My Crazy Thoughts

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goodness...I need to vent again. I feel like the smallest person in the world now. I wanted it to be a good day. I tried to to keep positive, because it's my b-day today. Don't have anything planned for it, just another day, but I just wanted it to be a positive one.

Of course it doesn't ever turn out that way. Being my birthday made me realize that im like 4 steps back of where I was 4 years ago... never the less two years ago. So much has changed in the last two years. All for the worse. I try to spin it to a positive twist as goals to work forward to fixing/achieving...but it makes me so sad that i feel this way. Pathetic. Like when I was 20 I thought I would have at least established my way to a career. Instead I find myself asking if I should try getting disability support and perhaps go back to school or settle for a crappy ass on call night guard job. How sad. Frrruuuuuck! Like what the... I tried to work so hard to get better. Like building a snowman in hell though. No one understands how much pain it is, to go on every day, on my own strength, Im just getting tired of being in pain all the time. It's stupid. Im so friggin young. When I talk to older people they tell me I don't know pain is. The sad thing is I do, and it's only going to get worse as I get older.
I hate myself, even tho I should be happy it's my born day. I just want to die though. geez.
i can't even write rhymes. im not hungry. barely ate. at least im drinkin lots of water.


Even though I apparently have so much to look forward to, I don't even care. I barely see a future. I don't see anything really. Not even next week. I hate to feel this way. It's so selfish. I should care, but I just dont. So frustrating. oh well what can I do, I'll just pop my chill pills and check out youtube for funny animals and stupid people doing stupid things.
I can totally relate, the med thing, the job and the career thing - feeling like one is going backwards, not making progress in life, and yes, the not caring either. It is a very tough situation. Ugh. Really hard to deal with, and yes, the bosses voice going over and over. If there is anything, and I mean anything you can do to relieve stress short term, it might take a magnifying glass, but these are the times to look really close.

I can totally relate, the med thing, the job and the career thing - feeling like one is going backwards, not making progress in life, and yes, the not caring either. It is a very tough situation. Ugh. Really hard to deal with, and yes, the bosses voice going over and over. If there is anything, and I mean anything you can do to relieve stress short term, it might take a magnifying glass, but these are the times to look really close.

I notice you are age, and I cannot help to assume you have some wisdom in life and trying times. Was it this hard when you were in your twenties? Did the world seem so crazy, imminently, slowly killing itself away?
I know there was a crunch in the 80's... but these times are believed to be worse(recession/depression). I don't know what to do. Even when I look for jobs to just look in case I can find anything, I see hundreds of people applying for the same position. My unemployment sick benefits are gonna run out. I won't count on "welfare". I could make more pan handling the streets of Toronto. Maybe I am just thinking too much.
How sad that I am all alone on my birthday. No one to even smoke a birthday blunt with. I guess this one is going to my head :thumbs-up

and thank you Jadebear:smile:
One more thing, I don't know what your med reaction issue is like, but, as I posted on the "Therpists We's Like To See Thrown To The Lions" thread, I got severe and chronic gastritis once, due to highly innapropriate meds and it nearly did me in. I had nausea, vommiting and fever for a year before losing everything and becoming homeless, living on the streets and sleeping in a shelter for eight months. I remember my birthday that summer, because I was lying on the grass in a city park, staying cool in the shade of a tree and basically sick as a dog. A person I knew from the shelter showed up and asked me how I was doing. I said "it's my birthday". She went accross the street to the gas station and bought me a .99 cent bag of potatoe chips, one of the few foods I could keep down. That was my birhtday. That was all I could eat that day, no exaggeration. 'Course, I probably suffer from "Jinxed Birthday Syndrome" because they always suck, doesn't even matter how the rest of the year is, so I just forget about 'em and treat it like another day.

Another time years ealier, I was living in the hard part of old downtown Oakland, no car, just a bicycle, doing basic low paying work to survive, and pouring my piss out of a jar down the sink in my room 'cause I was too scared to use the communal bathrooms in the skid row hotel where I lived. Rough neighborhood.
Seemed like everytime I was having a really bad day, and really feeling disgusted about sh*t, I would ride around a corner on my bike, and there would be someone in a wheelchair, handicapped, disfigured or otherwise really hurting. I had to realize that, at that time, since my body was basically operational, I was doing pretty darn good overall, or so it seemed. Many nights my dinner was a couple packs of cookies out the vending machine downtairs in the hotel lobby.
Did that scene a year and half.

