Maybe i can't do it

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deeplyloved

MyPTSD Pro
I texted my therapist on Tuesday and asked for another session and told her why. I need to use my regular session this week just to prepare for an event this weekend. She replied that was a good idea and we would talk about that during our session as I wished. But then she didn't say anything about my request for an additional session. She didn't even respond. Maybe I just need psycho analysis--the blank slate method? I can't deal with dealing with my relationship with my therapist and my feelings of abandonment and hurt.

I feel so stupid. I have too many things to get done. Why did I even bother with starting this process up again. I feel like I need to harden my heart and stop trusting anyone with all this junk from the past. I just need to figure out how to shut it off.

Iwant to cancel my appointment for tomorrow so badly. I cancelled my Better Help account. She was so cold and answered only every couple of days with 1-2 sentences. She cancelled our last chat session and then had no other convenient times available. What's the point? I was paying too much $ for nothing, even with the financial assistance they offered. I feel like I should quit with my regular therapist too. Clearly my expectations are distorted.

I tried being vulnerable and asking for what I need and I just can't keep reaching out anymore. It hurts too much. I really don't know what to do. I can't talk to her about this stuff again, let alone about actual painful events. Why don't I matter enough to acknowledge my request and even just say "sorry, no. I don't have room for an extra session this week." Why ignore it? And why do I care about this situation so much. I feel pathetic and stupid for even caring about this. Why am I allowing this to hurt me?

To clarify, I started a Betterhelp account to try to avoid being too dependent on my trauma T outside of therapy. Clearly I am too much of a burden.
 
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Could be your therapist got confused and didn't understand you were asking for an additional session. I'm going to put the overthinking you're doing aside here and ask you to look at the facts. You asked for something and she didn't mention it. Possible there was some confusion? Ask again. "Hi, I'm not sure my last message was clear, can I have an additional session, I'm going through a rough time and feel like I need it." If she ignores it or says no, then you have a bit more info but better to not assume to know what she's thinking. I'm guilty to it, too and just causes us to hurt our own feelings for no reason.

And haha I use Talkspace!! My therapist took away my email privileges lol so I'm staying with it. It's nice to write to someone everyday!
 
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deeplyloved

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you. I'm glad Talkspace is working well for you! I am out of self-advocacy skills for the week, so I can't call or text my therapist again. But, I appreciate your thoughts and will try to take your words to heart. Maybe I can avoid being distrustful in our session tomorrow. I know I need others to assume the best of me...so I will try to do that for her.
 

deeplyloved

MyPTSD Pro
Last week was so confusing! At the start of my session last week, my therapist walked out to greet me and was warm and caring as usual. When we sat down, she said "so you said you were going to bring your journal and we also need to talk about [upcoming event], is that still what you need today?" I can't understand how she misunderstood my texts, but clearly she did. She's human just like me. We decided not to address the body memories in my journal because I needed to be grounded and contained for the weekend event. I didn't have the courage to bring up how that's the reason why I had requested an extra session.

She helped me make a self-care plan for the event and was very encouraging about how well the experience of this event could integrate with my healing, as well as how confident she is in my ability to navigate it. I made it through the weekend. During the event, I sent her 2 text updates and she responded with affirmation and support. It was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.

I feel like there is healing happening here. I still have so much trouble with communication and conflict. I panic so easily and beat myself up for having needs. I hope I will keep getting better at it and keep growing and healing. Just wanted to update here about the positive things since I was so focused on my own perception of the negative.
 

deeplyloved

MyPTSD Pro
Writing this out here so I can reread it when I start feeling hopeless and stupid again. I need to learn to pay attention to my positive growth and progress.

I feel like I'm in a really good groove with my therapist. I'm struggling with anxiety and grieving but I think I'm finally learning to rest into the trust that we have built over these past 9 months. I've never been in therapy with the same therapist for this long! It's something very different than short-term therapy. I truly had no idea.

Had an emotional but positive session this week, where I could actually feel how much she believes in me...and I heard and tried my best to absorb her reframing of my negative self-talk. I verbalized honestly about the few spots where I couldn't figure out how to meet her there. It was so productive! She shared with me some of her observations about my thought processes and the surprising places I seem to get weepy and asked the most helpful questions. I felt seen...and held. I confessed some of the SI that happens after sessions when we process events and how I realize this is my ironic strategy for avoiding the grief and pain I don't want to face.

Today I got badly triggered and tried all of my strategies for hours. I lost almost a half day of work and felt so disappointed and angry with myself. I went back and forth for a long time about whether or not to call my therapist. I decided I would be ok if I didn't hear back and even took advice from here about my voicemail message. I was crying at first, but noticed myself feeling calmer after listening to her voicemail greeting and verbalizing where I felt stuck and upset. I decided to say that she didn't have to call me back. We could just talk next week and I would continue using my strategies and be ok. And I believed it!

