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Relationship Marriage with CPTSD/BPD

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LoboTiburon

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Hello everyone, I am new to this forum. I came here to find a little support to help save our marriage. My spouse experiences CPTSD/BPD due to every childhood long term trauma imaginable. My upbringing is quite the opposite and grew up in a very loving supporting home. The contrast between us is my spouse seeks out attention, touch, validation which I am learning to understand. I on the other hand can be very introverted, differing relationship expectations, and not always physically doting. We have different love languages. My spouse has moments where a disagreement is hyper sensationalized, experience rage, irrational thoughts, vindictive, extreme actions, addictive type behaviors (not drug related), struggle to feel happiness (emptiness). After the storm, all seems well. I am struggling with how to best respond as it impacts me as well and I'm feeling pushed to the edge of what I can handle after all these years. I would like to know for those of you experiencing CPTSD/BPD how you would want a partner to help (or not help) and for any other tips. Appreciate your time.

Another recent issue is my spouse befriended someone the past several months who has gotten very close and they secretly talk often. Our communication has been rough because I don't know how to respond appropriately to the triggers. This "friend" also has PTSD and is very understanding. It is an emotional affair in my opinion that hasn't officially escalated to more than that but it's very close to it because I see the signs and we've had conversations about it. I'm trying not to focus on this as opposed to how it came to be and one of the big topics is I need to be a better listener and be more attentive.

I would like to know for those of you experiencing CPTSD/BPD how you would want a partner to help (or not help) and for any other tips. Appreciate your time.
 
IME I have seen this first hand(the Emotional side) in a way that served as a distraction for my spouse and as a way to try focus on "help" the other person becasue they were in a bad place. Once I brought it to her and showed her she realized what she was doing, however this was when she was in a much helathier mental state as opposed to where she is now. So what I guess Im trying to say is that it isn't always what could be considered an emotional affair in the traditional sense even though it checks all the boxes and bringing it up could have positive or negative outcomes depending on thier current state.
 
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