I am in my 30's and feel very alone and different than others. I usually feel less than others and sometimes fantasize about cutting my arm (when I feel down) but I would never actually do it. I have had one failed romance after another and one failed marriage. When I was four years old I had an incident that happened with two older boys around 12. I can only remember up to a certain point(which I remember every detail) and then I go blank (ie. when my clothes start coming off). So, I'm not sure if I am a rape survivor or not, but recently my counsellor has suggested that I suffer from PTSD symptoms. I have a lot of anxiety (worse the past few years) and a mild but constant depression. I tend to socially isolate and stay in my apartment or cling to one close friend/lover. In my love relationships I also tend to avoid intercourse. I can have intercourse but I usually am not that interested in it for some reason. Often when involved passionatley in intercourse I have broken down and started crying almost uncontrollably. It feels like tremendous grief. I am lucky that I have had understanding boyfriends but I think I may have freaked a few out! I also had an incident after high school where I lived with a guy. I can remember the incident like a movie. He sort of forced himself into me while I was in the shower and then another time in the middle of the night. I guess I never really looked at it as a big deal just that he was a jerk of a boyfriend. Although, I think he knew that he had done something wrong as he apologized the next year for how he treated me when he saw me at a party. I guess I was sort of numb to all of it. I think if anything the thing at four years old was the original cause of the PTSD symptoms. I just wish sometimes I knew what actually happened. I knew my younger brother who was three was there at the time and saw what happened. My mom said that we used to pretend when we were young that he was ontop of me and having sex with me and we would giggle. My mother said she didnt know how he learned that. Anyways, my relationships are a mess, I am very shy and tend to be anxious socially. I am starting a new career. I have the degree and the intelligence but lack so much confidence that I wonder if I will be able to pull it off. Everytime I have a relationship I find some reason to end it or have "doubts." I feel very different than other 35 year olds. I just don't have established friendships or relationships that others have.