WORD_SOUND_POWER
New Here
I made a big thing about "my wife hits me" in another post. & it's legit - i've been hit/pushed/had things thrown at my head over the years. That was about 3 weeks ago & for all intents and purposes that emergency has died down. There was LOTS of fallout from that. I might get into some of that later.
The biggest thing to come out of that is that we entered a mediated conversation with a psychotherapist & this man is DOING. HIS. THING. The first talk w/my wife and I was BRILLIANT. The 3 of us shared unabashedly, he gave us that GOOD info and & from that new perspective, my wife and i were able to continue talking for another hour or 2 that same day. 2 convos later we had our 12 year old daughter on the call & she got the chance to express herself in a SUPER safe environment. we had another talk sunday & its getting to the real day-to-day shit that takes a convo from a 3 to an 11.
my wife has trauma around yelling/cursing/violence/poverty/homelessness due to her upbringing & especially since COVID, she's been on HIGH alert. i feel ashamed of this (the Dr said i don't get to feel ashamed of trauma tho), but i believe this is a safe place to say/name: that i subconsciously & even consciously use an "avoidant" strategy aggressively at home. over the years, i've learned i can get her to back down (ie & i get to avoid topics/responsibility/etc) by escalating easy problems into fights. she's FAR from an angel - but i'm owning MY disgusting, filthy shit of a personality here. When she's triggered or similar, i can f*ck off indefinitely until she calms down which can take days or longer.
so NOW we're in a place where he's identified BOTH of our traumas & i'm getting a new name attached to mine: "avoidant". i don't really like hearing it, but in my heart of hearts i can agree. he's explained "avoidant" to me, explained how/when it happened, led me to see how i do it and i see it EVERYWHERE - totally throughout my life. one thing i (actually, WE BOTH) have said for years & couldn't figure out was, i've never really acted this way with anybody before. & she "brings this out of me". like i adapted this shitty behavior to keep myself feeling.. what .. SAFE? it all seems so infantile & weak & small & broken. i know its all & none of those, AND WAY beyond that AND very, very human.
what i want is to have an awesome relationship with this woman that i love. i want to raise our beautiful daughter to be a joyful, self-regulating, confident, powerhouse of a woman that can use her will to create anything in her mind. i want our family to be a safe, nurturing & loving yet RIGOROUS environment where we function as a team & build castles & pyramids & staircases to the sky for each other. I want to continue to work (i'm an elementary music teacher) AS WELL AS build my drum/DJing/remixing businesses. we ALMOST have it - but for my part: I'M holding it back.
so we've made some rules:
NO physicality (hitting/pushing/proximity/etc)
NO cops
NO fighting (yelling/cussing/attitude/etc)
NO text fighting (see above)
ONLY talk about the other to the therapist or DIRECTLY to the other
I'm learning a lot all at once. Doc says i'm COMPELLED - i NEED to do X when i feel threatened (defend myself or check TF out or straight LEAVE). ok - so that insight and $2 gets me tea at the bodega. what do i do with that info now? i'm in a questioning/asking part of this & i know you guys are experts because you live with this f*ckery day in day out one way or the other: WTF is avoidance? WTF do i do, now? how do i catch it when it's happening? what do i do once i got a hold of it? how do i train myself to GAF/be open/to stay when EVERYTHING is screaming GTFOH/to check IN?
HELP!!
The biggest thing to come out of that is that we entered a mediated conversation with a psychotherapist & this man is DOING. HIS. THING. The first talk w/my wife and I was BRILLIANT. The 3 of us shared unabashedly, he gave us that GOOD info and & from that new perspective, my wife and i were able to continue talking for another hour or 2 that same day. 2 convos later we had our 12 year old daughter on the call & she got the chance to express herself in a SUPER safe environment. we had another talk sunday & its getting to the real day-to-day shit that takes a convo from a 3 to an 11.
my wife has trauma around yelling/cursing/violence/poverty/homelessness due to her upbringing & especially since COVID, she's been on HIGH alert. i feel ashamed of this (the Dr said i don't get to feel ashamed of trauma tho), but i believe this is a safe place to say/name: that i subconsciously & even consciously use an "avoidant" strategy aggressively at home. over the years, i've learned i can get her to back down (ie & i get to avoid topics/responsibility/etc) by escalating easy problems into fights. she's FAR from an angel - but i'm owning MY disgusting, filthy shit of a personality here. When she's triggered or similar, i can f*ck off indefinitely until she calms down which can take days or longer.
so NOW we're in a place where he's identified BOTH of our traumas & i'm getting a new name attached to mine: "avoidant". i don't really like hearing it, but in my heart of hearts i can agree. he's explained "avoidant" to me, explained how/when it happened, led me to see how i do it and i see it EVERYWHERE - totally throughout my life. one thing i (actually, WE BOTH) have said for years & couldn't figure out was, i've never really acted this way with anybody before. & she "brings this out of me". like i adapted this shitty behavior to keep myself feeling.. what .. SAFE? it all seems so infantile & weak & small & broken. i know its all & none of those, AND WAY beyond that AND very, very human.
what i want is to have an awesome relationship with this woman that i love. i want to raise our beautiful daughter to be a joyful, self-regulating, confident, powerhouse of a woman that can use her will to create anything in her mind. i want our family to be a safe, nurturing & loving yet RIGOROUS environment where we function as a team & build castles & pyramids & staircases to the sky for each other. I want to continue to work (i'm an elementary music teacher) AS WELL AS build my drum/DJing/remixing businesses. we ALMOST have it - but for my part: I'M holding it back.
so we've made some rules:
NO physicality (hitting/pushing/proximity/etc)
NO cops
NO fighting (yelling/cussing/attitude/etc)
NO text fighting (see above)
ONLY talk about the other to the therapist or DIRECTLY to the other
I'm learning a lot all at once. Doc says i'm COMPELLED - i NEED to do X when i feel threatened (defend myself or check TF out or straight LEAVE). ok - so that insight and $2 gets me tea at the bodega. what do i do with that info now? i'm in a questioning/asking part of this & i know you guys are experts because you live with this f*ckery day in day out one way or the other: WTF is avoidance? WTF do i do, now? how do i catch it when it's happening? what do i do once i got a hold of it? how do i train myself to GAF/be open/to stay when EVERYTHING is screaming GTFOH/to check IN?
HELP!!