My Crazy Thoughts

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No worries...

Yosemte Valley Summer '89. Small cliff Lower Merced.

The first responders are already there trying to keep this guy breathing. He had fallen on a simple hand crack. Hands slipped out, feet stayed in, gear ripped out.
He flips upside down and pancackes his head into the deck, in front of his GF.

I help her up to the road, shaking so bad she can barely walk and is coming unglued. They bring the litter up to the road. Amazingly, a Lamar AFB helo lands on the highway - it looks like the rotors are maybe 25 feet from Reeds pinnacle.

I am on point, and we load the litter up. I look down at this guys face. His eyes
are gray and his head looks like a dog that got hit by a truck - from a 20' ground fall. The air medic checks his pulse, then yells "anyone got a knife". (to cut his litter straps in case he starts to vomit) I go "I do". She waves me on board, then checks his pulse, and waves me off. Door closes. The helo takes off. He is dead in the air. His first roped climb.

Had a night terror flashback on that one.
James I appreciate you sharing your feelings and stories. I am sad to hear about your friends, but that is something we can all definitely relate to. I'm not nearly as old as you are, but I have had a few friends in my life pass away as well.

My aunty (not blood aunt, my mom BFF) committed suicide about 4 years ago. My mom found her in the bathtub after she missed dinner with us and she went to check on her.

My co worker who I worked many hours with on night shifts passed away from liver cancer. I only knew him for a few months, but when you work long, night shifts with someone you get to know them quickly. He was one of the only people ever that could ever understand my pain (he had herniated discs, plus, slow live cancer...painful I can imagine). I remember when he went on medical leave I still went to visit him at home. When he went to the hospital I gave him the best pot I had so he can smoke the best before he left. I miss him dearly.

I remember going out to a concert, and I seen this kid getting completely wasted and he began heckling the performer and started climbing the stiar railing and hanging off em. I remember grabbing him and telling him to relax and that he should take a break from drinking. Go outside and get some fresh air. He was such a nuisance the performer stopped and singled him out. I went outside with him... but he went across the street to get some smokes or something, then before I knew it, A van pulled outta no where and the kid had his stomach stabbed. I just remember seeing him fall to the ground and his g/f's blood curdling scream and squealing tires. Ironically it all happened across the police station, and everything was caught on film. Poor kid was only 20 years old, and he died from his wounds and blood loss. I tried to help him, but the first responding officer told me to get lost and forgot what i saw. As soon as he "passed away" then and there, it started POURING rain.

I had one friend who got killed in her car when her father was running from the police. They ran a red light and got t-boned and slammed into a phone booth. The father lived, but my friend didnt. She left behind a 2 year old who will never get to know her parents... the kids father is incarcerated for serious crimes in the pen.

sigh...thats All I wish to type. Bringing this up is making me emotional...and its tiring to bring myself to remember the people I once knew. In a way I consider them lucky, being able to have escaped the physical realm of this world.
bad day

damn what a day I had. It was pretty ok then went to shit hitting the fan pretty quick. I went to see my doc/counselor today...waited 2 hours to see him (he was overbooked, he was supposed to be off the week but decided to get the people who needed to see him most so he came in, thankfully).
Well since that took up most my afternoon, I had just enough time to get that doctors note over to the unemployment office to get my benefits kickin was all going smooth. Time was going good.
I left the office to go pick up my BF who was working just around the corner. As I was driving on my way, I get onto a construction lane. All of a sudden I see lights behind me. It was a SWAT van. Since I had no room I just pulled over in the next street to let them pass, thinking they were going to a call, but it became apparent that it was for me when he turned into the street with me.
I started getting really freaked out and shaky, only because I never had a good impression from a police officer in my city. Two SWAT guys in full gear come out of the van and approach my vehicle. I got really intimidated and my fight/flight kicked in HARDCORE!
One of them came up to my window and I opened it about two inches. He asked me to lower the window so he can hear me better but I refused explaining I was very intimidated and don't feel safe (and apologizing, of course). I guess he took it the wrong way...he didnt like it. I also made sure to lock my doors (just in case, cops are douche bags here) He asked me where I was coming from, I told him. He asked if I knew that this month my tags are expired, and I said yes, I was waiting for unemployment to kick in to pay for a new sticker. He took my info and wrote my a ticket for over a $100. I started crying when he gave me the ticket. He told me I can plead guilty with explanation. I said thank you and closed my window.
I am so going to fight the ticket, but why the hell did the SWAT guys pull me over? I live A BLOCK AWAY from the cop station and get seen by normal cops everyday...and have never been pulled was a very frightening and overwhelming experience.
Now it's just another thing to add to my pile. UGHHHHHHH. FML!
Ok so I told my doc about my mood swings. Sometimes I feel absolutely great (especially since i started coming off the meds) but then within minutes (especially from a trigger) I get major depressed and all irritable and anxious again. My bf has been telling my his has been going on for a while, but he just attributed it to the meds. I always asked him to keep an eye on my moods but I guess he's choosing not to get too into my..."problems".
Anyways, after describing some situations to my doc, he said he would like to try me onto Seroquel (sp?) while coming off Effexor. He said he is worried that the (perhaps) Wellbutrin triggered some mixed manic episodes and I could have become bipolar. WTF. I am kinda angry now. Is this because of the meds? Or is it me? I am confused. I feel... lost. What do I do now? This is becoming pretty disabling as I cannot really control these mood swings. How am I gonna go back to work? Will I be able to go back? So many questions now!
This is all so sudden and fast, kinda. It's scary. Am I crazy? I certainly feel like it. This is insane. God damn it.
Great writing MizzASG - right from the gut.

