Missing an appointment

I'm so tired of feeling like this. I hate it. My anxiety is so bad that I'm yet again rescheduling an appointment this morning because the thought of going has my stomach in knots and the thought of going outside makes me want to cry. It shouldn't be this hard. I don't want to do this. I want so desperately to just be a normal adult. I want to be able to go to school or get a job, but I can't. The thought of seeing all those people gives me so much anxiety that I'm having a panic attack in my own bed.

I know that being harsh on myself doesn't help, but it just feels ridiculous. I hear my dad's voice screaming at me, telling me how I'm just being lazy and I need to grow the f*ck up. I just... I wish I were different. I can't leave my house. I can't interact with people. I can't...live. What's the point?


On the other side?

1) Emotional Monitoring & Self Regulation is a 2step process. And you DID that. Not in the way that you wanted, but you took stock, evaluated, and made a decision. You were not only self aware enough to make the best decision you could for yourself, at the time, but you also took action to achieve that.

2) Being frustrated (and I soooooo get that) that it wasn’t the decision you wanted to make? First off means you’re brave enough to make hard choices, and secondly? It gives you a serious advantage for next time. Both the next appointment, AND the next time your anxiety starts ticking up. The first solution, or series of solutions, you try might not be successful -or wholly successful- but each time you’ll be learning, and refining, and getting better.

3) Give yourself some credit for calling to cancel... instead of just no-show OR sleeping through it OR any of a dozen other things you might have done to blow it off (pick a fight, get drunk, whatever kind of chaos-creation would have made the appointment impossible whilst f*cking up your life).

Again... I totally get it / I fawking HATE this shit. But I’ve also found if I actually want to move forward? It’s easier when I know where I actually am. Which means assessing my wins & strengths right along with where I’ve f*cked up or am weak. Unless I want to be flailing & thrashing about, because I can only see one part, but not the other.


I'm just being lazy and I need to grow the f*ck up.
If ptsd could be fixed as easily as simply growing up and working harder? It wouldn't even exist as a mental health disorder.

Folks trying to recover from ptsd, like yourself, and so many others here? Are some of the hardest working people I know.

I relate to the spike of symptoms, especially fear, before therapy. Try and be gentle with yourself. The voice in your head isn't telling you the truth. Some days, having the courage to stay home for self care is the most courageous choice you can make.