Ok...tonight I was at the hospital (trigger now) and i worked there for five years and I pretty much grew up there in more ways than one. UUUUGGGGHHHHH.....I hate that in my mind i feel like....this is not all about me....it is another family going through this terrible loss and i am feeling panicked and it is affecting me. Just so frustrating. Anyway...tonight my cousin delifvered a baby at 8;56....I had just left and i missed the delivery. My anxiety was starting to rise...I started to feel nauseated etc and the little pictures are forming in my head of all the things i watched my father go through. Then....when i got home my boyfriend of 2 1/2 months called to update me on the status of his brother. He has been in ICU since thursday morning after suffering a major heart attack. He is 45 with 6 children....Oh so very sad and so automatically i am triggered with the family and the loss and how the poor children are going to manage. (I remember being a child and watching my father die at 43....I know the repercussions. Again...I hate that I am thinking about me right now. So....my quesstion is that...OK...my anxiety is through the roof. i am shaking now just writing this. i know i need to support him and that I feel I need to try and support him more. i saw him on friday but I have not gone to the hospital with him...not ICU and those flooding memories....that just pop in and out of my head and then i start having flashbacks of the assault too. I don't know whether I am supposed to go to the entire funeral and the burial. Do I remain by his side the entire time and meet his whole family this way....with my anxiety being bad at those particular moments. can i just go to one of the viewings and just make an appearance ? i spoke with a friend of mine and she told me i should just go and make an appearance. i haven't experienced death with my symptoms at an all time high (probably had started a bit but at the time i had no idea what it was or how to help myself. Do i avoid it all together? it is hard to make the right choices, especially right now. Of course me neck is on fire and i just feel confused. I have all of my paperwork on the living room floor. i am going to organize to help me not have so many flashback "pictures" i know I am getting better....it is not taking over my day this time and I am shaking them off pretty quiclky but last night....i woke up about 6 different times and the bed, my hair, sheets were soaking wet. i was freezing and i was shaking so hard that I literally felt like it would never stop. i did realize in my own head it was going to stop and I was safe and it was 2007 and everything was going to be OK. So...those lasted about 10 minutes each. i took ativan and immovane last night to sleep and it also gives like an amnesia so i don't remember what I dreamt. i just know my Dad was in them and i know it was about violence because i woke up in a panick...like scared to death. Those are the times i wish i had someone there to wrap his arms around me. it has been very comforting and I have never experienced this type of comfort....I don't think ever. OK....so now i am rambling. My whole basis for this thread was to find out what others would do? i know I need to practice self care...I also know that I WANT to avoid the funeral all together. The previous PTSD girl would have no second thoughts...I would go for the entire funeral....i am really beginning to care for this man quite a bit and i want to show him i care and I want to be supportive to him in all ways. How do i approach this funeral issue. Do i treat it like exposure therapy...take a friend (my friend Kristy said she would go)..Do that first...see how I feel and attempt the second viewing and then go to the actual funeral and burial? UUUUGGGGG i hate that I cannot make a logical choice or decision before i have thought about it over and over and over and over...all the while remembering a past from HELL. Sorry everyone...my anxiety is so high and my brain is going so fast i can hardly type fast enough or keep the thoughts to a some what logical level. Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond with any advice...i REALLY don't know what dto do. i can't beleive how hard this is hitting me?