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Managing my inner critic while in a new relationship - very vulnerable post

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QuirkyLady22

New Here
This is the truth. Very vulnerable post. Please go easy on me.
Trying to find ways to manage my inner critic while in a new relationship. Makes me very insecure. Says lots of body shaming stuff, ugly etc. Goes on to say he’s not really in it despite proof otherwise.

I get into bad behaviors trying to “prove” these thoughts. Looking up his exes (toxic I know) to compare. She’s thinner, she’s cooler.. etc.. I can practically convince myself I’m a hideous monster and he will leave me.

He has trauma too so he gets it. We both have our struggles. We both do the work. I can see the bigger picture but it’s hard work. I just want to keep connection and not be fueled by my trauma.
 
keep venting, QL. an honest, ongoing inventory of the counter-productive behaviors can go a long way in mindful management of those behaviors. yes, it is very hard work, but itsy bitsy baby steps will get you there.

steadying support while you find your way.
 
keep venting, QL. an honest, ongoing inventory of the counter-productive behaviors can go a long way in mindful management of those behaviors. yes, it is very hard work, but itsy bitsy baby steps will get you there.

steadying support while you find your way.
Thank you! I’m trying to be more open about what goes on in my head. Get it out and not just feel shame.
 
The fact that he has also experienced trauma and gets it is really a good thing. It’s much worse when the person doesn’t get it and doesn’t have any patience or willingness to try to understand.

Thank you for posting this as I can relate especially to the self destructive behaviours - looking up exes etc. and how addictive that can be.
 
I once went over to my bf's place (we had been together for a year at that point) in order to break up with him. I was convinced he had been online dating again. I had proof that was watertight and without question. I started out being fake nice, so that I could cooly and calmly confront him and ultimately break up with him. It's a long story, but my narrative quickly unraveled as I began to talk to him. I realized that I was projecting all of it because abandonment was a certainty for me. That wasn't the first time, though it was the most intense one, that my insecurities got the best of me. Thank goodness that I took the fake nice approach. He must have thought I was acting weird, but I held off long enough to allow the truth to slowly dawn on me and we didn't break up. But I spent the rest of the day mourning the loss of the relationship which I thought was very real for half of the day.

We've been together for over three years now, and I haven't had one of those incidents since. It's partly my work in therapy and partly him being a truly solid guy. In the past, my relationships did often stoke my inclination to catastrophize. Although addressing the trauma is a part of the process, I do think that the other part is developing trust. It's possible that the other is not trustworthy, that's a reality. But the only way to build trust is to take calculated risks. We have to be strong to be vulnerable.
 
The fact that he has also experienced trauma and gets it is really a good thing. It’s much worse when the person doesn’t get it and doesn’t have any patience or willingness to try to understand.

Thank you for posting this as I can relate especially to the self destructive behaviours - looking up exes etc. and how addictive that can be.
Thanks for sharing that you can relate. I feel so alone with those behaviors. Like a monster in a cave.

As an update things are better. He has made some changes and so have I. We are both committed to making things work.
 
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