my abuse will never go away, I want to die

dontknowanymore

Not Active
im an 18 yr old twice exceptional girl with autism. when I was 13 I started posting comedy skits online under a random username, it was something that gave me confidence and people praised me for the skits. people assumed I had someone writing them since I was young yet the sense of humor was developed, and I was also into videography so I would do the whole thing myself and people thought it was professionally made. it was really fun and I even got interviewed by art journals at the time because of it. but it brought too much attention to me because I had a big youtube channel for it. one day this guy threatened to release my real name and address, and get my parents fired from their jobs, if I didn't send him naked photos and videos. I was scared so I did it. I didn't realize until last year that he had immediately posted the naked photos and videos, along with my real name and address all over underground pedophilia forums and that those had been out there this whole time. But in the mean time, when I was 14 a guy pretending to be a local comedian and met up with me, and sexually abused me many times and created child pornography of me. I was confused and scared so I didn't tell anyone and kept seeing him. When the guy got arrested it was a big news story where I got blamed by tens of thousand people on the internet, and people created all these massive hate campaigns against me. it was turned into a "youtuber drama" type of thing, where they released all the details of my abuse, doxxed me, and made it sound like a scandal where I had "been a bad kid" instead of a child getting raped. I was only 14 and had 30 year old male youtubers casually talking about me getting raped as if it were my fault, telling their fans to shame me, and giving out details like where I live and explicit details of my abuse as if it were just harmless discussion. After people gave all my information out I started getting stalked a lot for the next 4 years. the pain really never goes away. I've tried dozens of psych meds, EMDR, TMS, and the only thing left seems to be ECT which doesn't look promising based on the success rates. treatments have been complicated and largely unhelpful due to having cooccurring disorders, like my autism. I can't live like this
 
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EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
There are actually a number of treatments to try before ECT. Of course I don’t know where you live, so this will affect what kinds of treatments are available to you.

They say ECT is safe, but I haven’t met anyone who has tried it and not had significant memory loss. (Real life people, I’m not talking about internet friends.)
 

dontknowanymore

Not Active
There are actually a number of treatments to try before ECT. Of course I don’t know where you live, so this will affect what kinds of treatments are available to you.

They say ECT is safe, but I haven’t met anyone who has tried it and not had significant memory loss. (Real life people, I’m not talking about internet friends.)
I live somewhere that I was also able to do ketamine therapy and psilocybin therapy. psilocybin therapy was helpful at first then did nothing after time. and nothing else helped. I have not done any of the other things mentioned right before you, unless I did them other different names and dont know. and you're right, ECT does not seem promising
 

dontknowanymore

Not Active
Hi, @dontknowanymore - I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you.

Do you have anyone in your life you can talk with about how bad you are feeling right now?
no I don't have anyone in my life no friends, or even acquaintances, i only have one family member in my country ( the one who I live with currently ) but they're very dismissive of my problems
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm so sorry all that happened to you @dontknowanymore .
When I was abused, it was also public. In that the first person who did it, told everyone in the school and that I did it voluntarily. This meant I was bullied for what happened and that others treated me the same, and I believed I was worthless and it was all my fault. That was pre internet, so different to your situation. But I understand the emotional pain of dealing with what happened and then that being public and the backlash and blame you get for it. It's a whole other trauma to deal with. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that being on the internet. It is so wrong you have to go through that.

But you can deal with it. It does get better.

Are you in therapy? Do you need to reach out to a mental health professional about how you are feeling?
 
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