MH clinician seeming not to listen when I say I’m struggling…

[KathK]

So short, trauma with a clinician who was called to ED for consult around new year; given I was already in a heightened state and level of carer burnout and physical pain including the chest pain I’d been sent to get checked by my GP who often doesn’t insist with my history, so the subsiding of hyperarousal and more importantly work to learn to trust and be open to an increasing extent with my treatment team. Well since the incident I’ve been withholding to a greater level, though deflection works well too. I was terrified to give a level of honesty asking for support with exposure to the hospital grounds from my MH case manager, I forced myself to send her the email. And her reply didn’t even mention helping me with exposure work, just I’ve got psychiatrist in a week and can discuss meds (it’s not just about medication ggrrr) and hope things get sorted with NDIS worker transition.

The incident set me back so much, and I couldn’t even fulfill my carer role of attending oncology appt with consultant for my mum, first time I haven’t gone to consultant appt with her since joining her for biopsy results and diagnosis before treatment started. I couldn’t attend because it’s at the hospital where I had the retraumatising incident which has triggered a further SNS activation that’s not settling, then I ask a regular clinician of mine for help, and I shouldn’t have bothered

I should be speaking with my GP today and I do trust her.

I don’t know what to do about the MH case manager. Her, likely inadvertent, dismissal has added to the whirlwind of emotions, especially the shame at showing myself and the feelings of being unworthy except for perps to practice on.

 

[Friday]

I was terrified to give a level of honesty asking for support with exposure to the hospital grounds from my MH case manager, I forced myself to send her the email. And her reply didn’t even mention helping me with exposure work, just I’ve got psychiatrist in a week and can discuss meds (it’s not just about medication ggrrr) and hope things get sorted with NDIS worker transition.

So, just to clarify, make sure I’m reading correctly, as it’s been that kind of day; you asked her for help & she set up a psychiatrist appointment for you (or reminded you that you have one?), & touched base about the NDIS worker?

But are disappointed because she didn’t set up an EMDR or PE therapist?

Did you ask specifically for the referral, & if not, is anything (aside from stress / anxiety / disappointment / & all the feels) stopping you from writing back asking for one?

 

[Friday]

feelings of being unworthy except for perps to practice on.

This is one of those cognitive distortions / core beliefs I’d reeeally suggest starting a thread if its own… pervasive little bastards, aren’t they? Especially when emotions are already heightened, or stress is up up up.

 

[KathK]

So, just to clarify, make sure I’m reading correctly, as it’s been that kind of day; you asked her for help & she set up a psychiatrist appointment for you (or reminded you that you have one?), & touched base about the NDIS worker?

But are disappointed because she didn’t set up an EMDR or PE therapist?

Did you ask specifically for the referral, & if not, is anything (aside from stress / anxiety / disappointment / & all the feels) stopping you from writing back asking for one?

She already knows I’m between therapists and we don’t know timing to start, that I knew I had psychiatry appt soon and date in diary, and I asked her to help me with being able to enter the hospital grounds, knowing she is a trained psychologist and works on the grounds.
I guess I’m upset she didn’t even acknowledge my asking for help, especially around exposure therapy (so many ways to modify the approach), and after she put in writing to me to ask her if I need anything. In a heightened and distressed state I’m supposed to spell out that she’s a psychologist who works on the grounds that include the site of a trauma and is my case manager and I need help desensitising so that I can access hospital care when needed so maybe she could meet me at café across the road for even 15min 1-2times weekly as time allows to double as our supposed checkins and given me support in a modified exposure therapy. Yet the distressed ‘patient’ is supposed to spell out logic to a MH case manager/psychologist?
I could spell it out despite specifically asking for it in 1-2 concise sentences which should’ve been clear to anyone, especially a clinician.
As to stopping me writing back, on a practical side I could copy/paste the couple of lines of my own words (would never do with something written by another), but aside from wondering the point and the mistrust, unworthiness etc…I don’t know if I can find the strength to fight for myself right now. I’ve had to fight (maybe not with fists but in other ways) for so many things since childhood, and for access to support/services, and for my son, and I don’t know if I have anything left to fight for me, despite knowing if my son needed me I’d find a castle sized pie of mother-tiger for him out of a grain of sand.

 

[KathK]

Addit - was a misunderstanding, she hadn’t read my email properly. I copy/pasted that paragraph of my words. We haven’t worked out details but she’s going to help me with attending the grounds and debriefing after.
Thank you Friday. It took so long to actually feel my emotions that when already heightened from other things, well that’s where peer support can help, sometimes more than clinicians, at least in the moment and as adjuncts to other treatments/supports.