Sometimes I almost feel like starting a "Jinxed Birthday Syndrome" thread, ya know? Or maybe a "Therapists We'd Like To See Try Crossing The I-10 Southbound Coming Out Of L.A. On Friday Night" thread, both those would be pretty cool, IMO. :-)

Ya know, one of things that bugs me most about my abuse? That I had to put on this hard shell exterior to survive in this freakin' world, and can't just be the sensitive little buck toothed dork I really am...its true.

Heck, anyway...

here's a very sincere and respectful happy birthday for ya MizzASG -
hope thay get a lot better, really do. :-)

Take care,
James B.
Wait, did I say I-10 Southbound, I meant Eastbound of course...

My Crazy Thoughts?

Its funny because I cannot - with a worn out body - simply apply external effort and try to "solve" my dilemma any longer, nor can I summon any longer the mindset set to "try harder" - the crazy part being I simply refuse to let my abusers destroy my Dignity, or to allow them to end my self determined and autonomous quest to become a Quality human being...Transcendence seems "hard" because "letting go" feels like a lack of control, giving up "control" to gain better control? This is a new avenue for me...Crazy? Maybe, but what have I got to lose?
My only relevant thoughts MizzASG, are to underline that "not caring" was, in my case very self detrimental - I can completely identify with what you wrote.
Wish I had taken better care of myself over the years, forced myself to eat better, etc. If you've got an accurate diagnosis, and are still young, you have a huge advantage on things, reletive to to what I experienced.

Being young was very tough for me, I so badly wanted a "normal life" - living with my abusers, teaching myself new technical and creative skills, stuggling with bulimia, stuggling with binge drinking, dealing with being backwards and clueless socially, etc. I cannot look at a picture of myself, or think about my life back then without crying. So, I won't try and play down the challenges you face, only say: please try to be kind and gentle with yourself, please do your best to take good care of the basics, healthy meals, excersise. I too lose my appetite when stressed, very tough situation. Your post really rang a bell with me...hope you are doing ok.
thanks for sharing James. It always helps to know that I am not just crazy, and that many people go through it just like me.

I always thought, we never had a choice to be born in this world. But we are presented with choices everyday. Life is all about choices. So why is it so taboo for one to make a choice to take their own life? Why do people see that as cowardly? Why does society place so much value on human life when everything else gets destroyed in order to sustain this "life"?
I do not see death as an end. Rather, as a transition. Like Taoist believe, our body is only an exterior harboring our soul and energy which will just transition to become another living thing when this "shell" is no longer capable. I just don't think I should be living anymore. Why do I need to live in pain? Because someone tells me it could "always be worse"? Yes, it could, but if it was worse, I would want to do the same thing I want to right now.
Ugh.. I just don't care anymore. Not for money, or anything. I just want to be free. But I don't want my family to go through such pain because they don't understand. ugh.
I have been there and felt the same many times. I have looked the spectre of death in the face, and resent the lie that we should not have the right to "self terminate" when faced with overwhelming odds and circumstances.

Why then, you may ask, didn't I do it? Why...

Because, I sensed that my state of utmost despair was temporary or transient. I sense that I need little of what the "material" world deems is important, is relevant to me, and I can be alive to enjoy simple things...a little while longer.

I am not going to bullsh*t you here, MizzASG - I agree with the spirit within the body being set free at death, like the Taoist thing you mentioned. I believe I have lived other lives. I think a lot of my stress and self hate came from absorbing a lot of bullsh*t westen values, materialist crap. And have spent a life time peeling off the brainwashing of mainstream media.

Is suicide a cowards way out? Is self euthanization a sin? I got no frewaking clue about any of that philisophical stuff - all I know is, for me personally, I have work to do on my "spiritual house of cards". before I leave this body. I gotta get some stuff straightened out on the physical plane or I got a sneakin hunch I am gonna be in deep doo doo with my maker.