Right off the bat - Effexor turned me into a fruit loop. Bad scene.
I can't do those types of meds. Seroquel has been a godsend, I am not kidding you but: it doesn't mix well with cannabis (hold on) in the long term - its easy to taper off. I found it nice to be off cannabis (at least for a while) 'cause of the type of dissociating I get with while smoking it. (more on that, maybe)

Booze, weed, caffine, meds - ?

I am sorry, I just tell anyone - you drink on top of taking psych-meds, all bets are OFF! (just my opinion ok?) Not talking about once every six months. The all the time, some of the time, or binging.

Cannabis is a strong herb - think it is *mixing* it with other stuff where things get weird.

You can see, all this shit going into your body, your brain is trying to figure out which end is up - mixing weed with psych-meds?

If the meds are working, you may not even want the weed (seems logical) like, I *wanted* to get away from cannabis once I got well into using Seroquel (about 6 weeks).

Seroquel 'coats' and really helps that sensory overload stuff for me and, it seems, some others.

The sedative effect is a *side effect*. Not really a sleeping aid (though my ptsdemail friend tried it for that @200mg at night, and it freaking went reverso on her in 5-6 months)

200mg! Big dose IMHO. It may be also, that some people are born with greater sensitivity to sensory input, it may not all be the PTSD.

alrighty then - this is life and *we are living it* - killer writing MizzASG - I will be back, with more of...

My * Crazy * Thoughts *
Back in the 80's I had a dear friend who was/is an alchohoic. He'd get into these monolgues of how he wanted to die, how he was going to kill hemself etc, in front of his friends.

So one day he (TT) is doing his suicide routine, sitting around in the camp parking lot. Finally, this one guy SL (a gentle giant, guy's nearly 8 feet tall) gets pissed. He walks over to his station wagon, pulls out his Ruger Blackhawk 44 mag revolver, loads it, cocks it and hands it TT. Says "go ahead, do it". that ended the suicidal monologue...for a while.
Later that summer these same guys are down at the river. TT is doing it again, basically abusing his friend with his suicide spiel.

SL, gets way pissed. He's had enough. He picks up TT, carries him into the river saying, "ok, you wanna die?" throws him in the water, grabs TT and holds his head under. Of course, TT freaks and starts fighting for his life. The truth emerged. That ended TT's suicidal soap opera for good.
True stories.

For me the choice regarding stuff like cannabis is clear. I can't use it without abusing it. And if I abuse it, its avoidance. I am trying to kill my feelings and bury deeper the very things I have to face to heal from my trauma. Add up the years of avoidance, and basically trying to dodge the bullet, and you got a formula for near certain disaster. A cliche, a stereotypical self defeating re-run.

For me personally, suicidal ideation (preoccupation with my own death and or killing myself) is a big red flag. Not pink, not orange - red. It means I have got to take action and make some changes. Might be a combination of things, what I am putting in my body, who I am hanging out with, or my direct day to day environment, a different T. Something, in my case, has to give.

Few months back I cut an abusive friend, known this guy over 20 years. He used to be ok, now his anxiety disorder is way worse and he is making really bad decisions with his money - who does he take it out on? His friends. Me and probably others. I deleted his contact info, and will not take or return his calls. Period. Its over.

I don't need it. There's too many healthy people aout there. Have seen so much of this among the people I climbed with in the 80's. A lot of em have just become stuck and bitter. Any question why I don't mix with this group any more?

I made the choice to cut contact with this guy shortly after I started reading posts on this site. They reminded me of the signs, and why people who have been abused tend to cling to those who harm us. That was it. One more little (or not so little) stressor I didn't have to deal with.

