My boyfriend lied about the smallest thing ever but I can't deal with this

PTSDisaster

Confident
My biggest issue is trusting my boyfriend, and my biggest trigger ís my boyfriend. It's been a really hard time gaining trust. I've been really clear that trust and honesty are the most important things in the entire relationship. But it's such a small thing, so for him it's not a big deal but for me it feels like I can't trust anything he says. And he doesn't understand what kind of impact small things can make. He thinks I'm annoying, overreacting and only think black and white. Here's the whole 'issue':
I askes him if he already cleaned the water fountain for the cats and he said 'Yes I already did', but turned out he didn't. The thing is, he has a hard time helping around the household. We made a calendar where we switch with only this water fountain and cleaning cat litter. I always need to ask him and he always postpones. So I was surprised and happy, but he just lied.

And while I'm writing this I keep thinking I am reaaaally overreacting, but I'm once again downplaying my feelings and these trust issues won't go away as long as this is happening. I'm working so hard with therapy etc to heal from ptsd, and it feels like he's always setting me back at some point. And than blaming me for my PTSD symptoms because it's not okay to feel or react this way.

Does anyone else have issues with lies, even small ones like these??
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Whether it's a lie, or someone doing something that I interpret as not seeing or hearing me: I retreat. Massively.
But......
It is an over reaction to the situation.
Not to the past hurt that caused this. But to the here and now.
Doesn't stop it triggering the past, but doesn't mean the trauma from the past is in this thing about the cat's water.
People tell fibs all the time. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure I do too. As unattractive as it is to admit it. Doesn't mean he is going to hurt you. Just means he felt crappy he hadn't done it and wanted to get out of not having done it. Makes him a flawed human like we all are.

(Edit: so easy for me to write this: but so so so hard to actually follow this view in my own life! )
 

PTSDisaster

Confident
Whether it's a lie, or someone doing something that I interpret as not seeing or hearing me: I retreat. Massively.
But......
It is an over reaction to the situation.
Not to the past hurt that caused this. But to the here and now.
Doesn't stop it triggering the past, but doesn't mean the trauma from the past is in this thing about the cat's water.
People tell fibs all the time. I'm sure you do too. I'm sure I do too. As unattractive as it is to admit it. Doesn't mean he is going to hurt you. Just means he felt crappy he hadn't done it and wanted to get out of not having done it. Makes him a flawed human like we all are.

(Edit: so easy for me to write this: but so so so hard to actually follow this view in my own life! )
Thank you so much for your reply:)) It is indeed hard to follow this view in life haha, but I'm glad to read that I'm not the only one, thank you:)
 

PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
I once read a quote, 'Truth is connecting and lies are disconnecting". I'm paraphrasing. I believe it's important to match words with deeds. Otherwise, the other is going to feel like the fool in a small or big way. Truth also shows the other that you do trust him or her and that you're willing to reveal your authentic feelings and facts, and not want to hide them from you. Having said that, my bf who I can trust to the core, learned to deal with sometimes an overreacting mom and then an overreacting ex-wife by using deception to avoid confrontation. I've felt he hasn't been straight with me a few times and each time hurt and I overreacted. The challenge was to convey the hurt and the message that honesty is always the best policy without overreacting on the outside because that feeds into his conflict-avoidant behavior. As for my reaction to his deceptions, I think it stems from the fact that I coped with a chaotic childhood by trying to figure out what was going on and try to predict and control. I overreact to being lied to because the uncertainty makes me feel like some dark, unpredictable force is at work and I'm going to get some catastrophe (which did happen in my childhood). But that's in the past. I try to disentangle my reaction to my past which is overwhelming to my reaction to his specific behaviors which is resolvable.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I think lies, though normal, feel like a vote of mistrust, or a betrayal of trust or- what's the word? - the intimacy borne from vulnerability and honesty between people. It doesn't feel like someone will have your back if they don't even have your front.

