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Making big decisions while irrational/in a depressed state/triggered/

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Brooke81

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Thanks in advance for reading this long entry and sharing your wisdoms.

My husband is a combat vet with a 15 mo and a 12 mo tour - Afghanistan between 2007-08, 2009-10. He showed some signs (numbness, drinking more) after 2nd deployment and did a little bit of counseling (the reintegration) but said he was fine/better. And he definitely didn’t want in on record to ruin his career. We had one child at this time. We were at two other duty stations, then he got out in 2014, and have had three more kids. He excels at and enjoys his second job out of the Army.

Flash forward, Veterans Day this past year he stared to unravel. He opened up in February to me that he knows he has PTSD. He said he “longs for the severing of ties” and he apologized he could not love me like I love him or like I deserve, that he is not worthy of my affection, grace, and mercy. He has felt no love since first deployment. He only feels happy briefly in moments of solitude and struggle. Over the next few months he would say that I should not waste my prayers on him. It kills him that I care about him and worry about him. But that he thinks separation is necessary, maybe permanent if we can’t come to an understanding of what he can give. He would stay away for a week at a time, a few times.

He seemed to do better with the start of therapy in April. He got involved with some races and vet groups that help wounded vets go through the courses. It seemed really good for his soul. He wasn’t incredibly communicative but he did share some, and thanked me for listening and being there.
He started meds for sleep, pain, depression (first Effexor in May then Prozac) in June and had 3 major stresses looming in July: new responsibility at work, preparing for a conference/event, and family reunion (and he hadn’t shared his struggles with most of his family). He became increasingly cold, distant, and basically not even civil to me. No more sharing, no more thanking, barely speaking, not even in the same room. Worse than at the beginning in Feb when he first told me. I asked him if he had thought of suicide and he said “yes, every day I get in the car and think about ending it”.
The night before the family get together he texted that he got an apt and would be leaving when we got back. Three days out from his moving out I asked him what he needed to take (dishes, tv, anything) and he said he didn’t know, hasn’t thought about it. I asked him how we could talk to kids and said we should agree on wording and do it together, then he blurted it out without me there, with no prep/plan to my oldest who was in tears over why daddy has to leave for a whole year. Normally a fantastic planner and decision maker.

For the past few months he keeps asking what do we do from here? What is the plan. I keep saying take it a day at a time. I don’t know how long it will take you to work through this. But I tell him I’m confident he will. When he moved out, I told him take his space time and use it wisely, there is no timeline from my perspective, no ultimatum or end date for him to heal/progress. I am thinking of it myself as a deployment and so he doesn’t need to worry -I’ve got it. He said yes, but there was always a light at the end of the tunnel with his return and he can’t see that happening this time. We discussed a plan for him to be with kids- he proposed 3 days on and 4 away. I suggested that might not be enough for him to make progress and also would be too back and forth for kids. Come home every other weekend? He agreed. When he wants to change it to more often we can discuss. And he said he has felt better, it is working - to me. To his brother, (who works with PTSD in his PT office) he revealed he is having new symptom (hallucinations).

Now he has been gone three weeks and suddenly has texted me with child support info and let’s not make this divorce messy or we will lose all our money for no reason, if we can just agree. What?????? I keep giving everything he asks for. Of course I didn’t agree with him moving out but I supported his belief that he NEEDs not wants to be away. Encouraged him to use the time for extra therapy, address the physical pain with therapy, go to group counsel. He said he knew it was a bad idea to drink on his own (with guns and pills) so he wouldn’t do it (his idea) but I see liquor store purchases on the bank statement.

He has shut down any family and myself mostly. Just doesn’t respond. He has not taken the meds daily/consistently (I know they don’t work for everyone, it’s okay if he wants to drop them but he hasn’t taken them long enough to know), he has made his appts with counselor every other week now instead of weekly. And now serious divorce plans because he says his depression stems from not having a plan for near future and it will be better if he’s “not tied to you and kids”- but he’s already physically and emotionally gone (I understand he doesn’t have the tools yet in managing, and I am not upset about it) and he wants for us to stay in the house and have all the activities and life be the same for the kids, so he wants to pay for all that. So what would a divorce change? He just said again, I wouldn’t be tied to you.

I don’t know if it’s the inconsistent meds (it did seem like a night and day switch on Prozac, again, not consistent), the “worse before it’s better” of therapy (he is now 4.5 mo in), if there is more work stress he hasn’t shared (because he talks to kids while he’s away but not really me as I try to respect what he’s asking on being alone)... or all those things. Or other things? I know this is not really him. I know faith is not for everyone, but it’s part of our life and he said he hasn’t prayed, he hasn’t gone to church, and bible references aren’t helpful.

