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My cat

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kafkaesk

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So two months ago my 11 year old cat started to show she didnt feel well. Before she was like a kitten now she was just lying down with large pupils and nevus looking. So I went to the vet who localized back pain, She got some anti inflammation and pain relife. It made her better but not well. 2 weeks later it is the same and I go to the vet again. She talks about needing xrays and my cat needing sedation and it is risk with that. I just crashed. The vet said we could try the medicine for a longer period instead so I did that. It didnt work so xray was up on the table. I felt strongly my responsibility so I pondered the question of xray every wake hour from it was first mentioned.

So when the xray day comes the vet tells me that the test on kidneys etc they told they should do before sedation, they didnt had time to do them. So I said hell no you dont do sedation before we know my cat is well enough for it. So they did the test and booked another appointment for xray. My apartment went up to 32 degrese C and my cat couldnt take it. I tried to build a house for her from a carton and put a flask with ice in it but she didnt want to go in there. I spent a whole day just watching here bread. Like 20 hours just watching her. Constantly. I took water and stroke her to cool her down and she hated me for it. Day two I felt I was cloose to loose my mind. I just wanted to bang my head against the wall so my blood just exploded all over the apartment. Because covid I couldnt take her to another apartment. I was out of ideas. So I spent day two just watching her bread again.

In the evening she acted very strange so I rushed to the vet to see if she had heat stroke. My cat hates leaving the apartment and she was so scared so she played dead. My best freind was suffering and I couldnt do anything right. My mom said that she could take her the next day, even thou she is isolated bacouse of hearth problem becouse of covid. So I went there with my cat. She was scared the whole time there and it pained me a lot but I didnt know what else to do. When she came home she was just like she was before the pain for 2 days. Then her backpain started to show again but she was better then before.

I was nervous of the sedation becouse cats can barf when they are sadated and die from it. But finaly the day for xray had come and I was like really nervous. But the vet told me we shouldnt do it becouse my cat was better. So then I went home and ate raisens. And my cat ate something in the sofa that could have been a rasin. Could that be dangerous? Looking on Google. Yes. So I had to raise to th vet again that they. I had two hours to relax and the back. At the vet they gave my cat sedation to make her barf. That morning I didnt have to sedate her and fear her barfing and was so relifed about it and now I had to sedate her to make her barf? Second time I felt my sanity slip away.

At home my cat started coffing and she had done it two times before when all this started. So I looked that up and it could be astma so I had to make another apointment to the vet for the 24th.

All this has been on my mind 24/7 for 2 months and it efects me. My cat was the only company I had for a couple of years and she really saved me. She is my guardian angel. ANd now I cant look at her without feeling nevousness and angst. And it makes me feel so f*cking ashamed that I feel that way about my best freind. I just went back in to total DpDr. A part of me acts like she is already dead. It is some kind of a defensemechanism. And the guilt is tearing me apart. I treat her well and make her life as great I can but my feelings are dark and of. I hate this. My f*cking CPTSD and DpDr is making my life hell with this.

I just needed to ramble. Bye for now.
 
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