I once read a quote, 'Truth is connecting and lies are disconnecting". I'm paraphrasing. I believe it's important to match words with deeds. Otherwise, the other is going to feel like the fool in a small or big way. Truth also shows the other that you do trust him or her and that you're willing to reveal your authentic feelings and facts, and not want to hide them from you.
I was thinking about this, because I've been a person who used to always just forgive and forget it. Or to examine where I discouraged the truth. But the above is true, it is disconnection. And important to remember- a choice. Do you choose it? I believe you should give people the opportunity to choose. Then however, you should ask yourself, what is this saying to me? And listen. Because you deserve at least what you give, or to choose accordingly what actions, or who, values you. And who cares for you as much as they do themself. Because it doesn't help to say how you feel, if they don't care enough about how you feel to lie in the first place. That's why people feel foolish. In that case, they have already shown the truth, you know what you see or live. With lying there could be fear of consequences; there could be selfishness or self-interest; there could be an attitude of I can do better; there could be disinterest in the other's needs; there could just be dishonesty and living a double/ triple/ quadruple life. But it is not truth. My mom said on her deathbed, actions mean everything. Words mean nothing. And she was the first to forgive. Even when she said, it's hard to completely forget. Tbh, I think over the long haul it almost has to be a 'contest' of who loves one another more, to get through the hard times. In most relationships, even families. I hope you can choose the truth and surround yourself with those who value and cherish the unique person you are. If you have to question it- listen and make your choice accordingly. Best wishes to you.
 

PTSDisaster

Confident
Thank you all for replying!! I really appreciate it:)

I also think, it doesn't matter what the lie is about. It just makes me distrust you and it feels like a looooong road to regain trust.

Because it doesn't help to say how you feel, if they don't care enough about how you feel to lie in the first place.
Really agree with this. Maybe it even hurts more because he knows how I feel about it, and what stress it sets of with me. I hope it's just a one time thing, but before this lie, I was also very afraid of lies even though I didn't 'discover' one yet. He doesn't have trust issues so it's also really hard to make him understand what it feels like to me.

Thanks again for taking your time to reply<3
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I guess I have a different view than some. I don't believe there is any excuse for lying, and if someone has a pattern of it and I'm struggling with it, then that isn't my trust issue, that's dealing with someone who doesn't deserve my attention (although truthfully, it ALWAYS gets painted as an issue of trust with those of us who struggle with it to begin with).

It becomes an issue for me when I read into what someone says and presume they have lied about something. When I jump to conclusions. But that's maybe a different thing here.

Does your boyfriend lie as a matter of course, or was this a one-off thing? Is your difficulty trusting him related to your past - do you have trouble trusting everybody? - or is it him specifically?
 

PTSDisaster

Confident
I guess I have a different view than some. I don't believe there is any excuse for lying, and if someone has a pattern of it and I'm struggling with it, then that isn't my trust issue, that's dealing with someone who doesn't deserve my attention (although truthfully, it ALWAYS gets painted as an issue of trust with those of us who struggle with it to begin with).

It becomes an issue for me when I read into what someone says and presume they have lied about something. When I jump to conclusions. But that's maybe a different thing here.

Does your boyfriend lie as a matter of course, or was this a one-off thing? Is your difficulty trusting him related to your past - do you have trouble trusting everybody? - or is it him specifically?
I think it was a one-off thing. I have never really caught him lying, but I always think he is because I have a hard time trusting boyfriends due to my past. Which also answers your following questions haha. He is the first male figure in my life who doesn't want to do harm to me, so I think I'm just in a state of hypervigilance waiting to get hurt. It feels unbelievable that he wouldn't hurt me with cheating, lying etc. Buuuut those are all my trust issues, which aren't his fault at all, I just think he's just like any other male figure in my life
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I think the strange thing is, the thought that if someone would lie about what is small, then (naturally) they'd lie about what is big? (Provided it's not WWIII if you tell the truth).

But, and maybe even more so, who wants to be like some cop looking for incongruencies, or going so hard on one another? Maybe more importantly, you recognize your belief is no man will not harm you. Harder to challenge if there has never been any that don't, but is it still possible one would not? And perhaps he feels the same about women? You also say, 'He is the first male figure in my life who doesn't want to do harm to me.. " (as in the present tense). So in a way you are saying you believe the opposite, or if not then what you are saying is not truthful, either. So it probably would help both of you to not be defensive.

I think what is really difficult (for me anyway) is memory. We are all pre-wired to be more aware of threats, but what about all the times (I personally) frequently have trouble remembering the opposite? I also think that it's hard to see ptsd as cyclical when you're in it. By which I mean, we too revert to what we believe from the start and react the same. Unless we either really try to do things differently, by which we need concrete ways and practice. Sometimes it's just sheer risk/ trying. Or even learning how to tolerate that risk (or not).

