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Memories of csa, kind of stuck rn

Discussion in 'Childhood' started by infinity4555, Jun 11, 2018.

  1. infinity4555

    infinity4555 New Member

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    so for this past year i would say has been pretty rough. i’ve been dealing with cptsd eating disorders and bpd for like 3 years now. and one thing that’s been happening since february was me remembering more from child hood. flashbacks, intrusive stuff. but it’s all so vague and i still have major chunks of my life just missing, it’s so frusturating. and as badly as i was to have the anwsers i don’t try to push myself to remember because i’ve heard of false memory and stuff. i have very disturbing body memories, like pain in my genital area, feeling like i am being penetrated, i will freeze up and i kind of feel paralyzed. it gets hard to breath and i started choke/gagging. this is very scary to me. i also have had an instrusive memory/flashback of me in the corner of the shower turned around crying with pain in my genitals and my father was in there too when i was like 5. but it’s so vague and there’s peices missing if that makes sense?? i also go from this happened to no it didn’t and back and forth. but these things that i am more conciously remembering today make so much sense and i also kind of remembering small parts of my abuse from before this year. idk if i am just going crazy and this didn’t happen or it most likely did and i’m just in denial, i still haven’t opened up about any of it in therapy. it’s so difficult and i also am terrified of my family finding out that my father did that stuff to me . does anyone relate to having a really hard time remembering, or have very distressing body memories? what should i do
     
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  3. DharmaGirl

    DharmaGirl Crazy Chicken Lady Premium Member Donated

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    I can relate. I had forgotten much of my trauma, until my mom reminded me of some. I would have nightmares and flashbacks of all of this, and, like you, not know whether it was true or made up. My therapist thought it was true since I was displaying symptoms of CSA. A few years later, my younger brother moved in and he validated a lot that I remembered. Not the CSA, but the rest of it. I still have a hard time believing my father sexually abused me but I know he did, if that makes sense. My mother always said I was his favorite, and he would always take me places. Yep, he took me places alright.

    It took me a long time to open up in therapy, but after the first time, I would have a nightmare or flashback, and we would work on that. I figured it was my subconscious letting me know what was safe to work on. That worked well for a few years until my therapist left. Now I finally have a new, good trauma therapist who I really like, since her goal is to foster my independence.

    I don't know what you should do, but maybe you could read your post to your therapist. You don't have to talk specifics, but just getting those feelings acknowledged will probably make you feel somewhat better and help you on the road to opening up. If that is too hard, you can just let your therapist read it and go from there. You aren't alone in your feelings.
     
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  4. Searching4Self

    Searching4Self Well-Known Member

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    Yes I have these kinds of memories. I don’t have much advice. Here are my thoughts...

    First of all, have you ever told anyone?

    I am in my 40s and I tried to tell therapists about it for 20 years but I didn’t even understand what the memories were, so I didn’t understand that it was abuse. Multiple therapists told me straight up it wasn’t abuse.

    But only when my current T suggested that I’m not honest with myself, that I saw myself as a compassionate person but had zero compassion for myself—only then did I think, “If I’m lying to myself about that, what else am I deceiving myself about?” And I went back to that one memory—the strongest one—from when I was two—and I said to myself—that happened, that happened, and if he hadn’t been my dad he would have been breaking the law (still was breaking the law, but I excused it like so many people do)—and I went to therapy and I asserted that that did happen and I asserted that it was wrong and she fully agreed and said that it was unhealthy for me to be living with him and to have my children living with him.

    I was so so so torn up because I didn’t want to destroy my family unit—my husband and I and my kids had been sharing a house with my parents since my oldest was a toddler—ten years. I knew that my dad had crossed the line with too much spanking and I knew that he was emotionally challenging but I had forgiven him multiple times. But this changed everything. Unfortunately I then had the task of convincing my husband, who I had told about the incident, what I called my weird memory, but had dismissed it, told him that my old T said it was NOT abuse—now I had to convince him that it was in fact a big deal and it was about to tear our family unit apart—even tear him and I apart—tear his kids away from their extended family.

