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Meltdown imminent

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Kay Mouse

Learning
My anxiety has just gone into hyperdrive. I have had a text from my Mother, whom I have not spoken to for a month now, saying "I would like to phone you, is that ok?"

She is an abusive individual. Probable narc.

I cannot take this; it's a double bind. If I say yes, I will have to cope with all manner of abuses, if I say no, it will be used against me. I cannot take this. How can I deal with this?
 
How can I deal with this?

I am sorry that you are in this position right now. Can you allow her calls to go to voicemail? To buy you some time to reflect and think about what you need and want at this time?

I am hoping that a good solution that is doable for you comes up soon.
 
You do what you need to do. If that means taking the call, then do it, but place boundaries up front. Tell her the rules of the call first and if she walks over those rules tell her the call has just ended, say goodbye and hang up.

If the answer is no, then remind yourself why you did this..... For your sanity....
 
Take care of yourself first -- don't worry about what others might think or do in the future. Which option will help you right now? Which will help you stay safe and grounded right now, in the moment?

When both options suck pick the one that is the least worst. Which one sucks the least for you right now?

We are here for you..
 
I sent a text saying:
"No. I am once again sleep deprived and am not up to speaking on the phone. However, I am not shutting down your basic human right to communicate so please email me tomorrow with whatever you feel like saying, and I will endeavour to respond in a timely fashion. That may seem impersonal but it is the best I can manage at the moment"

Thoughts, anyone?

I am sleep deprived by that's not why I avoided this. That would be fear. Fear of her. That screeching banshee toxic rage and the memory of her beating my Sister when I was too little to do anything about it. I am afraid of her. And I hate that.

For some weird reason, if I communicate with people via the written word, it really takes the sting out of confrontation, whereas face to face confrontation fills me with terror. I keep thinking of 'the four f's', and reckon I must really have a strong flight response to trauma. I would literally run over hot coals to avoid a face to face confrontation with the majority of people.
 
I love it!!!!

What do you think about setting that as the only way you communicate with her for now? Until you are ready to do face to face? Then she can say whatever she wants and if you choose to respond you can. And if you choose to hit delete - you can.
 
I think your answer was perfect. You did what you can manage. Good job. How do you feel now?:hug:
Absolutely fine again. Funny thing was I have been having a really awesome day and practicing music, and all has been well. And then... that. I just burst into tears I was so afraid. But I feel better now. The written word does not faze me, it's the face to face stuff I can't do.

I love it!!!!

What do you think about setting that as the only way you communicate with her for now?...

Lol, it's funny you should say that because I was thinking the exact same thing myself. The weird thing is, if I could do all my social interactions with the written word I would feel so relieved. I have often really fancied the idea of getting one of those text to speech devices which Stephen Hawking uses. My words seem to come out so much more fluidly when I am typing them out.
 
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I wanted to let everyone who responded to this thread know that I had a response to my text, and what all your perspectives are on it. It was as follows:


"I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble sleeping. Perhaps you need to address unresolved issues? Give me a ring if and when you are up to it. Emails are a bit impersonal. Hope you feel better soon. Maybe we can talk then."

Understand, this person is not a malignant narcissist, they are covert. Perhaps you may think that there is nothing 'wrong' with this text, but then I can't really explain it to any of you because covert narcissists save their worst for those closest to them, and generally do so face to face.

That being said, perhaps one of you may have a perspective to share on this...
 
The remark about addressing your issues to me is a slap in the face, especially is she knows that you have PTSD or any issues with mental health. She’s also deflecting it away from her. JMO!!!
 
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