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Childhood Mother daughter abuse

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klohwee

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I'm just coming to terms with the fact that the relationship I had with my mother wasn't normal. My mother had severe mental health problems including bpd and ptsd from being abused as a child herself. My dad died when I was 4 so it was just me, her and my older sister who had cerebral palsy, She was incredibly verbally abusive toward my sister, I was the "favorite". We were very close after my dad died, I slept in the same bed as her and we cuddled, I showered with her. We played "games" together and tease eachother which made me feel uncomfortable. She told me all about her sex life, like intimate details she would tell me about how one day I'll have sex and it would feel good. She even took me with her to key her ex's car when i was like 7.

My grandma used to tell me how I was spoiled because my mom gave me more attention then my sister. She would buy my sister more presents then me on Christmas and then rub it in my face and say it was because my mom treated me better than she did my sister. However she didn't see that I walked on eggshells around my mom, if i said something in the wrong tone of voice or expressed discomfort with her she would get offended and scream at me all night or beat my ass. Up until I was 6 I got spanked for the smallest things everyday sometimes more then once a day.

I went into foster care at 6 and when i came home 6 months later and she stopped hitting me everyday. But she was still easy to anger and was always yelling at me. She became physically abusive and did things like rip my hair out of my head. She gave me bruises and blamed it on my sister, she gave me 2 black eyes and kept me home from school for a month to hang out with her.

Her best friend and lover were both violently murdered within the same year, she started using herion and would always tell me she was afraid she had aids because she was sharing needles. I was put into foster care again at 11 because she tried to kill herself over a guy, I was left home alone for 2 weeks before my teachers called cps. She was supposed to get me back but she overdosed when I was 13 so I stayed in foster care.

I loved her more then anything but i also hated her, i was relieved when I went into foster care and at first when she died but it still hurts me. I'm 23 now and in college struggling to keep a job and keep my grades up, I've tried to kill myself 6 times in the past 2 years and have an on and off problem with coke and xanax, i was also recently diagnosed bpd myself and am trying to come to terms with that.

I've known all my life that I was abused because I remember things happening but I blocked out the fact that it was my mom, I told myself it was one of her lovers even though I knew that wasn't true. But I read a forum of someone who was abused by their mom in the same way and it all came together. I'm having a very hard time processing this and I have noone to talk to because no one would understand.

I'm sorry I just really need to vent I can't get this out of my head. I came to terms with the physical and emotional abuse but i have a really hard time calling it sexual abuse became I'm not sure.
 
Welcome to the forum, klowhee! I'm also glad you found us. I think the vast majority of our members understand how you're feeling. You're among friends.

You had a horrible start to life. I'm sorry for what you've gone through. You're here now, and we are here to support you as best we can. You will need help from a trauma therapist. This is something you can't fix by yourself.

I hope to see you in chat sometime! :)
 
Hi Klohwee,

I'm glad you posted too. It is such a tough thing to come to terms with and it feels very isolating.

I'm 23 now and in college struggling to keep a job and keep my grades up, I've tried to kill myself 6 times in the past 2 years and have an on and off problem with coke and xanax, i was also recently diagnosed bpd myself and am trying to come to terms with that.

You are in school, wow, that is impressive and I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I'm a lot older than you and considering your situation, I think a really good thing is your self awareness at such a young age. You are a strong one, no doubt.

You are struggling with an understandably huge weight on your shoulders....I cannot recommend strongly enough that you find a therapist asap. They will help shoulder the burden and ease it off of your shoulders. I only wish I had your awareness at your age.

I've known all my life that I was abused because I remember things happening but I blocked out the fact that it was my mom, I told myself it was one of her lovers even though I knew that wasn't true. But I read a forum of someone who was abused by their mom in the same way and it all came together. I'm having a very hard time processing this and I have noone to talk to because no one would understand.

Please know you are not alone and I had a similar experience, I "remembered" things but at a distance, I knew they weren't normal but I was cut off from the emotions/proper perspective. Later in life I had light-bulb moments where I was suddenly hit by what had happened, it was like the memories had been filmed in silent black and white and then they were coming through with sound and color and a new context.

You do have people to talk to here that understand and have had similar experiences. I am one of them.

But the best help will come from a therapist.

I was beyond creeped out at what I slowly came to realize, for myself, my brother along with the magnitude of my mothers abuse of us and her raging mental illness(es). It took me some time to realize where/what/who with the sexual abuse. I knew there was some but it was so confusing if it was "real", did it "count" etc.

I can only post here with you know and acknowledge my own abuse due to my therapist. Before his help I could not deal with any of this, today I remember what happened, understand it and accept it. It is now in my past but not hidden and wrecking havoc.

Do you have therapy in mind or resources available?

You are taking the first steps by talking about this, if I can be of any help feel free to PM me.

Best, Whirlwind
 
hi @klohwee .....im so sorry that happened to you.....its awful ..i too have a mother with bpd.and yeah they can be the most evilist people on earth especially when they dont get help and think they are normal.

You need to get all the help,support,self love and esteem available to you......i think the fact you have made it this far is amazing....It will take alot of therapy and treatment to undo alot of what you were taught , the brainwashing.....the cognitive distortions......

But youre meant to be here for a reason....so youre meant to be happy and loved and cared for ...

I know it wont be easy ...It will bring up so much pain and horror and sometimes you just wont want to get out of bed.well thats ok,,if all you can manage is staying in bed thats ok ,dont let anyone ever tell you its not.

I hope you can get some help asap...and please remember it does get better....it does but obviously not right now.It really sickens me the disgusting things are parents do to us......how f*cking dare they,,,but they do..and it messes us up so badly..but i was reminded the other day by an old woman who went through hell ..dont let the bastards win....amazing words for someone who is in her 80s........she did say though it wont be easy.
please take care,find the help,dont , dont be hard on yourself.....and you have us....we will always be here to listen support ,encourage and care.Big big hugs....
 
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