My Diaries by FreeSoul

FreeSoul

Learning
I decided to make a single thread in which I will post my problems, experiences, solutions, happy moments of recovery (even if little), etc. so that I don't have to make a new thread every time I post something new.
 

FreeSoul

Learning
I wanted to share this on this forum but was really hesitant because I thought people would laugh at me and make fun of me. I typed this first on my computer on 25 December 2020, and didn’t post it until now. I built some courage and understanding, and finally decided to put it up on this forum.

Early 2019, I was sitting on my bed, possibly watching a series on my computer when I smelt something really foul. It was like rotten flesh, but really strong. The smell was so strong that I felt the rotten flesh was right in front of me. I looked in the kitchen and there was no meat left outside nor was there any smell.

I slept after some time.

In the morning, while still in sleep, I suddenly remembered reading couple of years ago that when there is an odour of rotten flesh, there is a spirit present around. I did some research and found some hymns used to treat spirit possession in my religion.

I listened to the hymns for about 10+ minutes, and my hands, legs, and neck started getting really stiff and twisted. I had never experienced anything like that before nor had heard of anything similar. I then started getting images of strange people, birds, and places in my mind. Some of the people were also talking and threatening me.

That’s when I realised and was confident that it was a spiritual attack, which we also call possession of one’s body by a spirit.

After talking to my father about it, which I was really hesitant to do because of my previous experiences with him, nearly a weak later we went to a spiritual healer with another person.

After doing the healing session, the spirit decided to leave me. Though I felt really shocked and didn’t even realise what had happened to me, I was satisfied that it was all over.

I went home, all confident that I was able to overcome a spiritual attack, and that from now onwards nothing can harm me any longer. I believe this confidence was due to the spiritual healer giving me assurance that he is there to protect me from any further spiritual attacks.

The next night, as I was sleeping deeply, I felt someone’s presence in the room, but wasn’t freaked out at first. But then, I suddenly started feeling really cold in the body, and felt as if I am dying and my soul is leaving my body. This whole experience may have lasted nearly 3-4 minutes, but felt like eternity. It took me few minutes to realise that I was being attacked by the spirit again, and it wasn’t my soul leaving my body, but the evil spirit playing mischief with me.

I started crying and prayed to God that I will never do anything wrong again. I hadn’t been praying in a long time, and I felt God was punishing me for it. I even sought God’s forgiveness for my mistakes and limitations.

The next morning, I went to my father again, and then decided to visit the spiritual healer once more. I was totally shaken by what had happened the previous night.

The spiritual healer again did the healing process, and things seemed to be sorted out after lots of drama.

I went home tired and weak due to what had happened the previous night, and the following psychological abuse and torture by the spirit at the healer’s place.

That night, my parents wanted me to sleep in the living room, and my mother too slept in that room. As I slept for a short time, I suddenly realised my body rose nearly one foot above the ground, and was resting only on my foot. Imagine this, I am lying on the carpet, and my body rises from the ground. I didn’t even feel any terror anymore, possibly because my mind had shut down and I was dissociating.

I then heard my mother call my name, and my body fell back on the ground. I recited a short prayer for protection from the spirit, and then I heard a voice in my mind “Ok, I am leaving”; as if the spirit was telling me that it was going to leave.

For the next few months, this spiritual abuse continued.

I went to the first spiritual healer and thought everything was sorted out, but I was wrong; not once, but nearly a dozen times. This guy – the healer, to protect his reputation, was gaslighting another patient of his, which also terrified me, and I thought he would accuse me of being a liar and a fraudster who is using this as an excuse to create drama or get attention.

Another spiritual healer whom my father knew, also turned out to be a con-artist, tried to gaslight me and made my father believe that I was lying, who also started to gaslight me.

I was in a denial until now, when I finally realised that my will-power and desire to do anything was broken due to continual abuse, attack, gaslighting, and minimizing.

I had lost complete hope of ever recovering from this issue and problem which I had been facing, and even gave up on treatment because I didn’t trust any treatment, besides having faith in God that God alone can cure me of this issue. So far, I have no idea how much improvement there has been. I still hear whispers in my mind where I am being abused, threatened, and constantly hear music and hymns, also in my mind.

I wish this to be over, if it isn’t over yet. I know one day everything will end.
 

