Childhood My father and I used to french kiss and I wonder if there may be more? It's hard to focus and I feel really alone

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Emma12345

This has been bothering me more and more lately as I try to unpack my tendency to compulsively engage in risky sexual behavior with strangers, even though I don't get sexual satisfaction, purely as a way to prop up my self esteem. I have compulsively stripped/masturbated for old men on omegle since I was 15, gone out to bars alone in slutty outfits, had unprotected anal sex with men twice my age, put myself in life threatening situations, etc. and also to actively pretend like I'm enjoying things that hurt and/or give me no satisfaction, even with men who would gladly respect my boundaries if I told them.

Essentially, when I was little, probably anywhere from the ages of 4 to 9, my dad and I used to french kiss. It was just part of a playful "game" we used to play. I keep wondering though if he did more than just kiss me? I don't have hardly any memories from my childhood besides memories of school/friends. I don't remember my parents or my house or anything.
Anyway, I used to repeat the kissing thing by passionately making out and french kissing one of my female classmates in kindergarten. We did it all the time, almost compulsively, though in secret (somehow, we both knew it was "wrong" and needed to be hidden).
I know my my father's father (my grandfather) physically abused all the kids and raped his daughter (my aunt and my dad's sister) when she was very young. I've always wondered if he did something to my dad too because my mom always complains that he never wanted to have sex with her and also that he didn't want kids in the first place. My dad claims that he is asexual but he also once said that he thought he was gay and that he had hired a male prostitute to "f*ck him up the ass" (he later denied that that was true but knowing my dad, I think it could have been true). He just generally led a double life my mom and I did not know about for years until he confessed it all later. He'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night, go to bars, have affairs, do drugs etc. but pretended to be a regular family man the rest of the time.
Before high school I have very very few memories of home. I remember school and friends a little but I cannot remember hanging out with my family or really anything that happened. I have almost zero sense of a timeline and cannot pin down events to ages. Everything is a blur. I don't even really remember what my bedroom or hous(es) looked like. (Once, when we moved houses, we visited the old one a year after moving and my mom was alarmed because I couldn't remember what room used to be mine. I always wondered if that was like amnesia or something?)
Also, I've felt really awkward and anxious around him ever since adolescence. Even though he is way kinder to me than my mother, who can be pretty abusive if I'm being honest, I can't stand it when he shows me any affection, even just normal fatherly affection. I hate it when he touches me in any way or tells me he loves me or buys me gifts. My anxiety just shoots through the roof by looking at him and I cannot look him in the eye though I can't articulate why. My friends and my therapist have suggested I go and live with him when they hear about the abusiveness of my mother but I would never in a million years want to. I haven't even been able to talk to him on the phone in three years, even though I feel like I should. Just hearing his voice makes me cringe. The sweeter and more timid he sounds, the worse. I've only seen him a couple times in the past three years and every time I do my anxiety is so bad and I just feel so completely uncomfortable and want it to end. Even in high school, before my parents split, I begged my mom not to make me do anything alone with my dad. Even a car ride to school with him was so uncomfortable and I hated it. I'd have to force myself to be nice to him.
There are other signs. I'm sure many of these are just normal and I'm reading too much into it but I wanted to share anyways:
I used to have this very frequent burning/itching sensation around my genitals I remember vividly. It also often hurt to urinate and I remember my having yeast infections, though my mom says she doesn't remember this. It's gross to say, but it burned so bad sometimes I remember my mom would "blow" air on my privates, or else fan them, and the coolness would help me feel better for a moment. I also once remember my grandma putting this ointment on my genitals to help soothe some rash and she started telling me that if anyone else ever touched me here I should scream as loud as I could for help. I was also kicked out preschool for having accidents.
When I was VERY young, I used to have these bizarre "fantasies" and daydreams about being tied up and stripped of all my clothes and then verbally humiliated, usually in front a large crowd of people. I don't remember these fantasies being explicitly sexual, as in involving penetration, but they did involved being tied up with ones legs and arms spread far apart and the feeling I got when I thought about them was sexual arousal. The idea of being completely vulnerable, as well as humiliated, turned me on even as a very very young child (and still does). Whenever I played with my baby doll I used to take of its clothes and physically abuse it.
When my mom would work during the summer and leave me with my dad all day I'd cry and cry and cry as she was leaving. I felt soooo abandoned by her and sad. I'd do anything to keep her from leaving me. (I had extreme separation anxiety with my mother and can vividly remember how ANGRY and MISERABLE I was when she left me with either my dad or my grandparents). I used to be unable to sleep in my own bed/without my mom + lots of stuffed animals. I just couldn't do it. I hated sleeping without my mom. I remember once my punishment for drawing on the wall with a crayon was sleeping alone and I was so scared the whole night. I just sobbed and sobbed.
When I was in kindergarten I once, at school, drew a picture of my dad in the shower with a very visible penis (though not erect, if I'm remembering correctly). My mom was concerned when I showed it to her. I was also obsessed with drawing the naked female body with big large breasts and hips and their legs were always spread apart wide. I don't know where I would have seen this. I knew it was wrong though because I was very careful to hide the drawings from my parents. I'd tear them out of my notebook and throw them away as soon as I was done yet I couldn't stop. It felt compulsive and sexually arousing but also embarrassing and shameful.
Besides the french kissing thing, my dad did other very minor things that I hated, like hold me down and tickle me as I screamed and screamed. I used to shriek and scream at the top of my lungs "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!!!" and he wouldn't stop. He also used to crack/pop my does and I'd BEG him not to but he never listened. It actually hurt pretty badly when he did this and I'd get so mad at him but he loved it. He also used to playfully slap my butt, even when I was an adolescent, in a way that made me feel really uncomfortable, as well as stroke my hair in a way I couldn't stand but didn't know why. It made like an animal and he was "petting" me or something.
I also remember around this time (preschool to early elementary school) I used to fall out of the bed a lot. I'd wake up on the floor sometimes, and I think I'd have small cuts on my head and stuff from falling. Maybe I'm making this up but I vaguely remember my father coming into my room and telling me I'd fallen out of bed again? This could be entirely untrue. The weird thing is when I asked/told my mom about this she had absolutely ZERO memory of my falling out of the bed phase which I thought was a pretty big thing.
I've sort of cut off most contact with my dad after my parents split because I cannot stand him for some reason and my mom also doesn't really want me to have a relationship with him because she feels its a betrayal. Anyway, I recently found out he's been essentially cyber stalking me (i'm 22 by the way). Through looking at my activity on my email and facebook, I can see he has been logging into my email and facebook from his phone and computer (I know this because I can see the location and he lives in a different state than my mom and I). He logs in multiple times a day. It's really kind of weird to me.
Gosh, this was horrendously long and rambling. I guess if anyone could help me out here I'd be so grateful. I fear I might be going crazy. Does this sound like my dad could have abused me or am I just being crazy? If any kind soul took the time to read this you are a saint. It honestly just feels good to get it all out.
 