I had tried to work boundries with this guy, didn't help. Formerly I had tried to help him with some basic computer stuff (way basic UI skills) and he blew up. After that he probably blamed me or something, because his learning disability was way obvious.

Kinda sad, but really a form of self advocacy and a reality check: there are abusers out there. Its a fact.
Thanks for sharing more of your stories James.

Personally, I have tried my best to cut out the negatives. That included leaving my workplace, as hard as it was. That pretty much meant my lively hood. It's hard. No more benefits. No more funny co workers to take my mind off the everyday bullshit we all go through. Nothing to just "get me through the day", a reason, you know? Work was my reason to get up...
I don't drink alcohol. I never really did to begin with. I would binge here and there on weekends at parties and live shows, but now I don't touch the stuff. I don't even like going to bars anymore (thats hard because my passion is live music!) because I see everyone getting their drink on and I am only having juice...or water. Kinda embarrassing....only in my own mind though.
I am kinda abusing pot right now (meaning half a gram more than usual), but don't like to. I know my boundaries and rarely cross them. Maybe I am doing this because I am coming off my meds now? I dunno...but either way, I do not feel pot has ever been my issue for myself. It doesn't make me lazy or anything like that...not what you see on those prohibition commercials, lol. Pot never made me stupid or lazy. Just more productive and tolerable of my pain. Also helps me get to sleep, especially indica strains. Once the pain is gone, I can get comfortable and just pass out without interruption and get a decent rest.

I would like to be able to control my ideations. I never share them with anyone and keep them very private. I hesitate to tell anyone about them because even I cannot believe I see such things when I close my eyes. I know this is definitely something I need help on. But I just don't know what to do about that. These thoughts are very intrusive and uncontrollable. It's hard to keep "in check" when I am in fight/flight mode as is...
The only place I ever wrote them out was here. I don't even speak about it with my doc. It makes me uncomfortable when I am in a more stable mind frame that I do this.

I know at one point I have to stop being afraid though. Be the person I used to be and just dive in head first... that is who I want to be again.
BITD cannabis helped me a great deal, and when I was laying here basically parylized with sciatica, it helped a lot too.

When I first started my design thing, cannabis was really instrumental in helping me block out my having to live with my abusers, and focus on my work - it *helped* me wire my brain for design (parallel/associative thinking) and helped me gain the limited but measurable success I had as a product designer.

Hey, write ups in two national specialty mags, and a five digit royalty is, at least, *something* - and my portfolio...Cannabis helped, no lie.

Suicidal images/thoughts during a fight/flight episode sounds pretty understandable. I have a hard time imagining living with persistant suicidal ideation, in a day to day type setting though...

Got some more - edge of life - type sagas and stuff...coming up *soon*, including a notion about attempts at suicide that are subconscious...
as in *when suicide goes underground*...right here, live, worldwide on *my crazy thoughts*.

Take care MizzASG
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I must be crazy! For I certainly feel it!

Missed my doctors appointment this week..they made it for 8am (wtf was i thinking, I should of have known better) and I totally slept in! Now I wont be able to see him for another week... hopefully next week he wont be busy on call for the coroners office. Hopefully, my meds will last till then too. I am feeling CRAZY withdraws from the Effexor, but my BODY is feeling better the less I take it... So I am very glad I decided to stop taking it. I think thats what it is, anyways.
Maybe now that my body might feel a little better my mind will too. I'll cross my fingers. Hopefully next week I will start on Seroquel as well. I am kind of excited to try it actually. I have read many mixed reviews but I did a lot of my own research and it seems to be a right fit for me. I am glad my doctors likes the fact that I research my drugs. He says he thinks it gives me "more control" which is something I definitely seek. My doctor is so cool he is always worth the waits for the appointments (he doesnt really overbook, he just likes to give his patients the time they need. When you add up 2, 3, 5 minutes here and there per patient a day, by the time lunch time hits your backed up 40 minutes. its hard to restrict so much in 20 minute visits. But like I said he is worth it to me, hes free lol)

Hopefully I can still be active enough to go for walks and try my best to figure out my situations. I am looking forward to something, finally. I hate to say I look forward to seeing my doctor more than I look forward into the future with me and my common law bf. I just don't think he gets it. I try to explain it's genrally hard for me to picture anything in the future, especially long term. My focus right now is very short term, week to week, only a month a head max. Small baby steps. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed (my cup get full easily and quickly, and it's splashes out in all directions lol!)


My Honda needs a new catalytic converter. Great. More money I dont have. I still have my winter tires because I can't afford to get them off lol. Looks like I will be parking my car for a while. My sticker expired on my bday (what a crappy birthday present, eh?) and I already got a $110 ticket for an expired sticker.
I can't believe my 2003 civic failed emissions testings because of an aftermarket part I was not aware of when I started leasing my car. Gosh darn I have been hood winked!

