"Moral Support" - what is that?

PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
I was talking to my T the other day, and it's funny because once in while I have to qualify what I'm about to say by saying, "Humans seem to need X..." I feel like an alien sometimes trying to figure humans out, and I'm not sure if it's just a part of my personality, the ptsd, or what.

One example of this is I have never understood "moral support." If someone offers to go with me to something most people find sad or hard, I think to myself, 'why?' I have to remind myself that humans generally find company comforting during difficult times. I've been through some severely hard times in my adult life, all of which I endured and got through on my own. I don't see how getting "moral support" would have changed anything. Yet, deep down, I feel like this is a symptom of my upbringing in a cruel environment. I feel like there's a thick callous somewhere in my soul where I should be letting people in. I can offer others moral support but only because I can see that the other person finds it helpful. I personally cannot understand what a human gets from it.

I do feel needy when I get triggered and I want safety from feeling endangered. During those times, I need lots of reassurance that I'm not in danger of being abandoned. Is that my standard? As long as I'm not feeling like I'm dying or agandoned, what do I have to complain about? Is anyone else stumped by "moral support"?
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
Is anyone else stumped by "moral support"?

I understand it as an extension of the social support many people enjoy, just in difficult or challenging times.

I don't usually like anyone hanging around when I'm going through something hard. Of course, there is little chance for that with me as I don't have friends close enough to offer or family who cares to.

It's hard letting others know their presence is not helpful. Seems the "normal" thing is to want companionship.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I was talking to my T the other day, and it's funny because once in while I have to qualify what I'm about to say by saying, "Humans seem to need X..." I feel like an alien sometimes trying to figure humans out, and I'm not sure if it's just a part of my personality, the ptsd, or what.

One example of this is I have never understood "moral support." If someone offers to go with me to something most people find sad or hard, I think to myself, 'why?' I have to remind myself that humans generally find company comforting during difficult times. I've been through some severely hard times in my adult life, all of which I endured and got through on my own. I don't see how getting "moral support" would have changed anything. Yet, deep down, I feel like this is a symptom of my upbringing in a cruel environment. I feel like there's a thick callous somewhere in my soul where I should be letting people in. I can offer others moral support but only because I can see that the other person finds it helpful. I personally cannot understand what a human gets from it.

I do feel needy when I get triggered and I want safety from feeling endangered. During those times, I need lots of reassurance that I'm not in danger of being abandoned. Is that my standard? As long as I'm not feeling like I'm dying or agandoned, what do I have to complain about? Is anyone else stumped by "moral support"?
when you've been through most crisis's in your life in your own then it can seem strange to have people on your side. But ultimately that's a good thing. Try not to push people away when they're trying to help you or are offering 'moral support'.
 
Moral support isn't about helping, changing, aiding or preventing any circumstance. It's just about being in that space & sharing the moment with another person. Sitting in silence is a perfect example. Accompanying someone, holding their hand, carrying their bags & simply staying with them until they navigate their own way forward or out.

I know what you mean when you say that you've gone and done most of the big stuff without having that moral support but imagine what it would have been like if you'd had it?

Idk.. I have had a lot of moral support now that I sit back and think on it. People sitting through months of court cases, hospital visits, road trips, packing and leaving, unpacking and staying.

It's all been so good to have.

Having moral support didn't distract or alleviate or relieve me from the severity of the event I had to endure but having someone there to buy me that drink, hold the door, pull back the blankets and get me up or help me to lay down was priceless. Having someone who actually cared that I got through the event and that I still mattered. It's probably why I'm still here today. :)

I think if you have been through sh*t then you know how to give moral support. I think it's like being a time traveller who has travelled back in time, but mustn't interfere with the event or the happenings because to do so would be to change or avert the natural course that it must take.

I'm not stumped by moral support @PreciousChild - I think whether your an alien or a human the concept of sharing grief from any event is long held and strong. Oh and so are the celebrations too.

I think it's a shame you've not encountered people who've been able to provide moral support when you most likely did need it.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
IME it might help to alter that self talk, too... 'humans seem' makes for alienating you from your own humanity talk. And from others.

You're not a different species from the rest of us.
You're a same type of person...

Whose trauma is really apparent in how they relate to self and others, but doesn't make them not a part of humanity. Not even for a second.

As to moral support, I view it as people expressing they are with me, on any level they can, want to be there for my life, and wish me & mine well / success / good outcomes... because they believe in me, and what I do, and understand the difficult spots I may find myself in, at the time.

Which on itself is everything.
And it doesn't matter if I don't relate well, understand why would they care, know what to do with the care, or know what to but it all is so close I can't verbalize a darn thing.

That's just relating & connection & stuff issue. Unrelated to support being a good thing.
 

PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks for ya'll's perspective on this. @Ronin, good point about the self talk. I wonder if it's adding to my sense of alienation. I think part of the sense of alienation is that it really isn't in my experience to "need" moral support, so I have to piece it together using evidence of my eyes and ears. It's not like with other things in my experience - I don't feel pained about it or feel like I'm missing out or feel like I deserve more. That's why I feel that maybe it's my make-up? Maybe I'm autistic and don't even know it?

I do have family and friends that have been there for certain things. But the crises I've been through has been about getting on my two feet, and frankly, no one wants to feel like they're going to have to financially and morally support you. So there have been years that I spent completely uncertain of my future and struggling. But it wasn't as though I could call my family and friends every night crying the same ole tears and complaining about the same ole problems. I do think I can call my sister when I'm feeling particularly triggered.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel so solitary, @whiteraven. I think your experience of solitude is even deeper mine. I feel sympathy for you as others might be feeling for me who are reacting to my post. I don't feel completely alone, and I think I would be sad if I was. Do you feel sad too? Could you do anything different?

