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My Cup Overflowed - Sister-In-Law Had Heart Attack

Discussion in 'Anxiety, Panic & Hypervigilance' started by Marlene, Dec 30, 2006.

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  1. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Today when I got home from yoga, my youngest told me, 'Grandma called. She said it's important.' With my mom, important can be a whole range of things. So I called and my stepfather answered and gave me right over to my mom. I could tell the minute she said 'hello' that she was crying and very upset. My brother's wife had a heart attack. Fortunately she's a nurse and was on duty at the hospital when it happened. We've also since found out no surgery-they can remove the blockages with meds.

    But I just fell apart. Between hearing my mom's voice (which took me right back to the year after my sister died and many, many phone calls with her crying), worrying about my brother, SIL and their kids-it was all just too much.

    For so long, I was the person who was strong. I was the person who took care of those that fell apart. Now I'm the one who's falling apart. And I really despise it. I know the strong, competant person is still inside of me...I can feel her. But this big wall is in front of me with PTSD written all over it. And when things get tough, this wall just overshadows everything else and it's all I can see and feel.

    And this shit has gotten really old. Anxiety goes up, pain comes in. I've had about enough of that. It seemed like every place that could hurt, did hurt today. And the pain makes the anxiety go up, then the pain increases. Judas priest I have got to find a way to get this cycle broken. I know I'm bitching right now. I'm also wiped out.

    Not a great day by any stretch.
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  3. ranger2_75

    ranger2_75 Active Member

    O.K. feel beter? Good now what were you telling me in that PM earlier; you can do it. O.K. so that is the nut shell version of it, but you have friends here to vent to and support you so do what is necesary their and then drop us a line to vent or what ever you need. If it's just a hug you 'll get it, well a cyber hug anyway but we and or, I am here.
    Take it easy, talk to ya.
  4. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    I'm sorry to hear that Marlene, and best wishes for you to get through this, and for your SIL to recover well.

    You know Marlene, there is nothing wrong with falling apart under these circumstances. Lets look at it a different way... what good has it done you in the past to be the rock? Not much by the look off it, because you exploded insteading of exactly what is occurring now, your bodies natural overflow system is doing its job by giving an emotional outlet to a stressful time in your life. Seems to me, your giving yourself a bit of a hard time for simply discovering that you are human.
  5. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    I'm so sorry Marlene. I will pray for her to heal and make a complete recovery. I think Anthony is right that you are being very hard on yourself to ALWAYS be strong. There is no way any human can achieve that. This brought back some memories of other tough times in your past; I can understand why you "broke down". Please be good to yourself. ((((hugs)))))
  6. mouse

    mouse Well-Known Member

    Marlene, I am so sorry to hear about this. More stress,is never good Take some time for your self to feel better dont push yourself its not healthy-Ya its a good way to stay busy but not healthy. Take some Deep breaths, get informed of SILaws condition and then take an hour for you Just you--I'll pray for your SIL and you find comfort Marlene thats what I wish for you
  7. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

    So sorry to hear about your SIL, Marlene... try to rest and take care of yourself.
  8. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

    hey, marlene. hang in there, praying for you sil, and you!
  9. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Thanks all for the kinds words, thoughts and prayers. Last we heard, my SIL might go home as early as today.

    Being strong, being 'a rock'...until the wheels came off six months ago, that was me. Now instead of being able to handle life, it doesn't take much to just take me to my knees. And I'll be honest, sometimes I really hate myself for not being strong like I was before. I spent the first 17 years of my life being taught that perfection was expected. Then spent the next 20 years trying to live up to those expectation. Now in the last six months I'm trying to put myself back together and nothing's fitting like it used to. Everything's inside out and upside down.

    Discovering I'm human...yeah, been a real blast so far.

    BTW-sorry for the bitchiness. I woke up at 5:30am with a headache
  10. nov_silence

    nov_silence Well-Known Member

    I can't tell you how much I relate to this. It takes so much work (bc we want different for ourselves) to CHANGE. To flip the script that we had spent so much time and energy (on a variety of levels) investing in. It's like having a ton of stock in a company and then finding out it went under and not only did you lose everything, you are in the hole.

    I am not sure about the putting yourself back together bit. What is the vision driving this? The control freak you mentioned earlier? I feel that this process of healing is about finding, believing, and living what is really true... often times what we have relied on in the past doesn't provide a firm foundation for healing.

    As hard as healing is, I respect the fact that you share so much. As long as you continue to do good, hard work, true healing can continue to take place.

    Big Ups!
  11. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Control freak...yeah pretty much. What I've relied on in the past is comfortable and known, at least. And old habits are the hardest to break. Going into the unknown territory of finding my truth (like that quote from the 70's 'finding myself') is scary as hell.

    Having something so ingrained (for me-trying to be the perfect 'everything' to everyone) makes it difficult to remove. My poor husband has had more damp shoulders in the last few months as I've slogged through trying figure myself out. And I'm sure he'll have more in the months to come.

    You're right, change is work...hard, messy work. I should have bought stock in Kleenex!
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