Memory Loss & Missed Opportunities

Mirage331

New Here
I had applied for an out of state forensics position in January and received an e-mail in February stating an online orientation/testing would take place in the future. Around this time, I had lost a job due to reporting coworkers who were deliberately setting off my cptsd at work (ex. slamming down heavy boxes of merchandise next to me whole on break, randomly yelling at me over small things despite my being their manager, and more). That company was incredibly dishonest and croneyism ran rampant, so no HR department also protected them. Due to my increased availability, my parents' attempted to pull me into their toxic relationship relationship problems even more. My narcissistic father blows up at random and my mother will corner me or call me for hours repeating all the trauma she has experienced and pulls me back into events relating to the origin of my trauma, thus retraumatizing me. In addition, she would also make sure to tell me I am wasting my degrees and try to tear apart all of my decisions. Both are aware of my cptsd, but my father chooses to ignore it and my mom tries to one up it. This and more of their detrimental behaviors leads to sabotage of my happiness; it seems like whenever I am having a good day, like clockwork, my mother will call and bring me right back down.

Back to the job opportunity, I had been checking my recent e-mails every one or two days. I thought I was on top of it and the crime lab was taking a while for the next step, which is not unusual. Something just hit me the other night and I searched the recruiter's name. Turns out I had missed the online orientation testing in March, by several weeks. I kept trying to figure out how I had missed it. This morning, it hit me that I had seen it, but it was during the midst of everything and I completely forgot about it, hence why I didn't notice it will checking recent e-mails. I am so embarrassed, feel so stupid, and this is so out of character for me. I do have a different job in the same state lined up, but it is not in the same sector, pays less, and doesn't have benefits; it will be an incredibly fun job, but it is not my career goal. Despite an apology e-mail, I fear I have already ruined my reputation at this police department.

I know memory loss is a symptom of cptsd, but has anyone else missed out on opportunities due to it? Is it common for retraumatization and increased triggering to amplify it?
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I can't even work anymore and I was an ER RN. So, yes, I missed out on working a high paying job I loved to live on SSDI. I won't ever work again since I am so close to retirement age.

One of the things that defines a mental illness is that it interferes with your life in a detrimental way so this is sort of what that means. You can expect any kind of PTSD to cause problems in your life to the point functionality is affected. How are you treating your CPTSD? Was this a one time thing that could have been caused by the amount of stress in your life? Is your memory intact otherwise? If you are seeing a therapist maybe have a discussion about it. I'm sorry this isn't more helpful.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I looked up the symptoms for CPTSD in the ICD 11, since it is not a diagnosis in the US. It doesn't include memory loss except for memory loss about the traumatic experience(s). I see this attributed to CPTSD online, but I never see where they have quoted a scholarly source. I just don't want you to think that you will suffer memory loss with this when you don't have to think it or have it. That's why I think it would be a good idea to discuss this with a therapist. I just turned 62, and I can never remember my age, but I think this is because of my age, lol. Maybe look at the ICD 11's description of the symptoms and go from there. ICD-11 - Mortality and Morbidity Statistics
 

Mirage331

New Here
I can't even work anymore and I was an ER RN. So, yes, I missed out on working a high paying job I loved to live on SSDI. I won't ever work again since I am so close to retirement age.

One of the things that defines a mental illness is that it interferes with your life in a detrimental way so this is sort of what that means. You can expect any kind of PTSD to cause problems in your life to the point functionality is affected. How are you treating your CPTSD? Was this a one time thing that could have been caused by the amount of stress in your life? Is your memory intact otherwise? If you are seeing a therapist maybe have a discussion about it. I'm sorry this isn't more helpful.
A few years ago, this soldier I was dating said he had ptsd and would go for extended periods of time without communication. Turns out, he was a player and used the stories of comrades to supplement his lies. Prior to finding out, I discovered my symptoms actually matched up with ptsd, but I didn't go to a therapist until a couple years later and she confirmed I have cptsd. Normally, I would go ballroom dancing on the weekends, which helped me relax, but I haven't gone in a year due to covid. Since losing my job, I can't afford to attend sessions. I lost that job due to reporting coworkers for harassment, including one who would drop heavy boxes right next to me and gunned a work truck near me to set off my cptsd. It has been a rough few months. The amount of stress between that and my toxic family has taken a great toll on me. My memory seems to be alright for the most part.

