This. This is my most valuable moment. I started thinking why I started posting on here. It hit me today. Feb 16 is my birthday, and I turned 39. I'm also a virgin. I've had opportunities to not be, just a couple though. You see I've had some sex abuse when I was around 6 or 7. After that I got a little quiet and distant. That when things got way worse. My brother (18 months older) has mental problems, and he would literally torture me for his enjoyment. Mentally and physically. I even almost died when he hung me from a tree. Never safe. I would get attacked in my sleep. He isn't like that anymore. I would retreat into my head as it was really the only safe place. So being withdrawn really put a target on me in school. Let's just say I never feel safe, ever. Anyway I was already super depressed on Feb 14th like I am every year, but my birthday has been hard and it took me by surprise. I've never cared about my birthday. It's just unwanted attention that makes me feel uncomfortable. I started a downward spiral with the thought that next year I will most likely be a 40 year old virgin, and the extreme amount of shame and sadness is unreal. I couldn't have casual sex. I wouldn't be able to do it. People when they are kids want to be doctors and lawyers and stuff. I wanted to be married. Who has that dream when they are 5? Me. The opportunities I spoke of where all at bars. I felt like prey. I would panic and say something like sorry I don't feel comfortable with that. Let me tell you, women don't take kindly to a guy turning down free sex. She was mad, and about passport from fear. So anyway, my suicidal thoughts have been in overdrive. I just want to cuddle and have someone tell I'm ok and safe, and maybe cry for a week, but it probably won't ever happen. I just get too nervous with even friends or family being in the same room. People can tell something is off about me because I don't do anthing or go anywhere, and I'm still very quiet. Other than that nobody knows anything. So,, there it is. This is my most vulnerable moment. I've never told anyone or wrote it down, nothing. I think I just needed to post on here to release a tiny bit of the pressure before I hurt myself. Im pathetic I know. I just want to be ok.