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My abuser contacted my therapist - considering seeing a new therapist

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Sweetleaf

MyPTSD Pro
I will start off some backstory.

My therapist is someone my mom has known since I was a kid - that's how I even got set up with her. She's qualified, specialized in trauma and addiction mainly, and does EMDR. She also gives me therapy for free, which is massively helpful to me, because it saves me the stress of trying to either pay out of pocket, or see what medicaid can do for me (which I doubt is going to be very good, but I need to look into it)

My abuser used to see my therapist, long ago. It's because of me (and my mom) that he even started seeing her. This was all long before I saw her. I wanted him to get help for his depression and all his other issues. It didn't do shit, he hated her, and he quit going after a while. Now that I know her myself, I know that a lot of the shit he would say about her was just psycho crazy person bullshit, just him coming up with reasons to hate everyone and everything and never improve.

I was kind of reluctant to see my T in the first place, just because he saw her. But, I was desperate, and she has been helpful.

Last session though, she told me that he had emailed her, and actually read the email to me, to try to ease my fears about him - that was intensely triggering to hear be read - this his hard to even type. The whole email was just really f*cking weird - it was like, he sent it to just say things, and wasn't even asking for anything. I am not even going to really go into the content at all, because it's too triggering to talk about, but the reason she read it to me: he said in it, that he had gotten a job and was planning on moving out of state - which I don't really think he can pull off, because he's too f*cking crazy and anxious and just... that's not shit that I think he can pull off on his own. I don't know if he has a new victim yet or not, but, seeing as he seems to have a place to live and a job and all of that, I would assume he has started manipulating and abusing other people.

My therapist was just trying to help me but... it didn't get rid of any of my fears, and it only gave me more fears, and more worries. I feel unsafe thinking about seeing her, because I know that he can just contact her whenever he wants. She won't respond, and didn't, but, I don't even know what to say, or how to express how I'm feeling right now - I just don't want to interact with her, purely because she knew him, he knows her, he knows how to contact her.

I want to get a therapist who has absolutely f*cking nothing to do with him. Like, f*cking nothing. I want a fresh start, this is starting to feel too unsafe. I don't like that she knew him. Is that wrong? Am I wrong for wanting to not see my therapist anymore? Is it okay that I feel too unsafe to want to see her anymore, and I want to try finding a new source of therapy, even if it'll be hard? Am I being unreasonable? I just want to wash my hands of it all. I want to have a t who has -never- communicated with that f*cking manipulative psycho.

I have sweaty palms and I'm so shaky right now. I see her tomorrow. I don't know what to do really. It REALLY bothers me that he contacted her, and that he can contact her, and that he has known her and all of that. It really bothers me that he's said all sorts of crazy shit to her. It really just bothers me so much.

I don't know what to do about all this :(
 
I don't think you're wrong for wanting to see a new therapist, but I think you're missing the bigger problem in this scenario...

If she's willing to read an e-mail he sent her to you (totally unethical) maybe not a breach of hipaa laws, because technically he's not a patient, but still unethical as f*ck, what other unethical bullshit is she willing to do?

She's seeing you for free, through your mother, the whole situation just reeks of unethical practice.

I would run... run like hell... until you get somewhere that feels right (and safe)

This is just my own personal opinion (I have been known to be call paranoid in the past)
 
If she's willing to read an e-mail he sent her to you (totally unethical) maybe not a breach of hipaa laws, because technically he's not a patient, but still unethical as f*ck, what other unethical bullshit is she willing to do?

Yeah, I have thought of that, too.

I also don't exactly like how she handles some of my problems. It's like she doesn't view them as that big of problems, and sometimes it's hard to explain to her how things are making me feel.

It's just I don't know what to do. I don't really want to even go see her tomorrow. Yet I feel afraid of canceling and telling her that I don't want therapy from her anymore, and why. Ugh.

Maybe I will just go see my t tomorrow anyway, and then ask my pdoc if she knows anyone different who she could set me up with, on wednesday, when I see her? I don't feel like I can really open up or get helped by my current T anymore, though. So going and seeing her almost seems pointless.

aaaaa i hate this
 
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, @Sweetleaf. Have you communicated to your therapist how you are feeling about him contacting her?

Feeling unsafe and upset with the idea that she knew him don't sound at all unreasonable to me. I personally would avoid a connection with a therapist who knew anyone in my family; I did that once and she dropped me at a very vulnerable time because she said she had thought about it and decided it was a conflict of interests. But that's me. I don't like even the thought of maybe including my non-abuser in session.