I reached out to a wife (told him first so he wouldn’t think I’m outing him and be upset about that) of a guy who was on first deployment with him. A friend of a friend is in PTSD/TBI research and she expressed that combat vets will often not open up to anyone except a battle buddy. Trying to get him to visit for a bro hiking weekend or something where they have time to chat, not drink and watch games at a bar. Once he can open up, it will make talking to others easier, she said. I feel like this is urgent, from the suicide thought admission to the “better off without me/don’t deserve your prayers” talk, and divorce talk. But please advise me if you think this doesn’t sound urgent yet.

Thank you to any one who can advise me on what I can do. How can I ask him to hold off on divorce until he is better, and we can actually tackle it together and give it time while he is healthy. Making such a big decision that affects 5 other people, and only thinking of his own happiness /assuming we will be better without him. His brother also suggested while he is living alone he should not have his guns. Don’t know what I can do about that either? I tried hiding them once and he was irate and demanded them back.
 
I am sorry you and your family is struggling with this. I do not have anything to add except, to acknowledge how hard and frustrating this all sound.
 
he revealed he is having new symptom (hallucinations).
I'm not sure what he means by hallucinations, but flat out, typical hallucinations don't usually go with PTSD. Sometimes flashbacks can present in a way that you might call them that, but that's a little different, the way I understand it. So, when you said that, it kind of got my attention. If he's having hallucinations, in the usual sense of the word, it probably should be investigated further. There could be something else going on, medically, or maybe with his medication. I have no idea.

Is his therapy through the VA? Some VA programs are great and some most definitely aren't. All therapy is not created equal. Sometimes "therapy" is giving a person a prescription and kicking them out the door. Definitely NOT real helpful. Also, we aren't all real great at actually telling our therapists what's really going on.

As far as your marriage goes..... Would he be up for couples therapy? You could present it to him as something to help the two of you navigate this phase of your relationship in a way that's as good for your kids as possible. And then make sure the therapist knows something about combat related PTSD and knows about your husband's diagnosis. You might even be able to find something through the VA. (This stuff comes up unfortunately often.)

The deal with the guns is true and also a problem. Taking them away, unless he agrees to it, is likely to make things worse. If I was going to try to talk a friend into giving up his guns, my approach would probably be that I was asking him to do me a favor and let me keep them for now, because it would make ME feel better. The thing is, there are a ton of ways of killing yourself. It's more useful to confront the idea of suicide as problem solving. A lot of the time, when someone is thinking of killing themselves, they're in a place where they can see no other way out and they can't see a way to stand the situation any longer and/or they feel like they're a burden and "everyone would be better off without them". You see the situation differently, of course, but it looks pretty reasonable and can totally makes sense when you're there. (And he very well might not have mentioned that to his therapist. Maybe you and /or his brother can and should?)

I sure hope you guys can work through this, it sounds like he's lucky to have you in his life.
 
I’m not sure what to say as I’m kinda in the same boat as you. 15 years together, I knew he had issues with his PTSD but I never pushed him. Out of the blue he just became a completely different person. Has stated he doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t want to be tied to anyone, he’s better off alone. He keeps asking for a divorce, I refuse. Once he’s in treatment and is more himself, if he feels the same we can discuss it.
Our issues started 6 months ago, we are still trying to navigate through this. It has gotten better but it’s been devastating. I think he’s just shut down emotionally. His words and actions don’t always match. I wish I had advice or encouragement for you.
 
Thank you for the replies.



Scout86 I am not sure the context of the hallucinations. I’ll try to get his brother to ask further about it. Of course, he should address it to therapist but I don’t know that he would. I will hope it’s just a med side effect. Thank you for pointing out that’s not typical.

As far as therapy, I asked him if he thought his therapist was good and he said yes. Having a couple others he’s gone to, perhaps that he is still going to her says she is. I don’t know how strongly she is suggesting he medicate. He said she encouraged him to live in his own, which sounded odd to me. He says he has told her about alcohol use, suicidal thoughts. His brother told me he said he has not gotten into talking about the actual trauma with the therapist.

I have suggested couples therapy for a while. (He also had some instances of infidelity earlier in our marriage). He said this can’t be about me/us now. But presenting it in a way in communicating effectively for coparenting might be helpful. Vet center said they could see us together but had to be at the location he is already seen at, when I called that specific VA office they returned the call to him and said no....so he says. Only once in all these months (after a large fight where he recognized I was very upset) he said yes we could go, then took those words back the next morning.
The deal with the guns.... I like what you said about it making me feel better to have them. I’m not sure if it would work (he tends to view my actions/questions as trapping/controlling. But a visiting sibling or friend might be able to also. But you are right, it’s one but not the only way

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

Gemini I feel your pain. We’ve been married 12 together 15. And going through this about 6 mo although a lot of things from the past 10 years that I thought were something else now make sense under PTSD. I’m the same, trying to hold it off, until he is managing better (last I asked he couldn’t identify triggers, anniversary dates, no info). But I know he will do what he wants ultimately. Thats the hard part, not knowing if one day he’s just going to file though I’m saying no. I’m thinking if I express it’s rushing into it, it is not good for me, and just as he deserves to take steps to get himself to his best, rushing is truly giving me tons of anxiety and sleeplessness. But I have our four children home with me- who need me to be a strong, calm mother. At least one of us has to be healthy for them. I hope he can understand in that context. Plus we deserve to approach it rationally, thoughtfully, carefully and he can’t really do that now.
 