FreeSoul

Learning
I noticed something in myself about 2 years back when I was travelling with my narcissistic father.
We were camping in a huge tent with about 200 other people. There were hundreds other such tents and the entire camping site, which spread over few hundred acres, was highly secured.
I was sick (severe headache) due to the air-conditioner in the tent. To avoid the cold air blowing from the air-conditioner, I went outside the tent and slept there because the weather outside the tent was really hot and more suitable for my cold. I was outside the entrance of the tent where my father could have seen me clearly had he looked for me; which he may have done and I may have even told him I was sick and needed to avoid the cold air-conditioner air blowing over me.
Remember, I was 35 years old then. As I mentioned earlier, the place was highly secure, and there was no way I was in danger.
I went to my tent to retrieve something, possibly something to cover myself. Of the other campers in our tent, there was this man, nearly the same age as my father, and was clearly a psychopath/sociopath. My father was sleeping next to this psycho, and the psycho, who was awake, saw me inside the tent and started poking his finger in my father's ribs to wake him up and told him "he is here".
I found this really irritating because by then, I had known that man was a psychopath/sociopath and I didn't like my father getting close to him, which he kept on doing. For some reason, he is really attracted to other narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths.
I left the tent quickly after I got my stuff.
Few moments later, my father came out and started telling me to get inside the tent and sleep there.
I didn't respond to him, and he left.
The rest of the night, I started feeling really neglected, violated, and abandoned because of what my father was making me to do; to avoid taking care of my own self because of that psycho creating tension between my father and me. For the rest of the night I could not sleep, and I must have stayed up until late hours of the morning, and could not even focus or concentrate on comforting myself, which I tried for the next few hours.
As I think of it now, I clearly believe that my sleeping problem that started probably in 2013 was due to his business partner, another narcissist, who has been trying to create tension between my father and me. They both got into a business partnership in 2010, and around that time, I also started to have suicidal thoughts.
I could not pinpoint the cause of me being unable to sleep at night; but I can now say that I may have found the cause of me staying awake at night, unable to sleep, or unable to remain sleep.
I hope to overcome this sleep problem, and also the stress that causes me to lose focus and concentration on my life due to neglect, abandonment, and psychological abuse.
 

FreeSoul

Learning
Ever since my father got into a business partnership with these 3 psychopaths/narcissists around the year 2010, I started to get suicidal thoughts. I was looking at different ways of committing suicide; and quite fortunately and by coincidence, I came across this book in 2010, The 50th Law by Robert Green, which prevented me from committing suicide.
From the year 2016/2017 onwards, I started to get extremely anxious. This is the year those narcissist/psychopath partners of my father started to bully me, intimidate me, and overtly started getting aggressive with me. Until then, they were very covert bullies, manipulators, and abusers.
From the year 2017, I noticed I started wincing when I heard firecrackers or somebody hammering on any surface. I even started to wince at tiny things such as a pen dropping or hearing a drop of water dripping in the bathroom when I was in my bedroom.
I started to get heavily affected when I heard other men talk loudly, walk aggressively, and look at me in an aggressive manner. I noticed I even got anxious and worried seeing pictures of men with dominant or aggressive personality in newspapers.
As their business partnership grew stronger and the 3 narcissistic partners (3 brothers) got firm hold over the business, they overtly started to bully everyone in the business, including me. That’s when I started to get aggressive and wished for one of the partners to die in a car accident. I never got thoughts of someone else dying until then.
I could not understand why I was unable to concentrate and focus on my own life. I could not focus on reading books which I could do earlier. I could not watch a TV series without pausing and concentrating on another thing, which I could watch earlier.
This may have started in 2016 and continued until 2018, but I continue to suffer even today. I cannot watch a small video of 14 minutes without pausing it and concentrating on another video, book, or look elsewhere. I cannot read a book for more than few minutes; and even when I read, I misread lines which I didn’t do earlier.
My thoughts have become like this too. I tend to think about something, even really important tasks, for a really short period of time, after which, I cannot concentrate or focus even when I try to motivate myself; which I didn’t seem to suffer earlier.
I could also be suffering concentration and focus problem due to my father’s constant betrayal during the times I was trying to start my own business in the year 2017. More on this in another post.
At the moment, I am liking my independence of being away from my father and other family members, whom he uses as flying monkeys; but wish that there was someone who I could love, talk to, and care for.
Loving, caring, and seeking advice for self-development has become extremely difficult after so many experiences of betrayal, abuse, and neglect. I wish to get over from the negative beliefs I have become accustomed to having about myself and about the world.
 
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