Mother issues - Advice on how to survive till I can get away from her & why I don’t believe myself?

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
I hate to come on here just to complain but… I am 🤷🏻‍♀️

Recently recovered more memories of abuse as a kid and this time it’s mother (& a brother).

I’m constantly telling myself that I’m making this stuff up. I don’t know why I am but… T tells me it’s normal when the truth is too scary to deal with.

I currently live with mother. She was away when I remembered. She’s been back 24 hours & I’m going a bit nuts.

Advice on how to survive till I can get away from her?

And what about me not believing myself?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Not believing yourself: I did that too. It's horrible isn't it? Leaves you in this place of half knowing it happened but this immense doubt.
But, why would you make it up?
When you expressed your feelings and thoughts as a child were you told, directly or indirectly, that you were wrong?
I developed this total self doubt because I was laughed at or ridiculed or ignored if I ever expressed something as a child. So if your care givers do that, it creates complete confusion. And what else can a child do but assume the child has it wrong. Doubt themselves. That then sets in a whole way of being. And makes it really easy with the traumatic stuff to immediately go to: nope, didn't happen, I'm bad, I made it up etc.
The way to shift that? Compassion. Self care.
For me, it helped to think how I would treat someone else who said this. I wouldn't invalidate them the way I was invalidating me. Painful but it helped.

Totally understandable that it must be so tough being around her right now. How long are you with her for?
Can you put in some boundaires?
Do you have to be around her? Is there another option?

If you can't get away now, then this place is a good place to come, express, reset, and go back.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i started psychotherapy in 1972 with full trauma induced amnesia. it took another decade or so before i could understand why my therapists kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i may have blocked all my childhood memories, but i knew enough about the current state of my birth family to believe my time with them was worth forgetting. alas, not even digital memory can be fully wiped so easily. repairing the damage to my organic memory functions has proven to be a long, strange trip. works still in progress. the challenge is greatly increased by the fact that not too many of my childhood memories can be either confirmed nor denied. i lived in so many different places that even location is impossible to confirm or deny.

personally, i am not too quick to trust my emerging childhood memories, lock, stock and barrel. even without the injury of trauma, childhood memories are typically not the most reliable. childish perceptions self-gaslight with the most natural of ease. with much help from my psychotherapy network, i learned to sit with my emerging memories until i process them beyond the initial ptsd reactions and can look at them more objectively.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Not believing yourself: I did that too. It's horrible isn't it? Leaves you in this place of half knowing it happened but this immense doubt.
But, why would you make it up?
When you expressed your feelings and thoughts as a child were you told, directly or indirectly, that you were wrong?
I developed this total self doubt because I was laughed at or ridiculed or ignored if I ever expressed something as a child. So if your care givers do that, it creates complete confusion. And what else can a child do but assume the child has it wrong. Doubt themselves. That then sets in a whole way of being. And makes it really easy with the traumatic stuff to immediately go to: nope, didn't happen, I'm bad, I made it up etc.
The way to shift that? Compassion. Self care.
For me, it helped to think how I would treat someone else who said this. I wouldn't invalidate them the way I was invalidating me. Painful but it helped.

Totally understandable that it must be so tough being around her right now. How long are you with her for?
Can you put in some boundaires?
Do you have to be around her? Is there another option?

If you can't get away now, then this place is a good place to come, express, reset, and go back.
Thanks. Working on getting a government funded place for myself but it takes time…

Boundaries? I just try to ignore her as much as possible. But my anxiety is going through the roof… constantly

i started psychotherapy in 1972 with full trauma induced amnesia. it took another decade or so before i could understand why my therapists kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i may have blocked all my childhood memories, but i knew enough about the current state of my birth family to believe my time with them was worth forgetting. alas, not even digital memory can be fully wiped so easily. repairing the damage to my organic memory functions has proven to be a long, strange trip. works still in progress. the challenge is greatly increased by the fact that not too many of my childhood memories can be either confirmed nor denied. i lived in so many different places that even location is impossible to confirm or deny.

personally, i am not too quick to trust my emerging childhood memories, lock, stock and barrel. even without the injury of trauma, childhood memories are typically not the most reliable. childish perceptions self-gaslight with the most natural of ease. with much help from my psychotherapy network, i learned to sit with my emerging memories until i process them beyond the initial ptsd reactions and can look at them more objectively.
I may sound defensive here… I’ve had a recurring nightmare since I was about 8 years old. And mother plays a MAJOR role.

So for a few years now I’ve been saying that it must be my childish brain wanting my mom to save me. But when I had this clear, yet annoyingly short, flashback I couldn’t deny it anymore.

As absolutely disgusting that makes me
 

Friday

Moderator
As absolutely disgusting that makes me
Feeling disgusted is a very different thing from BEING disgusting.

