I'm just coming to terms with the fact that the relationship I had with my mother wasn't normal. My mother had severe mental health problems including bpd and ptsd from being abused as a child herself. My dad died when I was 4 so it was just me, her and my older sister who had cerebral palsy, She was incredibly verbally abusive toward my sister, I was the "favorite". We were very close after my dad died, I slept in the same bed as her and we cuddled, I showered with her. We played "games" together and tease eachother which made me feel uncomfortable. She told me all about her sex life, like intimate details she would tell me about how one day I'll have sex and it would feel good. She even took me with her to key her ex's car when i was like 7.
My grandma used to tell me how I was spoiled because my mom gave me more attention then my sister. She would buy my sister more presents then me on Christmas and then rub it in my face and say it was because my mom treated me better than she did my sister. However she didn't see that I walked on eggshells around my mom, if i said something in the wrong tone of voice or expressed discomfort with her she would get offended and scream at me all night or beat my ass. Up until I was 6 I got spanked for the smallest things everyday sometimes more then once a day.
I went into foster care at 6 and when i came home 6 months later and she stopped hitting me everyday. But she was still easy to anger and was always yelling at me. She became physically abusive and did things like rip my hair out of my head. She gave me bruises and blamed it on my sister, she gave me 2 black eyes and kept me home from school for a month to hang out with her.
Her best friend and lover were both violently murdered within the same year, she started using herion and would always tell me she was afraid she had aids because she was sharing needles. I was put into foster care again at 11 because she tried to kill herself over a guy, I was left home alone for 2 weeks before my teachers called cps. She was supposed to get me back but she overdosed when I was 13 so I stayed in foster care.
I loved her more then anything but i also hated her, i was relieved when I went into foster care and at first when she died but it still hurts me. I'm 23 now and in college struggling to keep a job and keep my grades up, I've tried to kill myself 6 times in the past 2 years and have an on and off problem with coke and xanax, i was also recently diagnosed bpd myself and am trying to come to terms with that.
I've known all my life that I was abused because I remember things happening but I blocked out the fact that it was my mom, I told myself it was one of her lovers even though I knew that wasn't true. But I read a forum of someone who was abused by their mom in the same way and it all came together. I'm having a very hard time processing this and I have noone to talk to because no one would understand.
I'm sorry I just really need to vent I can't get this out of my head. I came to terms with the physical and emotional abuse but i have a really hard time calling it sexual abuse became I'm not sure.
My grandma used to tell me how I was spoiled because my mom gave me more attention then my sister. She would buy my sister more presents then me on Christmas and then rub it in my face and say it was because my mom treated me better than she did my sister. However she didn't see that I walked on eggshells around my mom, if i said something in the wrong tone of voice or expressed discomfort with her she would get offended and scream at me all night or beat my ass. Up until I was 6 I got spanked for the smallest things everyday sometimes more then once a day.
I went into foster care at 6 and when i came home 6 months later and she stopped hitting me everyday. But she was still easy to anger and was always yelling at me. She became physically abusive and did things like rip my hair out of my head. She gave me bruises and blamed it on my sister, she gave me 2 black eyes and kept me home from school for a month to hang out with her.
Her best friend and lover were both violently murdered within the same year, she started using herion and would always tell me she was afraid she had aids because she was sharing needles. I was put into foster care again at 11 because she tried to kill herself over a guy, I was left home alone for 2 weeks before my teachers called cps. She was supposed to get me back but she overdosed when I was 13 so I stayed in foster care.
I loved her more then anything but i also hated her, i was relieved when I went into foster care and at first when she died but it still hurts me. I'm 23 now and in college struggling to keep a job and keep my grades up, I've tried to kill myself 6 times in the past 2 years and have an on and off problem with coke and xanax, i was also recently diagnosed bpd myself and am trying to come to terms with that.
I've known all my life that I was abused because I remember things happening but I blocked out the fact that it was my mom, I told myself it was one of her lovers even though I knew that wasn't true. But I read a forum of someone who was abused by their mom in the same way and it all came together. I'm having a very hard time processing this and I have noone to talk to because no one would understand.
I'm sorry I just really need to vent I can't get this out of my head. I came to terms with the physical and emotional abuse but i have a really hard time calling it sexual abuse became I'm not sure.