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Melinda - My Symptoms / Story

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by melinda, Jul 10, 2007.

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  1. melinda

    melinda New Member

    I am in my 30's and feel very alone and different than others. I usually feel less than others and sometimes fantasize about cutting my arm (when I feel down) but I would never actually do it. I have had one failed romance after another and one failed marriage.

    When I was four years old I had an incident that happened with two older boys around 12. I can only remember up to a certain point(which I remember every detail) and then I go blank (ie. when my clothes start coming off). So, I'm not sure if I am a rape survivor or not, but recently my counsellor has suggested that I suffer from PTSD symptoms. I have a lot of anxiety (worse the past few years) and a mild but constant depression. I tend to socially isolate and stay in my apartment or cling to one close friend/lover. In my love relationships I also tend to avoid intercourse. I can have intercourse but I usually am not that interested in it for some reason. Often when involved passionatley in intercourse I have broken down and started crying almost uncontrollably. It feels like tremendous grief. I am lucky that I have had understanding boyfriends but I think I may have freaked a few out! I also had an incident after high school where I lived with a guy. I can remember the incident like a movie. He sort of forced himself into me while I was in the shower and then another time in the middle of the night. I guess I never really looked at it as a big deal just that he was a jerk of a boyfriend. Although, I think he knew that he had done something wrong as he apologized the next year for how he treated me when he saw me at a party. I guess I was sort of numb to all of it.

    I think if anything the thing at four years old was the original cause of the PTSD symptoms. I just wish sometimes I knew what actually happened. I knew my younger brother who was three was there at the time and saw what happened. My mom said that we used to pretend when we were young that he was ontop of me and having sex with me and we would giggle. My mother said she didnt know how he learned that. Anyways, my relationships are a mess, I am very shy and tend to be anxious socially. I am starting a new career. I have the degree and the intelligence but lack so much confidence that I wonder if I will be able to pull it off. Everytime I have a relationship I find some reason to end it or have "doubts." I feel very different than other 35 year olds. I just don't have established friendships or relationships that others have.
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  3. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Hi Melinda, welcome to the forum. I think you certainly need to seek more professional advice, ie. phsch for determination whether you have PTSD or not, because if you do, you need to begin treating it, and if you don't, then there are things you can do now before it manifests into it. Either way, if your counsellor is saying you display attributes off PTSD, you really need to be getting more professional help ASAP.
  4. She Cat

    She Cat Policy Enforcement Banned Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    :hello: HI Melinda,

    Welcome to the board...

    She Cat
  5. GR-ass

    GR-ass Well-Known Member

    oh hon :hugs: tightly.


    (and please, please never ever give into the desire to cut. It is so hard to stop- and even when you do, you crave the feel of a blade slicing flesh)

    Gack, now, *hugs* welcome. I'm glad you found us hon.

  6. bobbieruth

    bobbieruth New Member

    Ms K

    I'm sorry this happend to you,I was moleste as a child also but I don't want a relationship with any one,, I was married once and I was raped at the age of 25 and my husband didn't want to touch me any more so we got a divorce and ever since than i haven't wanted to have a relationship, I have friends but only one close friend and I don't have any male friends, I am having nightmares from my molestation as child and I don't know how to get rid of them. they are ruling my life, and I am very irritated at times. Thanks for listening MS K
  7. Lisa

    Lisa Well-Known Member

    Hi Melinda. Welcome to the forum.

    Just thought I would say you are not alone in PTSD. I relate to you. Particularly with having a cut off early memory of abuse. I don't know what happened after the point I remember either. Also relate to numbness and sexual probems.

    Have a mooch around and get a feel for this place... I know I have found it very helpful, and am sure that you will too.

    See you around

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