I know this could just be an English thing (makes me mad, makes me disgusted)… but KIDS rarely make that distinction. If they’re happy? They, themselves, are happiness. If they’re angry? They themselves, are rage. Etc. The difference between feeling something, and being something, doesn’t set in till later.

So just in case it’s an emotional flashback where you “are” what you feel? Or a cognitive distortion/core belief? (Rather than an English is weird, what I meant to say is it makes me disgusted, not disgusting). Felt I might should throw a flag on it.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Feeling disgusted is a very different thing from BEING disgusting.

I know this could just be an English thing (makes me mad, makes me disgusted)… but KIDS rarely make that distinction. If they’re happy? They, themselves, are happiness. If they’re angry? They themselves, are rage. Etc. The difference between feeling something, and being something, doesn’t set in till later.

So just in case it’s an emotional flashback where you “are” what you feel? Or a cognitive distortion/core belief? (Rather than an English is weird, what I meant to say is it makes me disgusted, not disgusting). Felt I might should throw a flag on it.
Not a grammar thing. I do think it makes me disgusting. Said on purpose. Extremely embarrassed. Both my parents separately??? It’s gotta be me.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Boundaries? I just try to ignore her as much as possible. But my anxiety is going through the roof… constantly
I can imagine. It sounds really triggering and challenging.
I'm sorry you are in that situation.
Finding a way out sounds good. In the meantime, maybe there are some things to help? Like grounding techniques. Maybe building a routine of when you are in shared spaces or spending time with her?

It’s gotta be me
It isn't. It was never you.
The healing comes from shifting the shame and responsibility on to abusers rather than ourselves. Promise. It is possible.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
I can imagine. It sounds really triggering and challenging.
I'm sorry you are in that situation.
Finding a way out sounds good. In the meantime, maybe there are some things to help? Like grounding techniques. Maybe building a routine of when you are in shared spaces or spending time with her?


It isn't. It was never you.
The healing comes from shifting the shame and responsibility on to abusers rather than ourselves. Promise. It is possible.
But how do I do that??? I can’t seem to get angry at the abusers… I’m just angry with myself for letting it happen
 

Friday

Moderator
It isn't. It was never you.
The healing comes from shifting the shame and responsibility on to abusers rather than ourselves. Promise. It is possible.
This.

Both my parents separately??? It’s gotta be me.
So all abused kids are at fault for their abuse? Or is this a godlike power you’ve granted yourself, to be the puppet master / totally in control of how your parents chose to think/feel/act… meanwhile other kids clearly aren’t to blame for what adults chose to do to them?

Honest question. Some people belief all victims are to blame for being raped/ abused/ killed/ etc. Others believe only they’re at fault, whilst other victims are blameless. Whilst some split the difference; adult victims are responsible for what happens to them, but child victims aren’t, or vice versa.

***
When I was a kid (in the Far East) I was taught that the spirits of unborn children choose their parents. Which is “why” children feel at fault when their parents are cruel, or too poor to take care of them, or don’t like children, or irresponsible, or dishonourable, et cetera.

Spirits, we were taught, are all VERY different creatures. So the reasons why they chose to be born into hardship? Are just as varied as they are.

- Some may choose hardship because they are quite brave, and wanted to protect weaker spirits from pain beyond their ability to handle, even though they themselves might break under the pain, to protect others they step up.
- Some are quite self confident, assured in their ability to rise above the hardship.
- Some wish better understanding, to know hardship in all its forms.
- Some spirits are heartbroken, having lost those they loved to hardship, they want the empathy and strength born from shared experience to help those spirits wounded by things outside of their ability to help without that understanding.
- Some desire the family connection; to ancestors long past, or to be an ancestor of those yet to come; despite the difficulty in the present.
- Some spirits are quite creative, and wish to try different methods of dealing with hardship.
- Some spirits weren’t paying attention / did not truly understand what they were getting into & are about to learn a lesson in the importance of making informed decisions.
- Some spirits lost a bet (yep!)
- Some spirits are positioning themselves politically (or otherwise) and view dealing with hardship as a price they’re willing to pay.
- et cetera

But even under the paradigm of spirits of unborn children choosing their parents? The spirits are no more at fault for their parents actions/decisions/circumstance than a person running into a burning building is at fault for the flames being hot. Yes, a person running into a burning building knows they could get burned. But that knowledge is not what gives the flames their power. Choosing to face the flames is not what makes them fire. They were already fire.

Even IF you chose your own parents? You weren’t the one who made them abusive. Being burned doesn’t give you godlike control over fire, which would never have been hot, if you hadn’t run into the building. The fire was always fire. Your parents were always their own selves, making their own choices. They chose to have children. They chose to abuse those children.