But she called me back! After hours, even. She said "yes, we will certainly talk about what happened when we meet next week and I know you said you didn't need a call back, but I wanted to call anyway and tell you I'm sorry you're having a tough time." We talked for just a couple minutes and she wanted me to talk through my plans for the evening. It was profound. A 3 minute phone call. It was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. I felt so deeply supported and nurtured.

Logically, I know I am incredibly blessed with love and support in my life...plenty of the kind I don't even have to pay someone for! But there are too many times when I'm locked in my own pain and I can't feel the unconditional love that surrounds me. These old wounds have too much power. They defy logic. It's humbling to be beholden to what happened in the past.

Most of the time I know I'm working hard but don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. And then a 3 minute phone call reaches down to the bottom of my heart and changes me. I feel proud of myself for going against my inclination and instead deciding I am worthy of comfort and support. I did my own work too but I still needed help. It's ok for me to still need help. Sometimes that help arrives. I'm not a burden. I will get better at comforting myself over time...and I think I see now how much I need to experience it from others in appropriate ways so that I can learn how to direct comfort and compassion towards myself. It's ok that I still need to learn this. There's no reason I have to do everything on my own. I can discern and receive safe love and TLC.
 

deeplyloved

MyPTSD Pro
I'm off the rails again and hating myself for it. Two weeks ago a man got into my personal space in the grocery store and didn't move until I said something to him. I'm proud that I said something, but then it knocked me flat out for the rest of the day. I could barely drive home (had to text my therapist to ask for help) and then just had to go to bed.

Two days after that, something happened to my friend and she called me instead of calling the police. I again had the same physical reaction but just waited until the next day to talk to T during our scheduled session.

Somehow, I made it through the next week with only one email to my T. We had an ok session. But the next day (Friday), I got triggered by something at work. I tried to manage it on my own but ended up calling her voicemail. I said I thought I was ok for the weekend and maybe we could just touch base by phone early next week.

Well, she texted me and said she was planning to be out of town for the four days prior to my appointment. She said she would be available during that time for emergencies but would rather avoid that, if possible, and talk to me before she left.

The thing is...I probably would have been fine if I didn't know she was going to be away. So I should never have called her in the first place, right? I was trying to practice asking for help and not trying (and failing) to manage everything on my own. I felt so strongly that I didn't want to have any emergency calls while she was away, so I had better have that extra phone session to make sure that didn't happen.

It did help. We had a good talk and planned through some strategies. But I felt so guilty. I still feel so guilty. I feel like writing her a long, ridiculous email to apologize for being so needy and pathetic. I can't stand that she is away...and I can't stand myself for feeling this way.

I've been having terrible nightmares about an event and we've been working up to talking about them. Last in-person session, we spent too much time talking about the store incident and my friend. There wasn't enough time left in my session for me to tell her about it and then transition out of the session. I didn't want to come undone. (But I ended up coming undone anyway!)

I think I feel like I need her more right now because I know she's away until tomorrow night. It's absurd. I'm so dependent and fragile! I hate it. Why does this feel so icky? I miss her and I'm scared to see her. Scared of how she will react after I tell her about the past event that is haunting me and taking all my energy. I'm scared I will throw up again.

I'm spinning my wheels. I have too much to do for this to be taking all my mental space. I feel pathetic. Trying to work through my coping skills and soothe myself. Thank you for reading this. I feel so alone.
 

NightSky

MyPTSD Pro
Hey, so I relate to this back and forth and it’s so hard. Have you read anything about internal systems therapy? I’m finding it so helpful to understand that we all have “parts,” (not as distinct as DID but separate from each other in how they feel, think and react to the world.) Its helpful to learn that extreme feelings and reactions are these parts presenting themselves and they’re there for a reason. Your “self” is in control when you’re feeling centered and calm and like your interactions with your T are healing and meaningful and you can accept them. But when you feel that “needy, pathetic” feeling, that is not your “self,” but a part that has come out of exile with real needs that deserves your attention and compassion. It is probably young part that is afraid of being abandoned and hurt. Those exiles don’t often stay out long because either a “manager” part will take control, or a “fire fighter” will rush in to ease those feelings with things like SI, drinking, distraction, etc. I recommend reading the book as it makes self compassion easier. And you will be able to see what part is operating and find out what that part needs instead of beating yourself up. ;) you don’t deserve that.
 

deeplyloved

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you for your kind reply, NightSky. I have heard a lot about internal family systems but not read the book. Maybe I will check it out. Feeling overwhelmed with school reading...but not retaining much of that anyway. Struggling to concentrate. Self-compassion is so hard. It seems like the key to healing but it's so tough.
 
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