PTSD in his PT office) he revealed he is having new symptom (hallucinations).
Now he has been gone three weeks and suddenly has texted me with child support info and let’s not make this divorce messy or we will lose all our money for no reason, if we can just agree. What?????? I keep giving everything he asks for. Of course I didn’t agree with him moving out but I supported his belief that he NEEDs not wants to be away. Encouraged him to use the time for extra therapy, address the physical pain with therapy, go to group counsel. He said he knew it was a bad idea to drink on his own (with guns and pills) so he wouldn’t do it (his idea) but I see liquor store purchases on the bank statement.
He has shut down any family and myself mostly. Just doesn’t respond. He has not taken the meds daily/consistently (I know they don’t work for everyone, it’s okay if he wants to drop them but he hasn’t taken them long enough to know), he has made his appts with counselor every other week now instead of weekly. And now serious divorce plans because he says his depression stems from not having a plan for near future and it will be better if he’s “not tied to you and kids”- but he’s already physically and emotionally gone (I understand he doesn’t have the tools yet in managing, and I am not upset about it) and he wants for us to stay in the house and have all the activities and life be the same for the kids, so he wants to pay for all that. So what would a divorce change? He just said again, I wouldn’t be tied to you.
I don’t know if it’s the inconsistent meds (it did seem like a night and day switch on Prozac, again, not consistent), the “worse before it’s better” of therapy (he is now 4.5 mo in), if there is more work stress he hasn’t shared (because he talks to kids while he’s away but not really me as I try to respect what he’s asking on being alone)... or all those things. Or other things? I know this is not really him. I know faith is not for everyone, but it’s part of our life and he said he hasn’t prayed, he hasn’t gone to church, and bible references aren’t helpful.
I reached out to a wife (told him first so he wouldn’t think I’m outing him and be upset about that) of a guy who was on first deployment with him. A friend of a friend is in PTSD/TBI research and she expressed that combat vets will often not open up to anyone except a battle buddy. Trying to get him to visit for a bro hiking weekend or something where they have time to chat, not drink and watch games at a bar. Once he can open up, it will make talking to others easier, she said. I feel like this is urgent, from the suicide thought admission to the “better off without me/don’t deserve your prayers” talk, and divorce talk. But please advise me if you think this doesn’t sound urgent yet.
Thank you to any one who can advise me on what I can do. How can I ask him to hold off on divorce until he is better, and we can actually tackle it together and give it time while he is healthy. Making such a big decision that affects 5 other people, and only thinking of his own happiness /assuming we will be better without him. His brother also suggested while he is living alone he should not have his guns. Don’t know what I can do about that either? I tried hiding them once and he was irate and demanded them back.