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Mother's birthday triggering nightmares

Discussion in 'Death' started by T2L, Apr 7, 2018.

  1. T2L

    T2L Member

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    Last night I had recurring nightmares on a topic I truly thought I worked through. Today is my mom's birthday, which I'm sure was a trigger for these dreams. I was there for her finl week's, I gave her the hospice med cocktail as directed. My father was unable to cope and wouldn't do it, and the home aids legally couldn't do it... So it was up to me. I ignored my feelings in the moment because it had to be done to comfort her. However, the tremendous guilt took its toll on me for over a year. I could not shake the feeling that *I* killed her. I know logically the liver failure was the cause, but I was the one to give her the cocktail, slowly increasing the dose as directed by the hospice nurse. I thought I worked through that guilt but I guess my brain deep down didn't? It's been a while I've thought about it or even semi believed I killed her. I'm struggling today with guilt, anger, and sadness. I'm trying to avoid the images in my head of her final moments. It'll be 2 years in May since she passed away. This is her second birthday since she passed away. I'm hoping this is just a glitch and it'll get easier as time continues to pass. I just had to get that out...out.. you for listening.
     
    EveHarrington and AnD like this.
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  3. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

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    Ph I am so sorry.....
    I could tell you over and over that you have nothing to feel guilty for, tell you that your actions were done out of love, tell you that it's ok....and you may not believe me. But it is true.

    I can't even imagine how you must be feeling and I have no words to make it better. All I can do is tell you that you are not alone
     
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