Relationship Moving on

dcb2410

Not Active
Silent treatment is cruel and abusive.

My ex partner has no insight into what she has done. Unfortunately the couple of people in her life from whom she doesn’t isolate simply enable the same behaviour. Her friend said she had no idea what happened in our relationship. Well maybe she should. Maybe friends should not just accept that someone in trauma is acting rationally. Maybe they should read about the efforts the supporter went to to provide reassurance and understanding

She will continue the same behaviour into the future. Cut people off when she can’t deal with stresses in her life.

These were her words below. And with the first stupid disagreement in our relationship which was me wanting to spend some time with her daughter on her birthday, she just runs. She says I know the future will throw curve balls but we can work through it. No she can’t. She can’t work through anything. I’m just the latest of a long list of people she has shut out of her life. These were empty words

Her words:
...I have never been so sure about anyone....I love you now and I will love you till my last breath...
<mod edit to remove bulk of direct quote>

I trusted her words. When she was upset I comforted her. When she had money problems I said we would sort them out. But when I expressed any needs it was just shit down and silence.

My counseller said her behaviour was bizarre. It is.

Thanks for the insight on this site. Time for me to move on and find someone who has some capacity to understand the impact of their behaviour on others and who doesn’t keep running away from the world.

All the best to the supporters here.
 
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dcb2410

Not Active
Don’t understand how someone simply discards someone they described as their soul mate and the person that gave them more love than they had in their entire life. But apparently that’s what people can do.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Sounds to me either a lot more was going on than you mention...

Or you just seriously aren't cut out for relationships where isolating or other long non-communication / out of comms is a factor.

That personal need is alright, and all the best to you.
But it's not, by default, cruelty, or malicious behavior.

Nor it's fair to run around, playing a victim.
 

dcb2410

Not Active
Had there been some form of communication or explanation of the issue then I could have. But it went from asking for my trust and loyalty one week to complete shut down the next. I sat and listened. I listened to her pain of her trauma. I really did. There are thousands of messages of love from her and then I just became dust and an annoyance.
 

dcb2410

Not Active
It’s not a question of being a victim. It’s a question of two adjusts being able to have a conversation about a misunderstanding. Being pushed and pulled takes a toll. It would on anyone.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
And you are *sure* this is about you?

Because following talking trauma?
Shutdowns are normal.

Not being mad at people.
Needing space.
Because the *trauma* is too much.

Closest parallel, one I'm not all that metaphoric about... disclosing trauma aftermath is a lot like being hit by a truck.
You're lucky you're out alive and in one piece. If you are.
You need help and are not able to ask for it, if worse.
It's a mess.

Feelings equivalent. And it gets debilitating. Like puking for weeks. Even on things you dealt with for decades. The cold sweats. The hot flushes fast change to freezing chills. The inability to remember... pretty much anything. The not able to stop reliving the thing. Associating every innocent word back to the pain. Emotional swings that sit you on your ass, panting. Inability to take a proper breath. Racing thoughts. No thoughts had.

And so much more, worse, and else.

To be able to even *say* You are an angel, I love you?
That's a person pushing themselves SO much.

Not shutting you out.
The opposite.
 
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dcb2410

Not Active
The talks about the trauma were not that recent. She has been through hell. I have no doubt about that. I didn’t walk away from my commitment to her. She just cut me off.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
It may be PTSD related, but that doesn’t make it any easier for the other partner who got blindsided. One minute happy, the next minute *poof* done. No matter what caused it, that’s still a pretty shitty way to treat somebody. It’s easier to process if the relationship was deteriorating before. It makes sense. This does not make sense to people outside PTSD world. There is a grieving process to all break ups... the confusion makes it harder to get that process going.

Him venting here is part of the process. He’s not playing a victim, he is pissed off and heartbroken. He’s working through that. This is the supporter section. That is what we do here.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
I know, @Sweetpea76, re: section.

My comment about victim was regarding the posted email, the simple: How you *read* it may be hurting you way more than what is *said*... As some things are perceptual, and can be seen differently.

Instead of read meant harm and conflict into it.

It wasn't meant to minimize the suffering of confusion. The opposite. Saying that grief can be changed with trying to look at issues differently.
 

dcb2410

Not Active
I appreciate Ronin’s comments. I’ve been through a lot in life as well and I know there are times when people can cope with no more but there was no drama in our relationship. She did say she was sick of drama in the days before our breakup but this related to stuff she had to deal with from her ex partner who passed away. She gave no indication at all, not once, that she has concerns about us. She had said quite the opposite the day before she dumped me cold. I’m an empathetic person. I’ve exhausted myself over the past 12 months helping others. Strangers who had been ripped off by a crook. I spent years volunteering with a suicide hotline. I have lived with depression myself. I go out of my way to help people who are homeless. I am a deeply caring giving person. Had I said something cruel I would understand. Had we not shared a relationship without any arguments I would understand. But it is utterly heartbreaking when you open your heart and are asked to do so by your partner, you trust, you listen and some utterly stupid small misunderstanding results in you being pushed away. She said every man in her life had hurt her apart from her dad who sadly passed away in tragic circumstances. But I didn’t let her down. I had made her part of my life and that of my parents. I reassured her when she was insecure. I sat and listened to her stresses. We had something special and it’s not right to run away at the first tiny hurdle when you have asked your partner to trust you. Saying I need a bit of space to work on things is one thing. Shutting down completely and expecting the person who you asked to trust you to just disappear without any proper explanation just isn’t right. PTSD or otherwise.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
I think you answered your why's right in your post, right here:

She did say she was sick of drama in the days before our breakup but this related to stuff she had to deal with from her ex partner who passed away. She gave no indication at all, not once, that she has concerns about us. She had said quite the opposite the day before she dumped me cold.

She said every man in her life had hurt her apart from her dad who sadly passed away in tragic circumstances.

Shutting down completely and expecting the person who you asked to trust you to just disappear without any proper explanation just isn’t right. PTSD or otherwise.

As in her ex partner was fresh dead. That does a heart in. Takes days to even click as real.

But no, that was not the only death... she also lost Dad in a tragic way before. So of course a myriad more griefs.

And then it all got too much and she tanked the relationship and left without a word and left you hanging in the wind.

I'm sorry for your loss. And the anguish. And the heart break. It also makes sense it, feelings wise, makes no sense.

Just saying the reasons are probably there... and have nothing to do with you being or doing wrong. Or 'deserving' it. It's not a punishment, it's a tragic crash of something dear with someone you cherish.

Sounds you got a lot on your plate, do you got people to help out with it and talk to?
 
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