Cypress

Confident
I think your dad abused you. Do you have a therapist or other support? Are you safe or working on being safe?
 

bellbird

Sponsor
This was incredibly brave of you to write, Emma. And no apologies for long and rambley; sometimes that's the only way we can get things out.. I do it too -- I just give my mind a swift kick to get it started, and then let the momentum take it where it needs to from there.

I want to let you know that I believe you. And that you didn't deserve any of that abuse.

Do you have support around you IRL?
I'm glad you've found this forum, and I hope you'll be able to find some support in this community, too.

And do you have a PTSD diagnosis, or suspect that you have one?
I only ask because while we have a sub-forum for childhood trauma, we are primarily a PTSD forum and so that is where the wealth of our collective knowledge lies.
Anyway, I recently found out he's been essentially cyber stalking me (i'm 22 by the way). Through looking at my activity on my email and facebook, I can see he has been logging into my email and facebook from his phone and computer
It sounds like you need to change all of your passwords to your online accounts, asap.
 

XXbabydollXX

Learning
This has been bothering me more and more lately as I try to unpack my tendency to compulsively engage in risky sexual behavior with strangers, even though I don't get sexual satisfaction, purely as a way to prop up my self esteem. I have compulsively stripped/masturbated for old men on omegle since I was 15, gone out to bars alone in slutty outfits, had unprotected anal sex with men twice my age, put myself in life threatening situations, etc. and also to actively pretend like I'm enjoying things that hurt and/or give me no satisfaction, even with men who would gladly respect my boundaries if I told them.

