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My 3 Year Old Nephew Has Died, Followed By A Father Figure

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I have not been here in forever. I was doing okay. I felt like I had gotten a grip on my situation and was moving forward. I realize, and I understand that PTSD is forever essentially and you learn how to live with it in the most positive way possible. I have a good open understanding now of what I have to deal with and the extra strength mentality that I will forever have to possess in order to live a successful and healthy life.

But recently, there was a massive tragedy in my life. And I cannot seem to get myself into that place right now. The tears and fears are flowing and it's just awful. It's made national news. They are using it as an example of pool safety.

The thing that makes it harder to deal with, is the situation that occurred prior to the accident. I was visiting family in Chicago in May. My two sisters and I were suppose to drive back to North Carolina together- they have never seen my new home here. The thing is my younger sister and I have always been super close. My older sister has kind of been alienated. All because of our past together, and things that have transpired between the older and younger sisters through the years. I have always been the "glue" between the two, but my older sister holds that against me. I don't know why but I accept that burden.

The night we were supposed to leave to come down here, I woke up my younger sister to leave and she flipped out in a completely irrational way. She just LOST it. She was screaming at me, making up stories about how I put my hands on her and was using profanity which is just NONSENSE! I simply woke her up! She created the biggest scene I've seen since childhood and I'm 31... It was a 2 day issue and she just stormed out. Her boys were going to stay with her in-laws while we were gone... So that's where they were that night.

She left me and my older sister stranded- and took her two boys, a 3 year old and a 7 month old, and went back to Colorado. We never got to say goodbye to them. Never got to hug and kiss and squeeze them and say I love you. She just stormed off. We haven't spoken since.

I was back home over the 4th of July week to stand as the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding on July 5th. It was beautiful and so much fun. I sang my speech! It was a lovely time, and I got see my older sister and parents- it was great.

July 7th we left to come back to North Carolina, where I am opening a salon and things are very, very new and exciting. I was driving the first half.

Just before we got to Kentucky, my boyfriend woke up and noticed there were 12 or so missed calls from my family. He was sleeping, I was driving and the music was blaring so we never heard the vibrations. As we were about to call to see what was going on my older sister rang through and handed my father the phone.

He made me pull over.

He told me that my little sister, unknown to any of us was in town visiting her in-laws. Apparently my nephew, the 3 year old, had wandered out of the house very early in the morning and was discovered missing for several hours.

He was discovered in my her in-law's neighbor's in ground pool. He was dead. He'd been in there for hours. My baby nephew, dead. Floating in the water as the owners of the house ate breakfast just inside, in front of the f*cking pool.

We didn't even know they were there.

I guess her husband was out drinking until 6am. She was up until 5am helping that boy through a nightmare. In the morning, her mother in law said she didn't want to bother Nathan since she knew he was up all night, so she didn't check on him. Instead she took Ryan, the 7 month old, to the barn with her to feed the animals. When she returned she thought it was odd Nathan wasn't up yet so she decided to peek on him. That's when she noticed he wasn't there.

For the record, Nathan was notorious for mischief and his ability to figure out how to open locks, doors and climb things to get where he wanted to go. He climbed my parents fence in 3.5 seconds right in front of us- he was FAST! He was only 3, but he was the size of a 5 to 6 year old, his parents are both very tall... So it's understandable how this happened- he was a sneaky little bugger!

I've left messages with my therapist but he won't call me back... I don't know what to do. I've recently begun having nightmares about him drowning, and how that would have looked, or felt like for him. I can't stop losing it.

His funeral was on a Saturday. I had to come home that Sunday to get back to work on my new salon.

That Wednesday I got a phone call that my brother's father, someone who was just as much a father to me in many, many ways had a heart attack in his semi-truck and died. Not but 4 days after my nephew's funeral. So I had to fly back and do that.

I've been home again now for a few days and the mornings/afternoons are tolerable but the evenings... Well I just can't handle the night. I think too much. I wonder too much. I feel too much.

My nephew was obsessed with strawberries. He LOVED strawberries!! I bought my sister's in-laws, my parents, my older sister and myself a strawberry plant in his honor. My little sister didn't want one yet. She was afraid of killing it in travel and being in the desert.

Anyway. Not sure what the point of this post is. I don't feel better but my fingers are busy and that's good I suppose. If you have anything to offer in the way of how to help move forward- I am desperate for the advice. I know I can handle this because I have no choice, but I feel like I can't. And frankly I'm not sure I want to. I'm afraid to move on and forget that baby. I cannot wrap my head around it, and I fight the draw to be pissed off at my sister, her husband and his parents because it's not their fault. But it sure feels easy to do... I mean, I'm sure you can understand. It's no one's fault. But in retrospect there are things that could have and should have been done differently.
I'm so sorry for your loss! The whole thing brought me to tears so I can't even begin to imagine your pain! I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you are able to see your therapist soon to start to try and heal!

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