MIL Says I Talk to Much About My Accident

[pookiespooka]

Hello, I'm new here. It was such a relief to find someone who can relate to what I'm feeling. I live in the US and my husband's out of work so we can't afford treatment for me so this kind of resource is pretty much all I have to get me through for a while.

I was in a near fatal auto accident almost a year ago. September 13 (a week after my birthday and three days before my wedding anniversary) will be my one year anniversary of the accident. In an instant my life changed. I was about to cross a busy intersection. I saw other cars and let them through but I didn't see the silver sports car coming along and it hit me right in the driver's side door. Luckily the people that hit me didn't suffer any major injuries. I however suffered a crushed left arm, a broken back, broken pelvis, cracked ribs, punctured lung, nerve damage in my right foot, damaged kidney, and a bruised heart muscle. By the grace of God, I can still walk but I had to relearn how to do that. I also have almost full use of my crushed arm thanks to a surgery where they inserted a rod and pins to replace the bone that was shattered. For two to three months I was dependent on others for my every need. For another six months, I still needed a lot of help. Physically, I am a lot more functional now. If there's a problem, it usually has to do with pain or
exhaustion.

As you can imagine it's hard to let an experience like that go but my MIL decided to tell me at my youngest sister in law's birthday party last night that I talk too much about my accident. She says she went through a serious auto accident and she didn't need to talk about it all the time. This was after she once again got on my husband's back about getting a job. She wants him to try getting work at a local hospital, but he can't stand hospitals since my accident. He says it reminds him of what I went through. Furthermore, he wants to choose his own job. After hearing her nag for quite some time in front of everyone, I got defensive of him and I snapped and snarled at her. I asked her if we really need to talk about this now. She then decided to change the topic of conversation to how she tries to stay out of our business (yeah right) and that I talk too much about my car crash. How she had a near fatal car crash fifteen years ago but you don't see her talking all the time about it. :hit-boss: I feel so angry with her right now. It's swell that she's a model accident survivor but I'm not her. I Just want to yell at her right now unleash the fury I've been feeling toward her for months.:angry-fla
When I was still unconscious she tried to get my husband to quit his dead end job that still had health insurance and find another one. She said we could just pay the medical bills off slowly. Since it probably took hundreds of thousands of dollars to heal me, that's wasn't such a wise idea. He pretty much ignored her and stayed with the job until I was done with physical therapy but she wined and moaned the whole time. In addition she brought my sister in laws in on it getting them to side with her and nag at us. My husband had to justify every medical procedure I had to her because she thought it was an unneeded expense. I feel like she didn't even care if I had proper medical care. We have no NHS in the US so the bill would have been quite large.

I feel so angry right now and if she so much as looks at me funny I just might rip her a new a*** h***. My husband however has asked me not to because he would rather deal with it in a more diplomatic fashion. It know this is the best way if I don't want to start some sort of family feud but I do not feel so diplomatic right now :die:

Did I also mention she does not believe in therapy and will nag any family member mercilessly who would dare to seek help? She thinks therapists are quacks and that emotional problems are just in your head. I went to a therapist before the accident for depression and she constantly would nag me and ask nosey questions like how much does it cost to go to therapy. The she has the nerve to ask my husband why I avoid talking to her.

Add on to this, my husband looking for new work. I feel like I can't go forward with my life until he finds something. I'd like to seek therapy or something about these feelings I have. I've not been diagnose with PTSD formally but I've looked up the symptoms and I seem to have quite a few. The closer I get to the anniversary of the accident the angrier and more depressed I feel. I avoid sleep as much as possible and then when I sleep I dream about hospitals, operations, and car accidents.

Last week I was having such a hard time of it I was crying for several hours. I wondered why did I bother to get better and choose to live just for this? All there is , is pain, depression, guilt, anger, nagging relatives and a husband who also seems depressed and who's desperately seeking work. What kept me from harming myself is that I couldn't stand the thought of leaving that kind of emotional mess for my loved ones to deal with. Also I while I was relearning how to walk I saw people dealing with brain damage and I that's a rough way to live. Another thing is, after months of living in an institution while I was healing there's just no way I'd volunteer to live in another one. If I tried to kill myself and wasn't successful, I'd either be stuck in a mental ward for a while or a hospital. Neither sounds good to me so I choose live even if things are difficult right now.:dontknow:

Anyway I don't mean to be a downer. I just meed to get that off my chest.

 

[piglet]

And you've definitely come to the right place for a rant. You are doing so well to put up with the MIL. Sounds like she could do with some therapy herself! Smart people use therapy. Courageous people use therapy. Therefore, you are both smart and courageous, unlike the MIL who sounds like an opinionated scared and insecure individual. So there!

Welcome to the forum!

 

[purdyamos]

The last thing you need is a contaminating influence like that. Her attitude to mental health issues stinks. Never mind how bad other people's lot is. Your accident, your injuries and your feelings are what matter and what need healing. Don't suppress your needs for the sake of 'diplomacy'. At least vent your spleen here. Don't feel guilty about what you percieve you've done to your family. It was an ACCIDENT. You sound like a gutsy character. You'll get through this and we'll help you.

 

[kimG]

Smart people use therapy. Courageous people use therapy. Therefore, you are both smart and courageous

I second that, Piglet...but with one addition:

Smart people use therapy. Courageous people use therapy. Cowards avoid it at all cost.

Pookie, your MIL is a coward. There's no two ways about it. Not even knowing her, I'd bet money that she has so many issues she needs to work on, starting with her need to make everyone around her feel bad in order to make herself feel good. Perhaps she has control or power issues or perhaps she was always made to feel bad about herself and this is how she handles it.

