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Mr. Hyde

Thread starter #1
I get this emotion sometimes, when I'm REALLY low and I'm usually giving into bad habits, where it's like this swirl of darkness and all the horrible emotions I feel. Anger, sadness, hatred, disappointment, it all hits me at once and usually how I deal with it to make it go away is self harm. Then it just keeps coming back and I keep self harming to get rid of it. It almost feels like my "dark side" if life were a superhero movie. Like Mr. Hyde. Like I'm a different person. I scream and act out, and if anyone offers to help me I push them away and act like a mean person. I hate feeling this way and want it to stop, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so I have to hurt myself. I can't keep being such a useless person, like I can't keep having to battle my emotions day in and day out. I have to find a job, get a job, somehow keep that job, and do all this other stuff. I don't have time to deal with my little stupid hissy fits.
 
#2
It's not a little thing if it leads to that massive dysreg, disturbs your relationships, and leads to self harm.

As in the opposite...
Job waits. Work waits.
Other adulting waits.

Not self harming & all that bad juju? Priority.

Was there a time you were onto spin to the dark hole, and balanced it out before you went there?

Or even midway in, lasted shorter, led to no or less harm, kinda thing?

There's also... you don't want to hurt anyone, but you *do* hurt someone.

You're someone.
So goal to not hurt anyone needs to include you, as well.
 
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Thread starter #3
Thank you for your response @Ronin . The times I don't spin all the way down is when I 1. don't drink at all 2. drop everything and just lay in bed and watch movies and such 3. disconnect from social media. I haven't been drinking so I won't fall all the way down. I also take extra CBD etc. and that helps as well. I just feel so guilty taking the time to lay in bed and do nothing, that the guilt propels me out of bed and makes me run and keep doing things until I get back in the black hole. I just can't do nothing no one is going to take care of me but myself.
 
#4
Yep. So don't drink at all & uphold that solid. Who & what supports you have in sobriety? Sounds you could definitely use help that is schooled both in drinking recovery & trauma.

It's not doing nothing.
It's giving your brain a chance to heal.
One desperately needed. In every sense of the word.

And yup. If social media overwhelm & throw you, unplug from them too. At least for a time.

Your safety comes before all of that.

Taking care of yourself means you do that... take *care*. Self harm & denying yourself rest and healing on any level is the opposite of that.
 
Thread starter #5
Thank you @Ronin

I just unplugged the social media for a while, and am going to focus on things that make me happy and feel safe. I still have until Tuesday to turn in my schoolwork so I can technically take a break on that. My job applications wouldn't sound too great right now if I tried them lol. I think I'm also panicking bc they'll be workers in my house remodeling soon. My routine isn't normal at all and it's even worse because of the pandemic and now I'll be trapped inside with random people I don't know. But that's next week I can focus on today.
 
#6
I just unplugged the social media for a while (...)

I'll be trapped inside with random people I don't know. But that's next week I can focus on today.
Well done, you :tup:

You know everything in your house... the guys will be new there. You won't be trapped with them, because you already have so many advantages just by knowing your space & everything in it.

Furthermore, they will likely be fast in and out. Not sticking around that long, maybe enough to annoy you but not enough to trap you. Just moving right along & quick out.

You anticipate danger. Meaning worst case scenario true? You are ready for it. If you are ready for something, again, advantage. Advantages mean trap openings, and trap openings mean the trap did f*ck all job :sneaky:

Waay more likely scenario?
These people indeed mind just their remodelling job. Way more interested in if they got the right tools or crap, over minding corona forgot screwdrivers at home a few mi away. :facepalm: :bored:

Things like that.
Most people first priority, or any priority really, really isn't assaulting other people... it's doing the mundane things they are paid for & going home to their wives & husbands & kids, or a footy game, or whatever.

And that's just assuming who shows up is guys.

For all I know it can be women where one will fix whichever they come to and other while fixing it will chat you up about how loovely place you get, wouldn't change a thing here, awesome style and decorations, dig your fashion too, and the sense of space here is just so airy...

Or anything.
Small talk, peaceful, comfortable, cute, professional, enjoyable. Good memory. Not a horror flick experience. ;)
 
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Thread starter #8
I did slightly better yesterday, but today woke up anxious. Then I had to call CVS for a refill and they hung up on me!! I was so upset, but I calmed myself down. I only have to call them to make sure they don't mess it up, like they have for months. And then they hang up on me. It's so upsetting. But I calmed down.

Last night I almost relapsed because of something about my appearance causing dysphoria. I ended up fixing it, but it was another emotional rollercoaster. I'm so tired of having this brain.
 
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