I think too, abuse etc has no 'reasonableness', so what seems easy for others to believe or accept or expect doesn't seem like reality.

I hope it works out well for you. 🤗
 
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Friday

Moderator
I’m quirky about lying.

Most people lie all day, every day. I pay it no mind. Correction. Very little mind. I’m aware of it, I just accept that it’s the socially correct thing to do. Shrug.

What grabs my attention is someone who isn’t lying/doesn’t lie, to me. Whether or not they lie to anyone/everyone else all day every day, gets noted next. IE, am I being told the truth, whilst others are being blown off, or is this simply the way they operate? What are secrets I’m being given trust of, versus generally available knowledge? Where do they exercise their facility? What judgment calls are they making? (Or none). What’s choice v personality?

It gets complicated.

But I feel absolutely no compunction in drawing my own boundaries around lying. If someone wants to be X to me? Or Y to me? They need to be “here” or “here” in regards to telling me the truth. Ditto... someone is just getting to know ME is held to a different standard, than someone who knows me well. Meanwhile the inverse is true in how much rope I give them. Someone I have history with will be given a lot more leave, than someone I don’t. Both? Different standards for different people, and different amounts of slack I’m willing to cut them? As it should be, IMO. Because they’re my boundaries. My decisions.

My CLOSEST relationships? Have little to no tolerance for lying -to me- whilst my more distant relationships I can expect -and be perfectly fine with- being lied to all the dang time. Which may not be “fair”, but I have very little interest in fairness. I have a great interest in justice, and trust. Don’t break my trust. I very rarely find it worthwhile to repair.
 

grief

Sponsor
Does anyone else have issues with lies, even small ones like these?
i have issues with lies from people that i trust. which means i have issues with about, mmm, two people lying to me. maybe three or four if we're being generous. and it depends on how you define lie. "oh yeah i did take the garbage out" (which either they did take it out, or they don't want to take it out and are just saying that, or whatever) that's kind of whatever.

versus something actually significant. "i didn't steal that." or "i'm not cheating on you."

or whatever.

so i guess the answer is-i care about the big stuff. the small stuff is almost not on my radar. people say and do a lot of things. and most of the time i can understand the causality of it. based on observation. i am less inclined to be around people who make a regular habit of lying. but i don't personally react to it. it's not about me. it's about them.

the big stuff? different ball game. my spouse? it depends. "yeah i forgot the milk" instead of "i didn't want to go get it so i just didn't." like, whatever. you didn't want to but you don't want to come off as rude, so you say you forgot. that's fine. i'm not going to crucify someone because of that. maybe that makes me naive.

there definitely are things that can make me spin out and become paranoid. but generally i just give people the benefit of the doubt and take them at face value because that makes my life a lot easier.

and because the people who i do trust are people that have consistently not behaved that way.
 

Freddyt

Confident
While the lying is the event its the emotional value of the person involved that sticks out to me as something that's really affecting you. In the same way that family seems to cause PTSDers a lot of trouble its even worse when its someone you count on for direct support. It took a while to realize that myself. No one in my life seems to have more impact on me than my wife. Seemingly little things just crush me or set em off in a way it seems like they shouldn't. Everything is magnified.

I needed to talk to my sweety more. I had to just stop and think that right now that she can't see more than the physical effects of her actions. I need to interpret them into PTSDese for her. I find it really hard to talk at the best of times (its a man thing, amplified by PTSD) - but I just remember we both have to live with this and the more she knows the less she does things that deeply affect me. She has triggered me a few times (by accident) and she knows what I'm like at my worst which makes things easier in a way. I know it hurts her to see me like that and it made it easier to just say "that doesn't help me" on the spot, even if I need to wait till later to tell her why. She gets that what she's doing isn't doing is affecting me. It also makes it easier to tell her later clearly and rationally rather than emotionally and irrationally in the moment.

In your case, telling him clearly how what he did affects you is what you need to do. He needs to know how hard you are trying and how much you need his teamwork to help you through this. You need to explain how things he does are magnified and how much even little things affect you. He needs to know how he affected your trust, and how that affects you so much.

Get blunt, clear and direct - he's a man, like me, we understand it better. Sometimes a 2x4 upside the head helps to get our full attention before you start.
 
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