@blackemerald1, your experience is exactly what I hear from others that make me wonder. I never got from my parents anything like that. I remember there was a homeless, mentally ill man lurking around our neighborhood when I was like 10 years old. His mental illness made him aggressive. All of the kids were afraid of him. One day, while I was helping my mom at the local laundromat, I saw him through the window and told my mom that I was scared because he has screamed violently at a friend the other day. All she said was 'well, don't stay here. It's easier to trap you.' So I ran out of the laundromat to find a safe place to hide until he went away. And as for my dad, he WAS the boogie man. I still have nightmares of him trying to kill or torture me. It's memories like this that make me think, it's not just my make up. I learned early on that no one is going to help or protect me even if a monster comes around. So maybe this callous in my soul was learned. But if so, how can I even heal it if I don't even feel pained?
 
I never got from my parents anything like that.

^Sorry - I wasn't writing about my parents. lol... The moral support I received was from friends, acquaintances and sometimes random strangers.

I remember sleeping in my car on a marina several years ago, it was a freezing, stormy night and though I was sheltered it was too cold. There was a petrol station not far, I got out and walked to it to buy a hot chocolate. The young bloke sitting behind the cash register, ever vigilant to robbery, had seen me there, in the car, for many hours & though initially hesitant, when I asked for the drink - he gave it to me for free saying that he figured something was badly wrong for me to be sleeping there. I told him it was the safest place I'd slept in months. He smiled. That's moral support! I never saw him again but I remember him with gratitude. I know he kept an eye on my car while I slept that night.

I don't want to speak of my parents but suffice to say they were never a source of comfort, moral or otherwise.

And as for my dad, he WAS the boogie man.

^I'm sorry.

It's memories like this that make me think,

^Think or feel? It seems you can recall the tragedy of your childhood but none of the players that might have helped you through? Were there any at all?

That's what I mean about moral support... imo it doesn't change the trajectory of your life circumstances but maybe comforts you along the way? Perhaps without that comfort you'd not be the person you are today - the healthy parts? Perhaps not idk... but the purpose of moral support isn't to provide some kind of diversion from your destiny.

Eg many people who have cancer have people that provide moral support to them on their journey with that disease. None of them can prevent or delay the outcome. Not speaking of doctors etc., just people that give a sh*t about it.

I learned early on that no one is going to help or protect me even if a monster comes around.

^I'm sorry you believe that. I am in a similar position but I'm working hard to reach out to people and set down roots. And, fortunately I have my dog now. She gives me moral support too. :)

So maybe this callous in my soul was learned. But if so, how can I even heal it if I don't even feel pained?

^Of course the callous is learned. Injury on injury creates callous.

But maybe also note that after each injury there must have been some healing because a callous doesn't become a callous without healing too.

I think we all have callouses and it's hard to imagine at times that we are making any progress towards healing.

I don't think you need to experience pain anymore to find where the healing needs to happen.

Like @Ronin said, just by saying you feel detached and alien is a source for thought. Perhaps actively trying to rejoin us humans and all our little faults might be a start. I don't know if you undiagnosed autistic. Another area to explore? Though I feel your meaning is that you're less emotional about things but think you should be more? Why? More for exploring?
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
Moral support isn't about helping, changing, aiding or preventing any circumstance. It's just about being in that space & sharing the moment with another person. Sitting in silence is a perfect example. Accompanying someone, holding their hand, carrying their bags & simply staying with them until they navigate their own way forward or out.

True. It's not always welcome, though. Some people just do better dealing with stuff alone.

I think your experience of solitude is even deeper mine. I feel sympathy for you as others might be feeling for me who are reacting to my post. I don't feel completely alone, and I think I would be sad if I was. Do you feel sad too? Could you do anything different?

Oh, no worries. Yes, I'm sad. Generally - most of the time - but with regard to this only sometimes. I almost never am in a situation where I feel sad because I don't have support. Now, with my cat so sick, I kinda wish there were someone who could go with me to the vet with her. And last night there was a huge roach flying around in here (ugh...and ewwww...the only bug I can't stand - I never have them, so I don't know what made him decide now is the time) - could have used "moral support" from someone who would get rid of the damn thing. LOL

I'm not sure why people think it's a fault of some sort when morale support is not welcome. *shrug*
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Ime?

Some of the saddest times can be when the person doesn't feel sad (loss)... because they never *had* what others have & learned to not long for it, as it was never a thing in their world.

For one, I've felt frustrated, enraged, desperate, lost... about my biological family being the kinds of pricks they were - or what they've done or were doing to other biological fam - but it wasn't 'sad'.

'Sad' was when my closest childhood buddy went missing.
'Sad' were other kids I didn't protect - and had bloody adults I needed to be Yessir'ing to and not infuriate - in my way.

I realized only... waay adult... that my numbness & cold & behind a wall from the rest of people...

IS sad. Is sad of that kid / teen that didn't have many supports, and those had quick moved.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
Some of the saddest times can be when the person doesn't feel sad (loss)... because they never *had* what others have & learned to not long for it, as it was never a thing in their world.

Sad for who(m)? If you don't know you're missing something that others have, how can it make you sad? Maybe others will feel sad about it, but...
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Yes but it's more sad to go from not aware to thinking you had it and realizing you never did, now or then. Then there's unnecessary grief, and disappointment, and fear and sadness and regret. Trusting you have it when you do is difficult enough, trusting you have it when you don't, is a back turned when you are most in need. That does feel like abandonment all over, & if nothing else as an adult a reminder and confirmation, and not worth the price or risk, IMHO. It's vulnerability followed & shattered by grief & sadness, of which there is enough without.
 
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