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My boyfriend hit me again and I left him

Thread starter #1
He hit me for the third time and I said enough. He hit me during sex. He hit me between the legs. This triggered my physical abuse and my sexual abuse. After the second time he told me that he would never do it again. He said that he hit me because his ex girlfriend liked being hit there during sex. Of course I said well you lied to me, you said that you never hit a woman. He said she asked for it so it did not count. Yes, it did count. The whole relationship was built on a lie. I don’t think I can go through this again. I can’t spend years getting to know someone only to learn that they lied to me from day one. Last time this happened (different ex who lied about something else important) it was at one month in. I can’t do this again. I don’t feel safe. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life is tearing me apart. I am pretty sure he already has someone else, so when I cry, I just think of this and it reminds me that he cared so little about me that he found someone else right away, and somehow I feel better knowing that I meant nothing to him. It lets me let go and not hold on to the pain so much. I am so ashamed that it took me almost 2 years to spot an abuser.

Some of his last words to me? You owe me the $XXX I paid to get your car fixed. It was a gift and I refused multiple times before accepting. I knew he would demand it back like he demanded all of his gifts back. He was so cruel to me. Every gift he demanded back at some point. At least I saved the texts saying it was a gift.

I am in so much pain. My good for nothing therapist hasn’t seen me in a month because for some reason she has an “emergency” every Tuesday. The front desk won’t give me an appointment later in the week because they say I can wait until my appointment the following Tuesday. This has been going on for a month.

I just hurt so much. I have nowhere to go for support.
 
#2
Damn, so sorry he hurt you, Eve...

Can you report that to police or seek a DV shelter / battered women services where you are? Would that be an option?

Are you currently physically hurt / in danger ? And do you have an access to medical care?

Also, is changing the therapist an option? I know they are rather busy these days but yours is an actual emergency that *does* rate the care, in my view.

So proud of you for leaving his ass though. Well done, you go gurl :tup:

Gentle care to you and hope you can be and stay safe.
 
#3
Good for you for leaving. It is hard to leave an abuser for multiple reasons. Maybe you could talk to the office manager where your therapist is and show her how many times you've been canceled, without a makeup appt. That is NOT ok. You deserve a therapist who is there and present. You've worked hard on your recovery, you deserve a good therapist.

Try to remember his behavior is not about who you are, it's about him being an ass.
 
#4
Hi Eve. We've not spoke before but i've read many of your posts. It's obvious how hard you've worked on your recovery, and i'm so sorry that this man has hurt you (in so many ways).

I'm a supporter here, not a sufferer. But many years ago I endured an abusive relationship for five years. It was 100% emotional and psychological abuse until the very last night, when he attacked me with a pair of scissors. The strange thing was, until that last night, I knew i was bitterly unhappy but i did nothing about it. On that last night, I saw him for who he really was. And despite my fear and pain, I felt freed.

It takes time of course to pick yourself back up. And in my experience it's not linear. But you will be OK. You will trust again. Not every man is a liar and a bully. You are strong. You've had to be, i'm sure. But you're free now.

I hope the pain passes soon. He is the loser. You are the winner. Take care of yourself.
 
#5
I am so ashamed that it took me almost 2 years to spot an abuser.
There's no shame at all in taking someone at their word. None at all. And when the truth became clear, you put your safety first. You did the right thing - no shame necessary.

The thought of being alone for the rest of my life is tearing me apart.
One day at a time. This arsehat out of your life leaves space for better quality folk. When you're ready.

You won't be alone forever - being alone for a while till the hurt subsides doesn't mean you'll be alone forever. It just means you're taking care of you right now, which is just how it should be.

Stay safe.
 
#6
The thought of being alone for the rest of my life is tearing me apart. .........somehow I feel better knowing that I meant nothing to him. It lets me let go and not hold on to the pain so much. I am so ashamed that it took me almost 2 years to spot an abuser.
Eve, I am so sorry!

2 years? I dated one for nearly 5 then married him! Isn't it a strange thing that we feel ashamed for their horrid behavior?! When I hear you say this I am indignant for you but when it was me...I felt humiliated. I do believe now that those are "old tapes" and programming kicking in and I see that now so it helps.

It is disturbing how they move on. Eerie. I am glad for my ability to feel loss and pain. Maybe that is the price of respect and empathy. My ex used to look at me in amazement when I would double over with laughter...he said he could never feel that way. Perhaps that is part of why they need to snuff it out in others? I stopped laughing like that after we married.

