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My abuser doesnt know he abused me (?)

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by alfa, May 6, 2018.

  1. alfa

    alfa Member

    I was taken advantage of by a neighbor boy who was 4 years older than me back when I was 9. He has epilepsy and perhaps other special needs - i never bothered to ask - and I honestly don't think he remembers ever making me do or see anything horrible.
    I'm very good friends with his sister and wound up getting a ride home from her parents. To my surprise, the guy was there! I literally wanted to throw up the whole drive and could not speak. But he was acting as if nothing happened. I honestly think that he doesn't remember doing anything to me (since of course I'd remember, due to it traumatizing me, but maybe not him).
    He's 19 years old now. Should the fact that he was also a minor at the time and had special needs affect the way I look at the past? Do I forgive and forget? I feel sick. Ugh.
    Mach123 likes this.
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  3. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

    No, you were abused, period.

    Idk what your trauma was, but it seems that essentially you’re asking us if abuse doesn’t count if your perpetrator has special needs. It does.

    Tell your parents.

    Stay away from this guy.

    I’d stay away from his whole family. (You can find new friends.)
    Sietz likes this.
  4. Still Standing

    Still Standing I'm a VIP

    Well, first of all, just because he acted like nothing was wrong or happened, does not mean he does not remember. The best ploy is to act normal, giving no indication that anything is wrong or out of place. That makes the other party second guess what is going on in a situation like what you experienced....the other party being you. Odds are the kid remembers quite well what happened. Forgiving and/or forgetting is up to you but I doubt that you will forget. If I were you I would confide with your folks what happened when you were 9. You need to have someone help you deal with the emotional fallout from the violation. Seeing a therapist who deals with trauma would be good for you.
    AliciaEff, Muttly, Mee and 1 other person like this.
  5. Chris-duck

    Chris-duck Active Member

    I agree that he probably does remember but it's pretty common to act normal, especially since his parents seem to have also been in the car. But none of us can really make assumptions on how he remembers it. But whether he remembers or doesn't or feels bad or not it doesn't have to affect your recovery. You know what has happened and whether he acknowledges it or not doesn't take that away. No factors need to affect how you look at the past, it shouldn't have happened to you regardless. Take care.
  6. Zoogal

    Zoogal I'm a VIP

    Eplisepsy as an excuse? I work with two people with it. One is physically slower than others but other than that they are just like everybody else. He knew what he was doing.
    Still Standing likes this.
  7. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

    If he doesn’t remember it it also Doesn’t Male others safer. I am not saying that is Your responsibility at all but that people know of your abuse might help.

    However; I have not heard many stories, some, but not many, where the abusers say ‘ I did this’. They justify, rationalise, pretend they didn’t andjust deny. The ones that own up and face they maybe were ill advised, I’ll exucated, selfish, over keen or just goddamn it wrong .... I actually feel ‘safer’ about .

    How YOU feel about it is up to you. You were still just as much a victim.
    Zoogal likes this.
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