My boyfriend is spiking up my CPTSD symptoms :(

Mori

New Here
For some background on me: I was neglected growing up by my mother, who trafficked me sexually for access to drugs when she did pay attention to me. She eventually abandoned me when I was 11 and dumped me at my grandmother's house when I became less useful to her. Because of this, I have never felt like a member of society, and I have never felt like I had a family or anyone to rely on. I never had a chance not to be an outcast and I was completely divorced from any experience of a family. It's not how you grow up to be an emotionally healthy person.

Because of this I get really triggered and upset when my boyfriend goes on trips with his family or does things with his family that exclude me. He went on a trip with them - I've never been able to go on a trip with my family - and my abandonment issues and jealousy flared up so badly I tried to hurt myself. I cannot handle this anymore because it reminds me of the abuse I went through for a decade.

He also went to early college orientation recently with his mother and it reminds me of how my mom saved up NOTHING for me to go to college. How do I stop making everything about myself? I want to support him and I want to be happy for him but I am still grieving over every opportunity I didn't have.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry that happened to you. It shouldn't have and it's understandable how you feel now.

Do you have a therapist?

It's really hard being triggered. It's so overwhelming, it's hard to see another way.

Is there some counter words when you feel like that that might help?
Or activities you can do to keep your mind occupied?
 

AnD

MyPTSD Pro
All of your emotions are fully valid and allowed.
It is very understandable that you feel abandoned and left out and an outcast. Hell, I didn't even used to think I was human.

I think it is important that you allow yourself to feel without judgement but then decide how to act. Just because you feel angry doesn't mean you have to act angry, right?

Look into ACT or DBT to learn how to emotionally regulate.

One thing that has helped me massively is to write down my fears every morning and night and somehow releasing them by doing that. Read more here, it is for free: The Daily Practice
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
It’s very sweet and sensitive of you to be trying hard for the people you care about.
I knew that I felt it at a debilitating level over things I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t do anything about the episodes. When I got triggered, my feelings would just run me and my behavior would go out of control.

Years of therapy and different meds and it’s somewhat easier now. Took a long time though. It’s great you realize it’s something you want help with . I spent all those years trying to pretend nothing was wrong. Trauma therapy in particular, I saw other therapists that didn’t really help at all. I know those feelings hurt and it’s lonely. I hope you feel better .
 
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