    It was so so so hard. He kept saying, “Why are you so upset NOW?! Nothing has changed!!!”

    I couldn’t live with myself for what I had brought upon my family. My heart was breaking, but actually it was my mind too—because I had been living in fantasy. The fantasy that my dad was ok, safe. And he kind of seemed like it on the outside, but his emotions are crippled from his own abuse and trauma that he hid from.

    I finally told my mom that I couldn’t live with my dad anymore because of that memory. It was so scary to tell her but I remember when I finally did I felt so detached and she was sobbing and broken and said she suspected it. She asked him if it was true—and he immediately said yes, which is weird because most abusers lie and the enabler supports them, but I think I’m starting to understand why he was so quick to admit it—because of guilt and because that memory was not the worst of what he did, and maybe he hoped that he could say that was it? I don’t know because she told him to leave immediately and he did. I don’t talk to him. He sent me a letter but I shredded it. It hasn’t even been a year yet. My relationship with my mom is like cardboard now as I realize how much she enables all of us and has no sense of self, no authenticity. M husband is in therapy, facing his own childhood traumas as he struggles to cope with the loss of me as he knew me.

    The body memories came later. I have had two now—two big ones. One just this week so it is fresh on my mind. The other was about nine months ago.

    The body memories are so important because they only come when I ignore my body for a long time and disconnect, discount it. They force me to see the bigger picture. They help to round out what was going on and who he was and how he interacted with me.

    Yes it’s very hard to trust them. For me, I had to have the anchor of the confirmed memory in order to consider the body memories—but for you it may be something totally different.

    I would say the first step is to get someone on your side—someone who believes you. And then you can start to go piece by piece—questioning, feeling, grieving hopefully. Also my trauma diary here has helped a lot to move through the crap that comes up. Internal Family Systems can be really helpful for sorting out all the maladaptive coping techniques that rose up from the experiences and from the secrecy aspect.

    Hope you can continue to share and reach out—isolation is my worst enemy sometimes.
     
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  5. infinity4555

    infinity4555 New Member

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    yeah i would have terrifying nightmares in my childhood all the time i remember the one that i had repeatedly to this day. and also like i always remembered a bit of the trauma and stuff growing up. my memory is really jumbled and confusing though. i just don’t feel okay with saying it to my mom and like having my sister find out and everyone else, i’m so scared. but yeah i think the first step i have to take is to talk. to a therapist. i have had people tell me to write letters and give them or read them because that could be easier but i still struggle with that but i think i have to... thanks a lot
     
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  6. infinity4555

    infinity4555 New Member

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    i haven’t told anyone... i entered therapy when i was 14 for an eating disorder and suicide attempt and was in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and therapy offices for the last 3 years i am now 18 am i have a truama therapist but i haven’t ever actually talked about my traumas or anything. i have that same fear of breaking apart the rest of my family also fearing they will abandon me, not believe. but i also doubt that too because my father is a terrible person he’s a narcasstic and has no friends and no one in my family or extended family even talks to him. i just get scared. but i think i need to work on just accepting that this is what happened because i think i’m trying to just deny it and say it didn’t but also it all makes so much sense and just feels too real to deny. yeah i need to find someone to be on my side but i have no idea who that would be i have pushed all my friends away or they have left me and i’m not close to anyone in my family. maybe i will find someone though. isolation is a big problem for me and you’re right it’s the worst enemy and the best friend we can have... thank you
     
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  7. DharmaGirl

    DharmaGirl Crazy Chicken Lady Premium Member Donated

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    Why would your family have to know? My family doesn't know about my trauma. My mother told me about a situation that caused trauma, it wasn't about the trauma, it was comparing me to someone else. I don't think you have to bring it up to anyone in your family if you are afraid. Not talking about it to your therapist doesn't make it not true. You can find a lot of support here, until you can establish a safe network for yourself. Be kind to yourself, this is a hard road.
     
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  8. Searching4Self

    Searching4Self Well-Known Member

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    You are wise to guard that abused part of you. Do you feel safe here? This is a good place to practice getting the words and ideas out. Only as much as you feel comfortable, just as an experiment.
     
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