Wondering if you should talk it over with her first before you decide to terminate since you really like her and she's helped?
 
Yeah I think you are right. I really just want to wash my hands of it all. I just don't know what the right way to go about that will be.

Do you mean, the right way to go about terminating with her?

I'd just meet with her, lay out my concerns, and tell her you've thought about it and decided that it would be in your best interests to find someone new/not connected with anyone you know.
 
Do you mean, the right way to go about terminating with her?
Yeah. Your suggestion sounds like a good idea, I'm just really stressed about bringing it up. I'm also afraid of her trying to convince me not to stop therapy - though I don't see what she'd have to gain from it lmao. It's not like I pay her. I also feel bad going basically like "Hey thanks for the free therapy but I don't want it anymore bye"

But, it doesn't feel right for me. Having no therapy sucks, but I don't think having therapy with her is going to be helpful anymore. I might have to go without therapy for a while until I can get something new figured out, which is kind of scary to think about considering how things were when I wasn't having any for a few weeks. But I actually feel scared of seeing my therapist and talking to her about things, and being vulnerable around her :( so there isn't much point in seeing her anymore.

There are the ethical concerns too. Ooh, and another reason I don't want to see her anymore - I can't bring myself to tell her about the childhood sexual abuse that happened to me because she knew my family. I just can't do it.

I have kind of had this all bothering me for a while, so I don't really think that it'll go away. It's just exploded because of the him-sending-her-an-email thing.
 
Wow, I'm massive surprised she even read it to you.

But I suppose she really did think it would help -- but it seems wildly inappropriate to me anyway. Maybe that's just me...?

I don't like that she knew him. Is that wrong? Am I wrong for wanting to not see my therapist anymore? Is it okay that I feel too unsafe to want to see her anymore, and I want to try finding a new source of therapy, even if it'll be hard? Am I being unreasonable? I just want to wash my hands of it all. I want to have a t who has -never- communicated with that f*cking manipulative psycho.

When I broke up with my ex, I asked my therapist right away after seeing her whether she was seeing my ex as a client or not. The reason was because I knew that if she was seeing brandi as well, then it would be likely that I wouldn't be able to talk about her, or feel safe doing so. I worried my therapist would think I was lying, was evil, or that I would even be hurting brandi.

My therapist had already seen almost all of my siblings, so the last bit would be too much.

But, my therapist told me first that she wouldn't be allowed to tell me who her clients were. Then, she told me that Brandi was not one of them.

That was good -- it meant there would be no communication.

So, from my perspective, you have every right to feel how you feel. I don't think the question is whether or not it's wrong, because it isn't, but instead I think this has more to do with your comfort. And, why you're feeling this way.

I wouldn't necessarily give up my therapist at this point, just because I do feel she means well and she seems to want to comfort you. However, if you talk to her about this and still feel unsafe, then you might have a hard time healing in this environment. So, if you do need to even temporarily switch therapists? Maybe you could ask her her thoughts and she how she can help you.

Hugs
 
I'm sorry this is happening, its terrible really.
I'm just going to point out a few things that seem to me highly dysfunctional in this therapy relationship..

1. Conflict of interest, she knows your abuser, and your mom. She really shouldn't take you on as a client in the first place.
2. Like Florian said, unethical to read that email to you.
3. Plus, what was she hoping to accomplish with that? She could've just said she knew he was moving out of state, there was no need to trigger you.
4. I've had free therapy before, you need to see if she's trying to help or control the situation.
5. Not healthy therapeutic relationship with all the above issues. I wouldn't see a way out for myself. I've stopped therapy for way less. Also, a therapist needs to be empathic but neutral, she seems to be all over the place. How can you build trust if she is exchanging emails with your abuser? You're absolutely right to be upset.
I'm very upset by this and I hardly know you..

Take care of yourself. You will find a solution.
Hug
 
My therapist was just trying to help me but... it didn't get rid of any of my fears, and it only gave me more fears, and more worries.
Yea --- I'm confused by this too. I think an explanation is in order from her

know that he can just contact her whenever he wants
Yes -- and that is scary. But his contacting her is between him and her. It shouldn't have anything to do with you.

but I don't think having therapy with her is going to be helpful anymore. I
Tell her that. I'm wondering if part of the problem is she is to close to the situation. You've known her since you were a kid, your family knows her, the ex knows her. It might be hard for her to step back and see where you truly are. Which might be why she read the email to you --- because she knows you so well she forgot you are supposed to be having a professional relationship.

So, if you do need to even temporarily switch therapists? Maybe you could ask her her thoughts and she how she can help you.
I like this idea....
 
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