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Relationship Moving on

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RRT13

Confident
So I guess I need to vent here because this seems to be the only place where we all understand and support each other.
I've decided I gotta do what's best for me. Even though I know me and my combat vet have been over for a few weeks I still held on. We never officially said hey lets break up but I feel its obvious. 6 months of happiness, stress,love,confusion and every emotion in between. All worth it too.
Since beginning of Feb he says he hasnt been happy and its not me or anything personal. But he just admitted that this week.We got together in Sept and it was fun and all honeymoon phase.We broke up on good terms in Nov when he moved back home to his family several hours away. We constantly kept in touch too. At Christmas he admitted to missing me and said he still loved me so we tried to work it long distance. I visited twice at Christmas and end of Jan and it was the honeymoon phase again. Feb til now has been stressful and hard. Push, pull, hot and cold and isolation. I think hes battling depression along with his untreated PTSD. Ive just decided I need to move on from my feelings and maybe we can just be friends.
I dont hate him, we still talk daily. He says he trusts me. But he still wants to move far away from his family so he can be happier. There's only so much you can sacrifice yourself til you can't. Im no means giving up on him as a person. I love him and will always be there to support him. When he finally gets help and his happiness back then maybe things can change. Im not sure what else to do. Im usually really good at shutting down and blocking feelings but I just couldn't with him.
But as of this weekend I am putting me first.
Guess I just needed to vent. Maybe one day things will work out. I mean we meet these guys for a reason right. I just hope the best for him.
 
@Brtrurner13, When I read your vent, I thought it was me who wrote it---same time frame, same sort of rollercoaster, nearly the same end. Well, I started a fight just to end it because I need a concise "This isn't going to work" but I know in my heart that when I'm in his area (he's a cop) that the same intense feelings will be there when we chance upon each other again.

My question to you is what are you going to do when your vet eventually pops up into your life again? What healthier boundaries/self-love will you incorporate? I'm going over this scenario myself right now so I'm curious. Btw, I'm the vet with PTSD whereas I don't know my charming cop well enough to know if he has PTSD are just isolates when stressed.
 
@Rugby02 Oh wow I'm a police officer too. Ive never dated outside law enforcement or military because I dont trust anyone. And I feel they dont understand me and my lifestyle. Lol. You would think I would be stronger emotionally, which I am at work but not in relationships.
I doubt I would ever see him in my town. He said he hates the weather here. Whatever that means. I live on the Texas coast, its pretty awesome.
We will probably keep in contact. The longest without was a week and we caught up like nothings changed. I dont even know what to think if he even comes back but if so we definitely need boundaries. Even I do. Im an only child so boundaries have never been in my vocabulary. I really want to isolate and not talk to him for a while but at the same time I dont want to give up on him as a person. I just decided this on my own to just give up my feelings for him hoping we will work out when its obviously bigger than just me and him.
I wish I could tell you more as a police officer on your guy but geez we have our own set of issues we deal with everyday at work. I know we def get numb from seeing so much. I even keep my distance from co workers because I dont like them knowing much about me and my personal life. We become really over protective of ourselves.
 
It’s refreshing to read that I’m not alone. My ex’s ex and I had a conversation today about my ex returning to him after he broke it off with me in November. I’m not surprised at all because I felt it in my gut. I have no other choice but to move on because I’m definitely worth a hell of a lot more than that. I’m worth more than promiscuity, belittling, devaluing, and whatever goes with it.
One thing I learned here and from him, is that this illness dictates and perpetuates bad behavior, suicidal thoughts, and major disrespect. My heart goes out to all of those suffering and all of those supporting sufferers because ptsd is truly not a minor illness and it takes some pretty strong people to endure the constant questioning of each day.
I loved him seriously and unconditionally from the moment I started dating him, but then it all fell apart when I slowly made the sad discoveries of him not even caring a little about me and how things may have appeared. He often used to say, “get out of your head”, “don’t take things personally”. I don’t believe that statement anymore. That’s a major cop out!
 
@BJ, yeah, I have been known to say "I believe that I am more than a mere vessel for others' sexual conquests." and I was grateful to have been pushed to the point to establish this healthy boundary because it told me that the other person is either going to respect it or,....if not, then that person is not going to be in my life. Love, to me can be twisted and my cue is when somebody tries to tell me to not take it personally when it's 1:1. Damned Skippy it's personal and I call my shots on what I allow to affect me. Kudos to you for identify it as such!