Forget the being alone, don't let your mind wander that way, bring it back to now. You, I don't know the future and I do think there is something to being in abuse that makes things feel more catastrophic, more scary, greater loss. Maybe that is the PTSD echoing?

I am now living my "worst nightmare". I am alone, probably will be now. I didn't get family and lost my life, career, survived nearly 2 decades of abuse. I used to be so terrified of my now and here I am and it is ok. It is fun some days. It is MUCH better than what I had with him. I do not regret leaving, I did at first but once the shock wore off, I haven't regretted it since.

And my "nightmare" today is far happier than I was all of those years.

Hang on it will get better, take care of yourself now and give it some time.

Whirlwind
 
#7
I don’t think I can go through this again. I can’t spend years getting to know someone only to learn that they lied to me from day one. Last time this happened (different ex who lied about something else important) it was at one month in. I can’t do this again. I don’t feel safe. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life is tearing me apart.
Perhaps something a little less black and white?

Instead of making a decision about how you’re going to live the whole goshdurn rest of your life, whilst smack dab in the middle of the pain of a new breakup... give yourself 2 years?

Less an arbitrary time limit, than statistics. At the 2 year point (of being single/not dating) roughly half of women coming out of abusive relationships go on to have healthy relationships. At 5 years, virtually all women go on to have healthy relationships. But 2 years on your own would give you some good time/distance to decide whether you want to push on for another 1-3 years alone before revisiting the decision to stay single or date. <<< These numbers are technically for women leaving abusive marriages, the numbers wiggle around a bit for abusive dating (Which can be as little as a week here, a month there. A couple years in you know the difference between that and this), and women vs men, and whether or not there are children involved. You can look up the precise numbers for your specific situation via domestic violence stats, these ones I know by heart because they’re my own. Less than 2 years single virtually all women simply continue to get Right back into & out of abusive relationships / continuing the cycle; @2 years it splits, and half of women drop back into abusive relationships, whilst half move onto healthy ones; and at 5 years virtually all women are choosing healthy relationships & partners from then on out.

Deciding to be on your own for 2 years is maaaaaaybe a little less overwhelming than deciding to be on your own for the next 75 years give or take? Hell. For some people the prospect may even be exciting, a 2 year vacation to work solely on yourself and your own life and building it into something extraordinary. For me, I was more in the chewing-on-furniture camp ;) But I hadn’t been single for more than a week or three since I was 17.

One of the interesting things in being deliberately single is noting my own choices. Men I’d cheerfully f*ck around with? My instincts are still good, there. Watching them -platonically- for a few years changes my initial impression of them not at all. But men I’d date? Wowza. Have THOSE standards shifted around like crazy. :confused: What’s most relieving is that watching those men platonically??? The first couple years was like watching a parade of assholes. The better I got to know them, the more I was disgusted with them. After a couple of years it split. About half the guys I got sprung for we’re still assholes of the eeew icky variety, and the other half my respect & liking for them has only grown over time. Once I got to THAT point, is when I seriously considered dating, again. Once I knew my judgement wasn’t entirely f*cked. Got it really did take a couple/few years before my judgment started to realign with my standards.
 
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#8
At the 2 year point (of being single/not dating) roughly half of women coming out of abusive relationships go on to have healthy relationships. At 5 years, virtually all women go on to have healthy relationships.
That is a wonderful optimistic stat to hear :-)

I do think if we give ourselves time and work on healing we can have a happy healthy life. We are not broken. I had a healthy LT before my abusive so it isn't inevitable. I believe I could have one again it is just that I am older now so less options and interest, LOL

-W
 
#10
I'm really really glad you are out of that situation, Eve. You are very brave to have left and have done a great thing for yourself and your future by doing so.
Less an arbitrary time limit, than statistics. At the 2 year point (of being single/not dating) roughly half of women coming out of abusive relationships go on to have healthy relationships.
Yep.

I left my abuser in early/mid Dec 2017 and started my now healthy relationship at the end of Sept 2019.

Eve, I know how hard it must be feeling right now. Back when I left, and for a long while after, I couldn't forsee how a healthy relationship would happen for me. It seemed to be something that only happened to other people.

I had a lot of people hold that hope for me because I couldn't do it myself back then, so now I do the same for you.

Take good care of you. You are deserving of many beautiful things.
 

Lumos

MyPTSD Pro
#12
It's a good thing you're rid of him.

I don't believe him that his ex 'liked' that. Not one bit. Think he is just an abusive ****.

Take good care of yourself, do plenty things that relax you and make you happy. It'll take time but you'll heal and there are definitely decent men who wouldn't hurt you out there.
 
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