Sweetleaf
MyPTSD Pro
I will start off some backstory.
My therapist is someone my mom has known since I was a kid - that's how I even got set up with her. She's qualified, specialized in trauma and addiction mainly, and does EMDR. She also gives me therapy for free, which is massively helpful to me, because it saves me the stress of trying to either pay out of pocket, or see what medicaid can do for me (which I doubt is going to be very good, but I need to look into it)
My abuser used to see my therapist, long ago. It's because of me (and my mom) that he even started seeing her. This was all long before I saw her. I wanted him to get help for his depression and all his other issues. It didn't do shit, he hated her, and he quit going after a while. Now that I know her myself, I know that a lot of the shit he would say about her was just psycho crazy person bullshit, just him coming up with reasons to hate everyone and everything and never improve.
I was kind of reluctant to see my T in the first place, just because he saw her. But, I was desperate, and she has been helpful.
Last session though, she told me that he had emailed her, and actually read the email to me, to try to ease my fears about him - that was intensely triggering to hear be read - this his hard to even type. The whole email was just really f*cking weird - it was like, he sent it to just say things, and wasn't even asking for anything. I am not even going to really go into the content at all, because it's too triggering to talk about, but the reason she read it to me: he said in it, that he had gotten a job and was planning on moving out of state - which I don't really think he can pull off, because he's too f*cking crazy and anxious and just... that's not shit that I think he can pull off on his own. I don't know if he has a new victim yet or not, but, seeing as he seems to have a place to live and a job and all of that, I would assume he has started manipulating and abusing other people.
My therapist was just trying to help me but... it didn't get rid of any of my fears, and it only gave me more fears, and more worries. I feel unsafe thinking about seeing her, because I know that he can just contact her whenever he wants. She won't respond, and didn't, but, I don't even know what to say, or how to express how I'm feeling right now - I just don't want to interact with her, purely because she knew him, he knows her, he knows how to contact her.
I want to get a therapist who has absolutely f*cking nothing to do with him. Like, f*cking nothing. I want a fresh start, this is starting to feel too unsafe. I don't like that she knew him. Is that wrong? Am I wrong for wanting to not see my therapist anymore? Is it okay that I feel too unsafe to want to see her anymore, and I want to try finding a new source of therapy, even if it'll be hard? Am I being unreasonable? I just want to wash my hands of it all. I want to have a t who has -never- communicated with that f*cking manipulative psycho.
I have sweaty palms and I'm so shaky right now. I see her tomorrow. I don't know what to do really. It REALLY bothers me that he contacted her, and that he can contact her, and that he has known her and all of that. It really bothers me that he's said all sorts of crazy shit to her. It really just bothers me so much.
I don't know what to do about all this :(
My therapist is someone my mom has known since I was a kid - that's how I even got set up with her. She's qualified, specialized in trauma and addiction mainly, and does EMDR. She also gives me therapy for free, which is massively helpful to me, because it saves me the stress of trying to either pay out of pocket, or see what medicaid can do for me (which I doubt is going to be very good, but I need to look into it)
My abuser used to see my therapist, long ago. It's because of me (and my mom) that he even started seeing her. This was all long before I saw her. I wanted him to get help for his depression and all his other issues. It didn't do shit, he hated her, and he quit going after a while. Now that I know her myself, I know that a lot of the shit he would say about her was just psycho crazy person bullshit, just him coming up with reasons to hate everyone and everything and never improve.
I was kind of reluctant to see my T in the first place, just because he saw her. But, I was desperate, and she has been helpful.
Last session though, she told me that he had emailed her, and actually read the email to me, to try to ease my fears about him - that was intensely triggering to hear be read - this his hard to even type. The whole email was just really f*cking weird - it was like, he sent it to just say things, and wasn't even asking for anything. I am not even going to really go into the content at all, because it's too triggering to talk about, but the reason she read it to me: he said in it, that he had gotten a job and was planning on moving out of state - which I don't really think he can pull off, because he's too f*cking crazy and anxious and just... that's not shit that I think he can pull off on his own. I don't know if he has a new victim yet or not, but, seeing as he seems to have a place to live and a job and all of that, I would assume he has started manipulating and abusing other people.
My therapist was just trying to help me but... it didn't get rid of any of my fears, and it only gave me more fears, and more worries. I feel unsafe thinking about seeing her, because I know that he can just contact her whenever he wants. She won't respond, and didn't, but, I don't even know what to say, or how to express how I'm feeling right now - I just don't want to interact with her, purely because she knew him, he knows her, he knows how to contact her.
I want to get a therapist who has absolutely f*cking nothing to do with him. Like, f*cking nothing. I want a fresh start, this is starting to feel too unsafe. I don't like that she knew him. Is that wrong? Am I wrong for wanting to not see my therapist anymore? Is it okay that I feel too unsafe to want to see her anymore, and I want to try finding a new source of therapy, even if it'll be hard? Am I being unreasonable? I just want to wash my hands of it all. I want to have a t who has -never- communicated with that f*cking manipulative psycho.
I have sweaty palms and I'm so shaky right now. I see her tomorrow. I don't know what to do really. It REALLY bothers me that he contacted her, and that he can contact her, and that he has known her and all of that. It really bothers me that he's said all sorts of crazy shit to her. It really just bothers me so much.
I don't know what to do about all this :(