You know why I can't see the eternal radiance of love all around me? Because of my abuse - that why. Not gonna let my abuse taint my soul - gotta do some work here.

MizzASG - your words strike a chord in me. You speak direct and from the heart.
So, I shall take a risk, and speak direct to you, from my heart, and my gut. The moderators may ding me for this - I am going to take a risk.

The say, "god takes care of fools and drunks". Maybe what you need MiZZASG is to consider a journey. Maybe you need to get the hell out of the situation you are in and find a better vibe someplace else. I know, sounds like a formula for disaster. But, you are telling me you want to kill your self. So, what I am saying is this...maybe instead of dying, imagine there *are* cool places to go, and cool people to do things with, and all you gotta do is find them.

I had to get the heck outta the socal burbs or I woulda blown my brains out, no question. If you cannot imagine (creativity) a better place, a better feeling, then maybe what you got is your abuse staring you in the face? I grew up in fastlane -
Beach town USA - lots of suicides folks. Lots of heavy duty sh*t going down.

Some people just bail, thay just cast off and never look back - drift, hide out. Work in resorts. If someone sets their ideals high, and doesn't bow to the hard core booze and drug scene - they can do alright.

Fortune favors those who dare...

What's better, the certainty of death? Or the uncertanty of an adventure?

Food for thought MizzASG. Like I said, I basically could have written your last post, many times - true statement. Today, my sugical site is inflamed cause I went walking too much. I got no coffee to look forward to, but had a nice time seeing a gazillion bees in a blooming pepper tree this morning. I am letting go inch my inch, and coming a bit closer to sensing the divine radiance of love all around me.

My body hurts, my brain is frazzled - but I got maybe one more good rally in me before I say adios amigos. Fact is, I think I got addicted, to a point, to my suffering. Like a lifestyle masochist. Then, something would snap I waould get my ass in gear.

Some people will say, "well, holy cow I can't just cut loose, I gotta stay in this mire of mirth, loathing and self hatred, I mean - jeepers who will feed my cat?"

People create their own coffins. Death is never pretty. Might as well hang out a while longer, because if there is one thing I know to be true - you never, I mean never know what might happen. No sh*t.
Got old age coming at me like a freight train, old enough to be a grandfather.
Peers are starting to drop like flies. Last few years alone. Here the list.

P.S. A fine friend, one year older than me. Super smart. Drank himself to death.
Internal hemmorage - bled to death out his anus. Age 51. Single.

A.N. Another super cool cat, always on flight type - superman style. Drank espresso only for breakfast, no food. Stomach cancer killed him last year. I climbed with this guy, he was way talented. Age 49. Single.

R.C. Close personal friend, knew my folks, loved him like a brother. Another superman type, drama queen - big dude. Drank and drugged himself to death.
Died in his own bed. His wife woke up next to a corpse. Age 45. Had two kids.

R.K. Big drama queen, alchoholic. Risk addict. Tormented all his friends with threats of suicide, for months. Finally did it. Jumped off a cliff and smashed his own skull in. Age 49. Single.

J.H. Top rock climber. Risk addict. Superman. Super arrogant, abusive. Had an auto accident, spinal fusion, one hand weak. Didnt stop doing his high risk climbing. Fell and killed on impact. Left a son. Age 52

J.U. Another trauma suvivor. My age. High level risk addiction. Many close calls.
Lucky streak. When climbing couldn't kill him, he hopped on a bed and blew his brains out - in front of his GF.
Knew all these guys pretty well. Climbed with most of them. Mid 90's sitting at coffee bar with J.H. Coversation is existental - I go "I think I'm losing my mind".
J.H. (very good musician too) goes: "I lost my mind years ago..."


W.S. Super good guy, amazing climber. Good customer.Smart, genius even. Complete and total suicidal maniac. Solos grade V walls, on sight no rope...on LSD. Kayaking in the high Sierra, boat flips upside down. Smashes his face on a submerged rock, sucks water and drowns. They bagged and tagged him, then helo'd him out. Age 43. Single. Lost a good friend that day.
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