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I know it's scary and confusing. It's no fun to feel this helpless and out of control.

But I have our four children home with me- who need me to be a strong, calm mother. At least one of us has to be healthy for them.

^^This is priority one now, Mamabear. Never feel bad about digging your heels in when this is concerned. As bad as you feel for him, the kids come first. He's an adult, even if he isn't well.
 
Thank you so much sweetpea- I hate the helpless, no control, no good choice aspect. I’ll embrace the term mamabear - thank you for the reminder how important that is. He’s got to do his own, and I’ve got to care for my baby bears as best I can.
 
My situation is a bit different because my vet isn't my kids' bio dad... but I decided long ago that his PTSD cannot have a negative impact on them in any major way. I've made the choice to be in a relationship with him, they didn't. I can choose to tolerate certain behaviors and treatment... they don't get that choice as kids. It's my job to be their advocate. It hasn't always gone smoothly, but I stubbornly dig my heels in when it comes to the kids. When it comes down to it, they're my first priority. Things will shift as they move out onto their own, but it was my job to make sure they had a happy, stable upbringing.
 
The continued thoughts and relatable experience is very useful to me - thank you.
I guess I’m lost how to be an advocate for my kids (not rushing into divorce when we haven’t even been separated a month) without pushing his buttons while he is in the irrational/triggered state? I thought I’d read over and over here to let them be, don’t try to solve anything when they’re like that -but he is the one pushing for it.
I guess I just can’t see his viewpoint and when I try to ask he shuts down or gets angry. I don’t understand what a divorce will change if he’s already limited in what he can give emotionally and being physically here...but he keeps saying he wants to make this part of the plan how he can be there for them? So he would be no less “tied to us” that I can understand...?
I just want him to wait. If he truly doesn’t want to be married when he is later in his healing journey, I believe I will be able to accept that once we can try... I don’t know how to get him to agree with this. He just says he doesn’t want to try.

A further question on the “hallucination” - is it possible it was just a more intense flashback as you said (PTSD) not actual hallucination (med or other problem) - is it common for flashbacks to get worse as treatment goes on? He also told me he moved his appts to every other week because he needed more time to process in between and he stopped looking forward to it. Is that what is meant in part “worse before it’s better” of therapy?
 
You're not going to be able to talk him into anything when he's like this. He's running scared.

Is he actually filing for divorce and getting an attorney? Or is he all talk?

It's possible his hallucination was a flashback. My vet has dissociated before and was GONE. He thought he was in Iraq. I could see somebody saying that was a hallucination. It's hard to say for sure though. Hallucination is a vague term. Was he reliving a trauma or seeing something else? You won't know unless he tells you.
 
is it possible it was just a more intense flashback as you said (PTSD) not actual hallucination
Yes. I don't have what I think of as flashbacks very often, but I've had a couple experiences where i was seeing/hearing/smelling/feeling things that weren't there. Once I knew it and it was like the past overlaying the present. The other memorable time, I went back a couple days later & realized the scene I saw (and smelled) and scene that was actually there were only vaguely similar. It was kind of disconcerting.
he stopped looking forward to it. Is tha
Good luck with "looking forward to it". Right this second, I'm sitting in a parking lot,,a few blocks from my therapist's office, trying to psych myself up for an appointment. It's not going to be easy and the every other week thing sins like excuse avoid it, to me. (Avoidance being a symptom, of course.)
 
Well he doesn’t have an attorney but he did bring papers home this weekend- “a starting point, we can come to an agreement, and we can file ourselves” my heart is so hurt he cannot just compromise and wait, he cannot see any other possible solution. He doesn’t even want to give it time.

On the hallucinations - scout, thank you for sharing. I’d have to ask his brother to ask him for more info as he didn’t disclose that to me.

The skipping appointments sounded like avoiding to me also but I didn’t want to assume. I’m sure it’s hell, no one wants to face that again, but it’s frustrating because avoid was all he did for a decade burying it and denying it, and here he is in therapy finally and still avoiding. I know he doesn’t know how NOT to yet. But it’s frustrating.
 
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