Looks like the money I am settling for with my insurance company will be going to my car...whatever is left from it after paying all fees for lawyers, physio, massage care etc. I don't know if I am doing the right thing settling for such a small amount. But then again I have no PHYSICAL pain that can be seen in x-rays or MRIs. Just chronic pain that a "young person like me shouldn't feel" (so they think I am faking it?) and PTSD that popped up almost a year and a half later due to bumping into the man who rear ended and much assaulted me.
I feel so confused.


I dont get what is with me. Is it the withdraws from my meds? I am all over the place! One minute I feel fine and normal and happy again then BAM! all of a sudden I want to kill myself. All it takes is for me to stare off... it's like a day dream. So hard to control. My emotions are like the craziest roller coaster you can imagine (I live near Canada's Wonderland, for 2 years I have never been able to go back there since my accident.) Man even my dreams are so real and emotional it feels like I never sleep.

See what I mean? I'm so random and all over. I am still in "fight/flight" mode..but am in/out of it constantly. Its so tiring. Like I am physically tired but I can't TURN OFF. Don't want to take benzo's all the time. They are so addicting. My BF hates it when I take them because my pupils apparently dilate hardcore. It feels awesome to "turn off" but I know I have to learn to do it myself. It's so freaking hard though, especially with Effexor withdraws. All i gotta say is THANK the great one GOD that I have some good herb. One small pinch into my my piece of art glass and I am good for a few hours. I don't bother to try and get "stoned or high" because I am on meds. I just toke what I need to help me stay in control.

I got the crisis line on speed dial. My boyfriend made me promise to call them if I get those strong urges again. He stayed home from work yesterday to make sure I would not do anything stupid after finding out my car is in need of over $1000 worth of repairs. (My suspicion is at least $800 is cosmetic..i need a new wind shield, and have some minor body damage on the rear quarter panel and bumper)

Regardless, even though it was one of my worst days, it at the same time was one of my best, because it was the most I have ever been able to open up to my BF. (He freaked out MAJORLY that day as well because he felt overwhelmed by everything..especially me.. he screamed and broke all our closet doors by punching them in. His poor knuckles lol. He apologized but didn't need to, I completely understood the outburst, but it made me a little scared and more helpless at the same time) We both were able to put most our feelings out on the table and try to work through everything together. I made some confessions to him (my suicidal thoughts, how I want to die, what my plan was) I never told anyone before. But I wanted to tell him because since I got pulled over by SWAT team for my ticket I am very paranoid that "they" (the government) is watching me.
I am an activist and since this G8-G20 bullshit, it's gotten worse. I have reason to believe my cell phone has been tapped a couple times and I know for a fact they are watching my internet activity.
I do go on some "activist group boards" and volunteer my time to maintain some info for them.
My friend working security in downtown Toronto believes that is probably the reason I got pulled over by SWAT. I cannot delve specifically into why she believes this, but she would not ever feed my paranoia if it was not grounded. CSIS is watching everyone closely. Can't wait till this week is over. Hopefully it will get less intense.

BAH! enough of that bull crap anyways...I need to go for a walk to cool off! Of work up a sweat more like's freaking hot out today! lol
Hi Mizz ASG - thought I'd take a chill-pill and post some non-sense straight from the fried residue of what I call a brain...

Effexor withdrawl for me? Not pretty, drink plenty of water, it'll pass.

Sorry about the catylitic converter on yer '03 civic. My 2000 civic has 156000, and counting, with no problems and its going to 250000, for sure. I do try to show it a lot of love though, Honda has maintainence spec for everything.
Soon, I gotta get the coolant flushed, 'cause coolant just gets trashed doing
its job, etc. Found a place out here, did the trans service cheap, like $85 bucks.

Gotta love it. I get 32.16 mpg average, not bad for an automatic. Love not having the high insurance of a newer car. Also, very low depreciation in terms of total dollars. Cheaper registration, etc. Wish it got a little better milage, but, whatever.

Get this, I once bought a 2006 Subaru, 25 grand off the lot. Drove it 14 months, sold it for book, and ate 11 grand in depreciation. No way, I said, never again.
People are buying up older civics out here like mad, doing the maintainence, and driving em forever...they are so cool, especially the 1993 to 1995 hatch.
Great car. Mine doesn't have cruise, but it has AC, so that's ok.

I will take an automatic over a stick, anyday. Sorry, you get in one of these freeway gridlock scenes out here, they go on forever, you are hating it with a 5 speed. :-)
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