Memories of my two lives, 1 happy and bright, the other sad and dark

David1959

Confident
As I work my way through therapy it naturally opens up some memories, many that I have buried long ago. My memories from childhood are really mostly flashbacks as opposed to linear clear memories. The flashbacks themselves are usually accompanied by physical manifestations from a sick feeling in my stomach to outright body shaking panic.

It is a little frustrating as I try to see more but can't. What I do know is that when I get the rare flashback to something pre abuse which began at 10, even though the image is brief I am left with feelings of brightness and joy. When I have flashbacks post 10 they too are brief yet clear but again I cannot see beyond the flashback image but am left with feelings of darkness, dread and fear.

I keep trying to push through the negative images to see beyond but something inside is holding me back and will not let me see further. Flashbacks of my abuse are always at the start of the incident but go blank beyond that moment. Is this my mind protecting me from seeing, drugs that blanked my memories or a combo of both? My analytical mind wants to go beyond and learn about every detail but I am not sure I can emotionally handle the entire truth of my abuse.

Rather than set me free might the truth condemn me to life at the bottom of a very dark hole unable to function? Is the truth so horrific that I will never be able to forgive myself.
 

David1959

Confident
I have sent this post to my T in advance of my Monday appt. I am hoping she can help me navigate this path but honestly part of me hopes she fails because even though I have to know to heal I have to believe there is a good reason I can't remember details
 
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