As even believing one can choose their own parents, for their own reasons, doesn’t give them power over who their parents are, or how they behave.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
But how do I do that??? I can’t seem to get angry at the abusers… I’m just angry with myself for letting it happen
I understand.
It's far easier (initially) to turn all that anger, shame, trauma, responsibility, inward to ourselves. Gives us some form of control if we're responsible for the trauma we suffered.
And right now, it might not be safe to actually direct that anger towards your abusers of you are living with one of them. But you can still learn to not be angry at yourself and learn compassion for yourself.

Do you have a T?

I can't imagine what it must be like to have these memories resurface and to be faced with living with that person . Really hard situation you are in.

I don't know how easy it is to get out. Or avoid her. Or maybe have some form of dialogue with her (not to explain or ask about the memories, but to say you need space - is that something she would hear or just ignore?)
Can you think of things that might help just a little?
 

grit

Not Active
It seems to me at least from my narrow life experience including my own that children blame themselves cause the idea of others doing something different from them is not really up in their priority. Children are sort of mixed with the parents and even more so if there is any trauma bonding. Ask any grown up woman from abusive relationships, and even they will be blaming themselves for getting beaten by a grown up man until they do not. So if an adult can get confused during trauma, what chances do a child have?
I do not know your age but to me it seems perhaps your life experience is limited to your parents; hence, the difficulties or the inability to put the blame where it is: adults how abused or neglected a child not a child throwing a tantrum (not that you did but even if you did, no child deserves trauma cause they did something).

Now how do you stop getting angry at yourself? I think a good therapist can help you with this as others already noted above me. But I also think it is OK to admit the reality that you are angry at yourself for still living with them and this is the kicker - you start to soothe yourself. There is no one who can do this for you anymore or as effective as you can for yourself and as an adult so you start to soothe yourself by counting your gratitude, focusing on your future plans, having intentions and checking your motivations for being angry. Not an easy feat, but a good start. More importantly, eat well, sleep well, and find people who nurture your soul outside of family.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
This.


So all abused kids are at fault for their abuse? Or is this a godlike power you’ve granted yourself, to be the puppet master / totally in control of how your parents chose to think/feel/act… meanwhile other kids clearly aren’t to blame for what adults chose to do to them?

Honest question. Some people belief all victims are to blame for being raped/ abused/ killed/ etc. Others believe only they’re at fault, whilst other victims are blameless. Whilst some split the difference; adult victims are responsible for what happens to them, but child victims aren’t, or vice versa.

***
When I was a kid (in the Far East) I was taught that the spirits of unborn children choose their parents. Which is “why” children feel at fault when their parents are cruel, or too poor to take care of them, or don’t like children, or irresponsible, or dishonourable, et cetera.

Spirits, we were taught, are all VERY different creatures. So the reasons why they chose to be born into hardship? Are just as varied as they are.

- Some may choose hardship because they are quite brave, and wanted to protect weaker spirits from pain beyond their ability to handle, even though they themselves might break under the pain, to protect others they step up.
- Some are quite self confident, assured in their ability to rise above the hardship.
- Some wish better understanding, to know hardship in all its forms.
- Some spirits are heartbroken, having lost those they loved to hardship, they want the empathy and strength born from shared experience to help those spirits wounded by things outside of their ability to help without that understanding.
- Some desire the family connection; to ancestors long past, or to be an ancestor of those yet to come; despite the difficulty in the present.
- Some spirits are quite creative, and wish to try different methods of dealing with hardship.
- Some spirits weren’t paying attention / did not truly understand what they were getting into & are about to learn a lesson in the importance of making informed decisions.
- Some spirits lost a bet (yep!)
- Some spirits are positioning themselves politically (or otherwise) and view dealing with hardship as a price they’re willing to pay.
- et cetera

But even under the paradigm of spirits of unborn children choosing their parents? The spirits are no more at fault for their parents actions/decisions/circumstance than a person running into a burning building is at fault for the flames being hot. Yes, a person running into a burning building knows they could get burned. But that knowledge is not what gives the flames their power. Choosing to face the flames is not what makes them fire. They were already fire.

Even IF you chose your own parents? You weren’t the one who made them abusive. Being burned doesn’t give you godlike control over fire, which would never have been hot, if you hadn’t run into the building. The fire was always fire. Your parents were always their own selves, making their own choices. They chose to have children. They chose to abuse those children.

As even believing one can choose their own parents, for their own reasons, doesn’t give them power over who their parents are, or how they behave.
Fascinating… the beliefs you grew up with. I was taught as a child that babies choose their parents but that’s it.

I understand & logically agree with you mostly. My problem is that I don’t think I ever said “no”. As far as I can currently remember I never uttered a word. During or after to tell someone. And yes, I know I was frozen in fear but I should have been stronger than that. At some point I should of been able to say SOMETHING to them to stop them.
I am a work in progress… lately I’ve been kinder to my “little me” which is an interesting feeling but that’s probably what ur talking about?
 
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