@Brturner13, that's so cool that you're LE. Like you, I have a built-in trust for military and LE and the subculture involved. Translated, I like men with shitty shifts, low pay and potentially life-threatening conditions. lol

For the first 17 months after being separated, I was so busy doing me that I didn't even consider myself as datable material because of my PTSD/service dog in tow. Then he came along, gave me his card and wow, multiple times every day he was texting me and telling me how absolutely gorgeous I am. I'm grateful because his kind words repeatedly reinforced these self-values that I now possess about myself.

"I've decided I gotta do what's best for me."
I'm glad that you believe that you'll be in contact with your vet again! Here is my recipe for drawing my guy back into my life which is right along with your stance: Get happy doing me and allow the Universe to deliver or if not, someone better will come along and to let myself know that I did the best I could in the given situation. I read some of the books by Rhonda Byrne to help me such as The Secret and sequels. It's an easy read and well worth it if you're inclined.

I'm not dating right now although it's going on a month because wow, I really want to be with this guy and I keep comparing all men to him. The issue is that he never wanted to meet in person except for once and that was because we happened to meet up--I was walking the service dog and he was in his squad car-and he was getting off shift in a few hours. Except for that one date, and after all the texts he still cancelled just getting together when I was in town. Cancellations happened just mere hours before we were to meet up. After six consecutive times, really? Yet, I'm just doing me and letting myself casually be in his beat when I'm in town because I absolutely know that he'll be right there wanting to talk to me again.
Like you, I'm just giving him space because I don't know how else to be supportive. As for boundaries, I got the inside player book from an old friend of mine who was a MAJOR player of women---only text twice and if there is no response, let it go. (Amazingly, he always texted me after two texts no matter what.) Then, because men like to chase, put myself in the way to let myself get caught and for gawd's sake don't chase him because my old buddy would just sit back and laugh at all the women constantly trying to reach him.
That's the easy part but this time, when we're back together, I'm going to slightly modify our behavior mode by being super casual "friends" so that then he's got to come up with the idea that hey, she's hot enough that something needs to move in this friend-texting business.

I absolutely know your vet is going to come back to you because that is how guys are---especially ones who respect that women can handle their own in crises situations and because you both have so much in common. Really. And because you keep giving him his much needed space, he is going to adore you even more because you're that non-clingy cool chick who can handle her own business with OR without him. He gets you because he understands your mentality on the job and that is what you need to do: Maintain you.

I hope that you stay in touch with me, sister, because it'd be really cool to share stories/insights with you.
 
@BJ, yeah, I have been known to say "I believe that I am more than a mere vessel for others' sexual con...

Huh?

I do that stuff and I’m a woman...

And I thought all women knew this so called “player” stuff anyway? (I wouldn’t call it insider knowledge.)

No?

Hmm.
 
Kudos to you. I'm rebuilding myself from a previous fundamental marriage where we didn't even touch prior to marriage (not even to hold hands) so dating is new to me outside orthodoxy.
 
I'm sad that this is how it has ended but proud of you for doing what is best for you. And yep - he may pop up again in the future when he thinks he is "better." But without actually dealing with the PTSD that's not going to happen. You don't get better on your own.

One word of caution from a sufferer. Caring for me as a person, but not someone I can have a relationship with, is confusing. My ability to see how people fit into my life can be pretty screwed up. Once people wander away/leave/bail I tend not to think about them again. But if you leave the door open for me to come back and you tell me you want me to stay in your life? I'm going to take that as I can come and go as I please and you will just hang out and wait for me. And when I pop back up and you have someone new? I'm going to take that as a huge betrayal

And yep -- I get that it makes no sense at all. All hail the fun filled life with ptsd. :banghead::banghead:

So while I love that you want to be there for him, I'd suggest making sure you and he are on the same page when it comes to having access to you.
 
@Freida
That makes sense what you said. Im still very in love and want to be with him. When we broke up last time i went on one date. Didnt date anyone, talk to anyone, was very loyal. So as soon as we met up at Christmas and got back together he was asking me how many dates I went on. I admitted the one date and how I cried as soon as it was over because I felt bad and missed him. He told me he only went on two. And throughout the few days he would try to ask a random question about my date and what the guy looked like. My vet is the most gorgeous thing Ive ever seen and I always tell him even though he doesn't believe it.
Im still loyal to him, dont even want to date or anything close. I want to work it out, but right now I dont want us to be added stress to him. So I back off but my feelings haven't changed. Im bitter, I want my way and us to be back. But I have learned this shouldnt be about us and lets see how we can get him back to where he wants to be. I dont know if he will come back and want us.
I kinda assume he will, because he has before and he trusts me. But whos to say. I never told him Im done with us. Only on here I have. I am very loyal and he knows that so I will still be here. We will just see how it goes. I wanna see this so called move actually happen first.
 
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