Upon further research, there is another layer. People with ptsd can have a fear of success. It sounds odd, but in the past, whenever I advanced to the next step of obtaining a job, especially forensics, I am filled with dread and panic. In the past, I have always followed through anyways. The reason some people with ptsd feel this way is they fear becoming a prime target for a narcissist since those types go after successful individuals. Another twist is simply something positive happening for fear it is going to be ripped away. One if my ex's targeted me during the time I almost landed a CSI position. I was told I was the number one candidate, the crime lab kept in excellent contact with me, I traveled and passed the polygraph...then I was ghosted by the crime lab. Around this time, my mom ended up in the ICU due to an abusive family member and one of my ex's targeted me. I wonder with this recent opportunity, instead of simply being stressed out and forgetting, if my brain shut it out.

I looked up the symptoms for CPTSD in the ICD 11, since it is not a diagnosis in the US. It doesn't include memory loss except for memory loss about the traumatic experience(s). I see this attributed to CPTSD online, but I never see where they have quoted a scholarly source. I just don't want you to think that you will suffer memory loss with this when you don't have to think it or have it. That's why I think it would be a good idea to discuss this with a therapist. I just turned 62, and I can never remember my age, but I think this is because of my age, lol. Maybe look at the ICD 11's description of the symptoms and go from there. ICD-11 - Mortality and Morbidity Statistics
Thank you so much for looking that up!
 

Mirage331

New Here
That's sad news. I'm sorry that happened to you. Can you reapply in the future?
Thank you. It's fairly rare for crime scene technician jobs to open up because the employees tend to stick around for a long time. I will definitely keep my eye open for another opportunity. I just hope I didn't burn my reputation with what they may perceive as poor communication skills. I did attempt to contact the HR rep/recruiter, but I got ignored. I called the general hr number, left a message, and received no response. I sent a polite e-mail apologizing and asking if there is a possibility that I may reschedule. Final attempt, the next day I left a message at her direct office number. Nothing. This could be the norm for their establishment because when I received the initial e-mail about getting the orientation set up on their end, I let the HR rep know I was currently in that state, just in case they accommodating out of state applicants and it could save them time to do it in person. Luckily, the HR rep is part of the city's HR department, not someone who actually works at the police department.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
I have a lot of forgetfulness, overlooking things, but also have had head trauma. Yet on the subject of ptsd, it felt like my adrenaline was running full speed for so many years, and one day I just shut down. When I say I shut down, I mean it literally. I gave control of almost everything to my husband. I quit doing things, I quit paying bills, I quit buying groceries and cooking, I ignored the need for housework and even personal care. All I really held myself responsible for was feeding and taking my pets out and playing with them. I feel like I know nothing yet my brain is full. Not often, but I will get into a conversation and knowledge flows out surprisingly. I have not lived to my potential for sure. Maybe in my next life.
 

Mirage331

New Here
I have a lot of forgetfulness, overlooking things, but also have had head trauma. Yet on the subject of ptsd, it felt like my adrenaline was running full speed for so many years, and one day I just shut down. When I say I shut down, I mean it literally. I gave control of almost everything to my husband. I quit doing things, I quit paying bills, I quit buying groceries and cooking, I ignored the need for housework and even personal care. All I really held myself responsible for was feeding and taking my pets out and playing with them. I feel like I know nothing yet my brain is full. Not often, but I will get into a conversation and knowledge flows out surprisingly. I have not lived to my potential for sure. Maybe in my next life.
I read that people with ptsd will have extended periods of time with no energy. This has most often happened to me when one of my abusive ex's was around and they tried to set off my symptoms. By that, I mean they would use my ptsd against, or worse, use the stories of previous ex's as a blueprint to build on and attempt stronger control. I struggled to keep up with my daily life and most evenings fell asleep without dinner; my body just crashed. Once I got free, I was better able to manage my usual symptoms. Was the shut down only the one major event and you have been "floating" since then, so to speak, or does this happen periodically?
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Oh Mirage 331 I am so sorry. I completely understand. My husband is not abusive per se.....well maybe a bit. I feel trapped though. He shows no affection and hoards many things, including money. I have no say about much. Yes I could protest....that takes energy Im 62 and have just accepted I guess....until I cant anymore...and Im not far from there. As a child I was neglected, ignored, and abandon. He fills all those behaviors to continue my thinking. It sucks.
 
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