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DID Mean parts

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Punky143

MyPTSD Pro
I do recall getting picked on when I was little but who hasn't? Some would happen at school and other times at home. Let me tell you, I have an actual twin sister and we were always compared to each other. We were very different people and often times I would be sad with her listening to someone ask how I could be tiny and my sister be so big? Super uncomfortable. But, it never stopped her from being crual to me. Name calling, called a retarded because I struggled in school- crippled by anxiety and sadness and the desire to want to please people. I'm now realizing I spent a good portion of my younger years in my own world.
My father. his rage, brought uncertainty, fear, guilt, and humility. Then the emotional, physical and ? Still working on it.
Point- my angry parts are mean all the time. Most days they are half of my body and call us rude things, tells us we're no good, and tries convincing us that she's had enough and prepares her goodbyes. I'm trying to work with my parts on when they can and cannot come out and i never could figure out why. I've tried asking what they need but they don't want to hear it. Anyone else? What works for you?
 
Therapy was about this today. I made up an experiment for therapy and we did it today. I wrote a bunch of stuff in a diary. I knew I was just saying whatever (as opposed to what I write here.) I gave the phone to the therapist and she read it back to me. We could hear the different voices. It was difficult. I picked up my kid early and went home and lie down lol.
 
I made sure when I called other parts out it was to show them love and attention. I drove with my 1.5 year old picture by the stick shift of my car. I visualized letting her sit on my lap to learn how help me drive the car. We went for ice cream (I don't much like ice cream but my younger one likes mint chocolate chip). I gave another part a teddy bear to hold onto until she was ready to come to me. She kept wanting me to come rescue her - which I was warned to never go to them and always invite them to YOU otherwise (I heard but have no idea) there was a possibility I would go into psychosis and not come out again. So yeah, I always planned time for my parts and invited them out when I was doing something grounding, empowering, joyous, connecting.
 
I'm trying to put the mean to some better use.

As in, you got a right to get this and that out in a gym. Or in an angsty song. Or making a long rant about it. Or invent new invectives. Or think of how this and that one would go for a different audience, in a different country. Hilarious. Or not.
You aren't allowed to take it out on actual people, just because we are one body does not mean less people.

Eventually going with: Would we allow this in a group of kids we supervise? Nope? So not on in own head, either.
(Different ground rules, around. Rules and codes and ethiquette modulation is something that makes sense, childhood stuff is likely to make me feel sad for childhood not had. And self soothing is a joke. ThatShitForpussies, NoNeedImAllGooooodHeeere... ahem.)

We don't do who is allowed to come out when, presently, because that bit ties too much into (outside of the body) control and demand patterns and is not self regulating, much less keeping anyone safe, the opposite.
 
I'm intrigued. I wonder how real all this is yet I really want to 'go there.' I am writing again this week to the therapist. I expect she is going to read to me again. I felt like this let her see me and I couldn't hide. It's like a bridge to the inside. That was what EMDR was supposed to be. Maybe now it will be. I feel all vulnerable but I don't mind really. It has to be dealt with.
 
I have a couple of seriously angry insiders. I mostly have learned not to take any of it personally. Their words still bother others of my insiders - mostly the kids - and one was doing things to actually harm them, so we had to figure out a way to contain her for awhile.

I'm not sure what exactly helped with the other one, except I included her in more discussions, let her know I was grateful for her protection (many angry or hostile ones are just being protective) and she kind of retreated to take care of stuff on the inside.
 
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