Next time she gets to be like this, look her straight in the eyes and say, "Have you always been like this or did you start after your near-fatal accident?" When she asks, "What way?" just reply "A bitch!":finger:

Also, your husband needs to be the one to tell her to butt out. As long as he does nothing to stop her from saying these things that hurt both of you, she'll continue. It sounds to me like she has always felt the need to control him and, even in adulthood, is still trying. Of course, if this has been going on for years it will be hard to stop; but it's never too late!

You are a survivor and, when she's trying to drag you down, keep reminding yourself of it. You've been through Hell and back (almost literally) and you're doing great considering the circumstances. Perhaps a punching bag with her face on it might do you some good...LOL!:thumbs-up

Oh, and welcome to the forum. Feel free to rant and rave anytime you'd like. We've all been there, done that...now we're designing the T-shirt!

 

[Deleted member 3]

Hey Pookie,

Welcome to the forum. Might I suggest that you ignore your MIL and get on with your own healing. Bugger (sorry Australian slang - who gives a damn - at least that's what it kind of means in this context!!) her!! Talking about the accident is better than bottling it up, that's so much less healthy. Better you do that and get on with your own healing and ignore her - as best you can. With the injuries you sustained I'd be concerned if you weren't anxious about the anniversary approaching. Stay here and talk with these guys awhile, they will be a great help in the interim (until you can afford therapy) and great understanding support once you an get treatment.

 

[anthony]

Hi Pookie,

Welcome to the forum. As said above... everyone covered it so well. Its sometimes a shame the extended families that come with the ones we love. My first wifes family had some serious issues... lucky I got a good MIL and extended family this time round.

Keep talking though, that is the secret to success with all the symptoms.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Welcome Pookie,

Try not to let your MIL's attitude affect you,
she is being very insensitive and rude.

 

[mac]

This is the second time I stopped by here to say something, but felt I ought to just shut my mouth. I've been on a roll today as I have been out and about. What I wanted to say earlier is that you ought to just tell the MIL to fu** off:up-yours: :up-yours: :up-yours: :up-yours: , and tell your husband diplomacy is now over!:fight:

 

[pookiespooka]

Thanks

Thanks for all the replies. I'm still feeling angry today and my husband is starting to express his anger over MIL's actions. He says sometimes she is convinced she's right no matter what and nobody can get her to shut her cake hole. :finger: I still really want to pick up the phone and ream her out for treating me that way. My husband says she won't listen to me so he'll have to take care of it. My worst fear is that she's going to try to control me as to what I can talk about and when. I'll be damned if I'll let her do that to
me. I also now suspect some of my sister in laws put the idea in her head that I am too sensitive and that I need to "get over" the accident. I'll get over the accident and stop talking about it when I'm damn good and ready and not a second sooner. I feel like if anyone comes up to me and decides to tell me what my problem is they'll get an ear full.:poke: :angry-fla

Today we went to get groceries and our bill exceeded what we had in our wallets so we had to take some stuff back. We got less judgment from the clerks and customers than we would have from family members. It's amazing to me that strangers can treat you more kindly than someone who's known you for years.:wall:

 

[mac]

"It's amazing to me that strangers can treat you more kindly than someone who's known you for years."

This forum definitely epitomizes that.

 

[carpediem2006]

It's amazing to me that strangers can treat you more kindly than someone who's known you for years (family)

Nope, you choose your friends, you choose your partner, but you don't choose the baggage accompanying them, or the baggage you're born with.

It occurred to me (from how I relate to the post) quite strongly from the post that the mother in law has perhaps some of the following

1 control issues
2 sense of inadequacy
3 jealousy

Her suggestions of getting a job without health insurance are laughable...that she had an accident is all well and good, but sounds like it screams for attention 'I am better than her', that she is trying to place family into jobs she thinks are right screams of not letting go and not letting children grow up. I feel like she is jeaous of you and the relationship with your husband, and is perhaps unaware of this herself. The other thing, those that talk about 'quacks' instead of 'doctors' have in my experience been the people most in need of a 'quack' that I have ever met despite a bravado exterior.

I wouldn't even give her the satisfaction of anger- I think she craves the attention of this and creates it perhaps- at which point she can then critisize the angry party as weak.

All of this may be wrong, but let's say she reminds me of someone I know from the post you made...hope I haven't offended you, but essentially am writing about someone else I saw aspects of in the post.

The main thing is your anger only affects you. Next time she does this rubbish, notice a minor detail elsewhere "Ooh do you see her dress, isn't she pretty in that" (deflect attention away from her, it's what she is looking for) or tell a joke, or 'remember' to go make a quick 'private' call. She will be infuriated at your rudeness, but you will ofcourse be 'looking after someone going through a hard time, it's the most important thing we can do for others'. Thank her for her opinions, 'thanks for that, I value anyone's opinion, it's useful to have various points of view'...there are better responses than anger and the best one is a private giggle inside. Just make sure your husband doesn't crack up and choke on his coffee when you say them. Dead pan, cut her dead (not literally).


I learnt too late not to pander to that kind of rubbish, so consider this my vent, rather than anything to offend you or members of your family. Oh, and if she sulks, pretend you don't notice. Just be overly nice.

 

[pookiespooka]

I wish I had read your thread before I sent my husband of to talk to my MIL about this issue. Oh well, I'll try some of your suggestions next time. Ususally when she pokes I react. My husband says she tries to upset me on on purpose when she isn't getting a reaction out of him. I almost did consider ignoring her outburst again continuing with my life the same as before. I was afraid she's try to control me in other ways if I let her try to control me even once. Perhaps a change of strategy is in order. I'll reflect on your post, and see if there's a more creative way to deal with her. Your suggestions looked very helpful.