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My Comments And Questions On... What Are You Feeling Today? Can You Identify Yours?

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Phoenix_Rising

MyPTSD Pro
This is actually a thread in the "chit chat" section, but is very, very long with many responses.

So I thought I would be better off sharing my reaction to that in a separate thread of my own.

It just really brought something to focus for me, and I am wondering if any one else experiences this on an ongoing basis?

Most of the time, unless, like last week, I am flooding with an emotional release, or I am actually in therapy (and this is new, only since I have been seeing this new therapist) I am not aware of how I am feeling. Either emotionally or in my body.

Even when I am triggered, I often identify it more as "I can feel there is something major going on inside me" but not any emotions or physical sensations. It's just I have had that so many times that I recognize it when it is happening, or, I recognize it by the fact that I am extremely dissociated, even if I feel nothing. The dissociation means something has definitely put me on overload.

I didn't really know I did this, until she started getting me to be more aware of my body and identifying sensations (which I still, 99% of the time, can only do and be aware of, when I am with her). I've always known that I dissociate, but did not know I dissociated in this way. I have had several releases as a result, as my emotions de-thaw so to speak which is kind of like what it feels like, thawing after being frozen for a long time. Except I think I am rather afraid (ok there is one feeling, lol) of thawing out.

Right now, I could not tell you what I am feeling, couldn't even guess. I can't tell you what is going on in my body (well, besides, it hurts, lol... but have learned that is not all I feel in my body in my sessions).

Before--actually just before--all this started happening, my initial reaction was a lot of anxiety about being in my body. I just did not want to be there, it seemed intolerable. Then a bunch of stuff underneath that started coming out, after. In fact it was exactly a month ago that I wrote this, which was when my therapist was trying to ground me enough to be in my body:

My Body

I can’t stay here,

I have to fly.

I have to run, I have to hide.

I have to escape, inside my head

Have to scurry, filled with dread

Like a frightened mouse,

I slip and slide,

Trying to outrun

What’s in my mind

Trying to flee this haunted house

That carries ghosts within it still

They try to catch me,

Try to kill

Whatever is left of me inside

Whatever I protected,

Far away and back in time

Back when I froze,

And kept inside me blame that was mine

When I forgot

When I became numb,

Every time terror was brought

In fits,

In scenes,

In nights, in days

Of mornings and evenings

I walked through life in a haze

Of weeks and months and years and single nights

And all of them, every one

Sent me into such terrifying frights

That froze, that burned

That hated and blamed,

And festered inside me

A deep and secret shame

Another layer of numbness brought

Soon it’s not enough,

And I find I am caught

It burns like fire in my veins,

In my body,

My mind, my brain

Soon even the numbness, the freezing, the flying away

The depression, self hatred, self seeking shame

A blame that burned inside my soul

And left behind

A gaping hole

It’s not enough, I can’t contain,

It’s all spilling out of all the broken places,

Cracks and holes that are leaking pain

I can’t even begin to try to seal

A shattered heart,

An inner starvation

That can never be sated by any meal

I can’t turn inward anymore

Can’t turn outward

I am alone, there’s no support

Can’t rely on my defenses to stop the pain

Can’t say I’m too tired,

I want to go home,

I no longer want to play this game

I am strangled silent

I can’t scream or cry

Somewhere along the way I lost myself

I didn’t even get the chance

To tell myself goodbye

Turned to pills, to knives, to glass

To fire and burning smoke

Just trying to survive,

Just waiting and waiting for time to pass

To blows against my body and face

And secret words of shame, written

Indelible even after they are washed away

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to escape this place

...Does anyone else experience this? (Or something similar?)

Phoenix_Rising
 
Thank you for sharing this Phoenix Rising. You have a beautiful writing style. It really captures the same sort of feelings I've had for so long and have been struggling to articulate. Every word of it. Thank you.
 
Thank you both for responding :) and I really appreciate you comments, Milbert, very much :)

It's good just to know I am not alone.

Thanks!
 
Dear Phoenix, I'm sorry I could not say more, and Milbert is right, you are very talented, articulate, (and accurate!)

Thankfully it won't always feel that way, but yes, I describe it as feeling like one's clothes are on fire, - to 'flee' but from 'what' or'how' is very difficult to determine, at times.

I am very poor at recognizing pain or 'what' I'm recognizing until it becomes unbearable.
I am learning, however.
 
Thank you so much for the post, Junebug :) :) :)

Really, really helps :)

And yeah, that is what I am doing too... Trying to learn how to do that.
 
Love your writing phoenix.

I often reply to what I am feeling and quite often I have dig deep I never really know what I feel. The numbness hides what's underneath. I think for me avoidance stops me tapping into myself. It must be really nice to know how you feel and be able to reel it off instead of trying to work it out. Think I live in a constant dissociation lately. The same with thinking I'm often lost deep in my head but don't alway know what thinking it just dark weight
Consuming me.

Sazza
 
Thank you Sazza :) Sorry if I am not very articulate today... T session yesterday and is like my brain is on overload today. :( And yeah, must be nice to be able to do that, I agree. Had that lost in my head feeling just yesterday... Fighting it is exhausting, I have discovered. Sorry I can't write more thanks for sharing and responding to my post :)
 
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