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Making friends with your sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by Scarlet13, Jun 2, 2018.

  1. Scarlet13

    Scarlet13 Well-Known Member

    So, I have been working with my therapist on reclaiming my sexuality.
    I was object raped at age 4 (and other acts I remember and don't remember)
    by women and (possibly men) then assaulted (almost raped in college).
    I have had varying degrees of issues effecting my sex life.
    I used to always need to be buzzed/drunk.
    Now I can't have alcohol due to sensitivities post drug withdrawal from klonopin.
    But this is good/bad because I feel all of the shame. I also used to be really disassociated during sex and did not know it. This is less so now, but this is hard because I feel everything.
    I have not had much sex since having a baby, but this has been changing since healing from all of the post partum craziness (I mean I literally did not sleep for years) and then klonopin withdrawal (which suuuucks) so Im feeling better and so wanting to have sex but then I am triggered.

    I talked with my T about my triggers which is pretty much all of sex (penetration, in and out feeling, intimacy, having an orgasm) and even talking about sex is hard, it is hard to talk to my husband about my needs in the bed room, I feel like the earth is going to swallow me up.

    It was hard to talk to my T. I shut down sexually after my abuse and have not had many partners in my life, like only a hand full and one of them assaulted me so I am kind of like a layer of prude on top of a layer of sexuality all mixed up with shame.

    My T told me, "You have to make friends with your sexuality."

    So, my question is, how have you reclaimed your sexuality? Have you?
    What helps with this (in addition to being in therapy)?
    piratelady, Sietz, Sweetleaf and 2 others like this.
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  3. Swift

    Swift Well-Known Member

    Hey. Sorry you're struggling with this.
    I read this book called "Healing Sex", which helped me a lot.
    It was tough going, but worth it. I recommended it to someone else on here and they seem to be finding it helpful too.
  4. Scarlet13

    Scarlet13 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I will check that book out.
    Even thinking about buying that book and then reading it, I felt a combo of dread and nausea.

    It is hard to even talk about. Sex for me is synonymous with disgusting.
    I also have feelings that I am completely disgusting and not attractive.
    This is not the case. Even when I get compliments from others I feel dissonance. Like if someone says I am pretty I feel that they just don't see the ugly on the inside.
    My mother victim blamed me after I was raped at age 4. She thought I had chosen to do those "disgusting things."
    She subtly treated me like I was gross saying I sweated too much and that kind of thing.
    She was narcissistic and over shared HER sex life with me, so I knew too much. This was just talking about her sex life with me and my sister.
    So a lot of problems there.
    Sietz and Swift like this.
  5. Joan

    Joan Well-Known Member Donated

    No great answer here. I have much of the same issues. Tough to talk about, think about. Just wanted to say you are not alone.
    Sietz, Swift and Scarlet13 like this.
  6. Swift

    Swift Well-Known Member

    The only reason I actually ended up with a copy is a funny story. I was in a sex shop that my then-gf had dragged me in to, and I was looking at the books, because I'm a booky person, and it beat looking at the rest of the stuff. I don't know that I ever would have had the guts to buy it if that wasn't the case.
    Your mother's reaction sucks. I'm sorry about that.
    I get the feeling disgusting thing.
    The people who hurt you are the ones who should feel disgusting. Not you.
    You did nothing wrong. You did nothing bad or disgusting.
    For a long time I thought that the feelings of disgust etc that I have towards sexuality were about my sexuality, not about the rapes.
    I think sexual trauma is so bad because it messes up that part of you, the sex part, that should be healthy.
    I have a few things I do to "check in" when I'm having 'proper sex' - by which I mean consensual.
    I basically make it as different as I can, with all five senses, smells etc, than anything that happened before.
    I'm not sure how to say this, but if there's anything I can help to chat about, I'm happy to help.
    Joan, piratelady and Sietz like this.
  7. Scarlet13

    Scarlet13 Well-Known Member

    That helps because I feel like such a nerd. I was made fun of for being so 'naive'.
    I was actually trying to be promiscuous and thats how I got assaulted. I went to a club, got a little typsy, met a guy, took him back to my place and I changed my mind. I got triggered because of the sexual abuse and wanted to stop and he wasn't accepting that.
    I hate/love sex.
    Is it normal for most humans to have a hard time talking about sex?
  8. somerandomguy

    somerandomguy Learning how to be myself Premium Member

    Yes. That's why consent is so tricky. If people were able to have adult conversations about sex, sex would be a lot simpler and more pleasant for everyone.

    But I think those conversations are a hundred times more difficult for those of us who have been through sexual abuse of any kind.
    EveHarrington likes this.
  9. Scarlet13

    Scarlet13 Well-Known Member

    My T brought up something similar. She said that the shame is not mine.
    I like that. The shame belongs to the perpetrator.
    I felt responsible at 4. I tried to get away so many times.
    piratelady and somerandomguy like this.
  10. piratelady

    piratelady Not Broken Premium Member

    I struggle with the same feelings and have yet to figure out how to get passed them. I got a compliment at work on how I looked last week and had the exact same feelings.

    I am back in college, as an adult. They make everyone take a class about consent and healthy relationships now. They essentially teach that if they don't say yes or hint at not wanting to you should stop or it's rape. It would definitely be easier if we could all just use our words, but most of us can't. I know I struggle to do it. When I'm on the moment I just become scared and compliant followed by shame.

    Scarlet, I hope you are able to get passed these feelings. I struggle with the same ones. I think that because it's so hard to talk about it's even harder to overcome.
    Scarlet13 and Sietz like this.
  11. Scarlet13

    Scarlet13 Well-Known Member

    I was an RA in college so essentially had all of that training on consent in order to support my residents.
    So my assault happened after this. I distinctly said no to him and even talked about consent. He just threw his head back and laughed. So that class is great news and will help in some cases.
    I always invalidate this assault. It was not quite rape. But I think it has really impacted me.
    I invalidate the object rape as a child too because again, not classic rape.
    I started to masterbate a lot as a child and this caused shame.
    So the hardest is having an orgasm. I feel sick to stomach.
    I am trying to tap into the whole sexuality is natural and human.
    I like the concept of "making friends" with your sexuality and trying to think more about what that can mean.
    piratelady likes this.
  12. Mach123

    Mach123 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

    Yes, I suppose I have. Mostly because I didn't have to change anything. The things I was doing were in my head during sex I became my other parts which made me shift between dominant submissive male female passive aggressive consenting and being forced which is like my catalogue of choices or menu for what might make me have an orgasm. Simple, right? Hello you, hello me.
    somerandomguy likes this.
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