Monday is my 6th Weekly Appointment with Therapist, Doors Opened & Crashing

David1959

Confident
I guess this is how therapy works but I find myself slowly slipping into dark thoughts and can't concentrate. She is a very good T and specializes in childhood trauma but she is opening doors that have been closed for 45 years and I find myself unable to concentrate, which is very unusual for me.

I know this is a journey I must take but a little apprehensive about where it will take me. I have always been aware of my 2 years of repeated sexual assault from a pedophile from 10-12 but as I am beginning to learn, that was just part of my trauma and I am struggling with my self image and my view of childhood. It is as if my center of gravity has shifted and I am now wobbly.

For those here further down the road of recovery than me, is this something you experienced? Did you come out the other side better or worse?
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
I am sorry you are in the thorns of trauma therapy. I have shared this before so I wont be able to share all its entirety but I do relate what you are going through. In my experience, and I am not recommending this by any means, I embraced the breakdown because in all fairness I survived without any other issues for 46 years - no comorbodty, no depression or anxiety (at least not clinical level) and no more traumatic experiences in my adult life (though this does not mean I did not have a lot of tragic things happened in my adulthood).
I can only share my experience. it was brutal. It was like all of sudden I lost myself, and had nothing (complete and utter emptiness), I could not even recall me in the past (but could easily recall my mother and some other predators - it was like I became them back then). It took me a year of dissociating every week in therapy, listening to music and sleeping in parks during lunch to recharge (or sleeping in the praying room at work during winter), having a group therapy to support me, having my husband to seek his own therapy cause I was checked out. It was brutal. I do not wish this on anyone. It was breaking all defenses and die a little and then resurrect sort of to something altogether other that I am still learning who I am.

I am much better than those days. I accepted all the good, the bad, and the ugly as Eastwood would say. I experienced my lost innocence, my lost love hooks, my lost connection to humanity, my layers of intelligence (not just autopilot and FFFF mode). I arrived and now I am still doing the details. The big scary and unbearable fog is gone. My defenses were that strong cause they got me scat free for 46 years nothing to sneeze about but I was dead wood inside to a point - no creativity, no spontaneity and no ambition...thank goodness my relational side was sort of functioning though. My trauma was consistent abuse for the first 18 years of my life.

I wish you well. I hope you have a lot of support outside of therapy. I hope you have things in life that motivate you to get well soon. I hope you have love and connection to someone (at least one person) outside that you can count on. all these things helped me. I want to add one thing that without it, I probably would not be here, I educated myself (going back to school to learn) about child development and the process of therapy so it makes sense and I did not get lost in the unreal and as if world of symbolization so I could stay grounded. (edited)
 
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ladee

MyPTSD Pro
No one is going to lie to you. This part is hard. Very doable, but hard. And the twist is, if we don't do this part, the healing can't and won't happen.

We do come out on the other side with strength like no other. We come out with self-esteem we thought had been taken from us. We come out and see ourselves in the world differently. In very good ways.

None of us would do the hard part if it didn't have grand payoffs. I knew I was going to find a 'me' I had never met before. And embrace her, and all she had been thru to have the courage to do the hard part. And it becomes memories without feelings attached. Yes, it takes time.

I hope you have some outside support too. It helps a lot. But know everyone here understands, no matter how crazy and unstable you feel, we understand.

wishing you the strength to put one foot in front of the other. And you can mention to your T you feel you are moving too fast. You do have input into the pace you go. If she feels you are ready for this part, she will take your thoughts and feelings into consideration. And maybe tweak her approach some.

You've waited a long time to be free. You are worth it and remember we are here for you.
 

Invisible Fire

MyPTSD Pro
I am currently doing trauma therapy. I have been in therapy for a few years. It isn’t easy and I often do and did feel off balanced. Especially at first. My therapist has done well with the pace and I have learned to be patient with myself. I still have days I feel off balanced because of trauma therapy. But, I am in a much better place than I was. My symptoms are better managed. It isn’t a easy journey but it is doable and very worth it. At least for me. You are not alone in feeling this way.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I guess this is how therapy works but I find myself slowly slipping into dark thoughts and can't concentrate. She is a very good T and specializes in childhood trauma but she is opening doors that have been closed for 45 years and I find myself unable to concentrate, which is very unusual for me.

I know this is a journey I must take but a little apprehensive about where it will take me. I have always been aware of my 2 years of repeated sexual assault from a pedophile from 10-12 but as I am beginning to learn, that was just part of my trauma and I am struggling with my self image and my view of childhood. It is as if my center of gravity has shifted and I am now wobbly.

For those here further down the road of recovery than me, is this something you experienced? Did you come out the other side better or worse?
Caused me some serious head noise when topic gets sensitive, my language processing, memory, and speech all gone to hell. Was on alert and ready to leave the room. Flight mode-had to fight it and spend more time grounding. Lots better now, little noise in my head, and much more resolved w life- it’s not perfect but much more manageable-and I’m working towards general daily contentment.
 
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