Memories that crawl out of dissociation

[Shel]

I’ve decided against disconnecting; and have spent the last few years trying to keep my brain in the moment and open to dealing with the pain as it resurfaces.

But knowledge of a memory crawled out from the deep. One I wasn’t ready to even contemplate existing; and in hindsight I know this has been trying to rise to the surface for at least a week before it got spat out in the middle of a train of thought.
I let my imagination run wild, and the thought… all I thought was she pulled a gun on me.
Everything inside me cracked and cried and screamed as soon as soon as it resonated. And I curled into myself almost going to the floor.
And I know it’s information I have to work through and deal with; but I refuse to dissociate out of it and risk going back to what it was to disconnect. But I don’t know any other tricks; I keep bouncing back and forth from shock to hyperventilating.

I guess the only reason I’m here is cause I can’t comprehend where to start or what’s next. I mean what do you do with the fact that your mother pulled a gun on you?
How do you sit there in fear of the actual memory following it to the surface?

How do I stop the stopping and just let break finish happening?

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm so sorry she did that, and you're re experiencing the immense pain of that now.


It's unbearable when a memory comes out like that.

I don't know how you get over the fact your mum pulled again on you. It sounds beyond cruel and sadistic for anyone to d, never mind your own mother.

But, there are ways to manage the feelings, as dealing with my own from a memory that came out last October. Trying to remain present , knowing you are safe now, is the thing I'm working on. My T keeps saying "you have power and control now". And today she emailed saying that "that includes power over how the past is present in your life today".

Sitting with you.