Essentially, when I was little, probably anywhere from the ages of 4 to 9, my dad and I used to french kiss. It was just part of a playful "game" we used to play. I keep wondering though if he did more than just kiss me? I don't have hardly any memories from my childhood besides memories of school/friends. I don't remember my parents or my house or anything.
Anyway, I used to repeat the kissing thing by passionately making out and french kissing one of my female classmates in kindergarten. We did it all the time, almost compulsively, though in secret (somehow, we both knew it was "wrong" and needed to be hidden).
I know my my father's father (my grandfather) physically abused all the kids and raped his daughter (my aunt and my dad's sister) when she was very young. I've always wondered if he did something to my dad too because my mom always complains that he never wanted to have sex with her and also that he didn't want kids in the first place. My dad claims that he is asexual but he also once said that he thought he was gay and that he had hired a male prostitute to "f*ck him up the ass" (he later denied that that was true but knowing my dad, I think it could have been true). He just generally led a double life my mom and I did not know about for years until he confessed it all later. He'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night, go to bars, have affairs, do drugs etc. but pretended to be a regular family man the rest of the time.
Before high school I have very very few memories of home. I remember school and friends a little but I cannot remember hanging out with my family or really anything that happened. I have almost zero sense of a timeline and cannot pin down events to ages. Everything is a blur. I don't even really remember what my bedroom or hous(es) looked like. (Once, when we moved houses, we visited the old one a year after moving and my mom was alarmed because I couldn't remember what room used to be mine. I always wondered if that was like amnesia or something?)
Also, I've felt really awkward and anxious around him ever since adolescence. Even though he is way kinder to me than my mother, who can be pretty abusive if I'm being honest, I can't stand it when he shows me any affection, even just normal fatherly affection. I hate it when he touches me in any way or tells me he loves me or buys me gifts. My anxiety just shoots through the roof by looking at him and I cannot look him in the eye though I can't articulate why. My friends and my therapist have suggested I go and live with him when they hear about the abusiveness of my mother but I would never in a million years want to. I haven't even been able to talk to him on the phone in three years, even though I feel like I should. Just hearing his voice makes me cringe. The sweeter and more timid he sounds, the worse. I've only seen him a couple times in the past three years and every time I do my anxiety is so bad and I just feel so completely uncomfortable and want it to end. Even in high school, before my parents split, I begged my mom not to make me do anything alone with my dad. Even a car ride to school with him was so uncomfortable and I hated it. I'd have to force myself to be nice to him.
There are other signs. I'm sure many of these are just normal and I'm reading too much into it but I wanted to share anyways:
I used to have this very frequent burning/itching sensation around my genitals I remember vividly. It also often hurt to urinate and I remember my having yeast infections, though my mom says she doesn't remember this. It's gross to say, but it burned so bad sometimes I remember my mom would "blow" air on my privates, or else fan them, and the coolness would help me feel better for a moment. I also once remember my grandma putting this ointment on my genitals to help soothe some rash and she started telling me that if anyone else ever touched me here I should scream as loud as I could for help. I was also kicked out preschool for having accidents.
When I was VERY young, I used to have these bizarre "fantasies" and daydreams about being tied up and stripped of all my clothes and then verbally humiliated, usually in front a large crowd of people. I don't remember these fantasies being explicitly sexual, as in involving penetration, but they did involved being tied up with ones legs and arms spread far apart and the feeling I got when I thought about them was sexual arousal. The idea of being completely vulnerable, as well as humiliated, turned me on even as a very very young child (and still does). Whenever I played with my baby doll I used to take of its clothes and physically abuse it.
When my mom would work during the summer and leave me with my dad all day I'd cry and cry and cry as she was leaving. I felt soooo abandoned by her and sad. I'd do anything to keep her from leaving me. (I had extreme separation anxiety with my mother and can vividly remember how ANGRY and MISERABLE I was when she left me with either my dad or my grandparents). I used to be unable to sleep in my own bed/without my mom + lots of stuffed animals. I just couldn't do it. I hated sleeping without my mom. I remember once my punishment for drawing on the wall with a crayon was sleeping alone and I was so scared the whole night. I just sobbed and sobbed.
When I was in kindergarten I once, at school, drew a picture of my dad in the shower with a very visible penis (though not erect, if I'm remembering correctly). My mom was concerned when I showed it to her. I was also obsessed with drawing the naked female body with big large breasts and hips and their legs were always spread apart wide. I don't know where I would have seen this. I knew it was wrong though because I was very careful to hide the drawings from my parents. I'd tear them out of my notebook and throw them away as soon as I was done yet I couldn't stop. It felt compulsive and sexually arousing but also embarrassing and shameful.
Besides the french kissing thing, my dad did other very minor things that I hated, like hold me down and tickle me as I screamed and screamed. I used to shriek and scream at the top of my lungs "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!!!" and he wouldn't stop. He also used to crack/pop my does and I'd BEG him not to but he never listened. It actually hurt pretty badly when he did this and I'd get so mad at him but he loved it. He also used to playfully slap my butt, even when I was an adolescent, in a way that made me feel really uncomfortable, as well as stroke my hair in a way I couldn't stand but didn't know why. It made like an animal and he was "petting" me or something.
I also remember around this time (preschool to early elementary school) I used to fall out of the bed a lot. I'd wake up on the floor sometimes, and I think I'd have small cuts on my head and stuff from falling. Maybe I'm making this up but I vaguely remember my father coming into my room and telling me I'd fallen out of bed again? This could be entirely untrue. The weird thing is when I asked/told my mom about this she had absolutely ZERO memory of my falling out of the bed phase which I thought was a pretty big thing.
I've sort of cut off most contact with my dad after my parents split because I cannot stand him for some reason and my mom also doesn't really want me to have a relationship with him because she feels its a betrayal. Anyway, I recently found out he's been essentially cyber stalking me (i'm 22 by the way). Through looking at my activity on my email and facebook, I can see he has been logging into my email and facebook from his phone and computer (I know this because I can see the location and he lives in a different state than my mom and I). He logs in multiple times a day. It's really kind of weird to me.
Gosh, this was horrendously long and rambling. I guess if anyone could help me out here I'd be so grateful. I fear I might be going crazy. Does this sound like my dad could have abused me or am I just being crazy? If any kind soul took the time to read this you are a saint. It honestly just feels good to get it all out.
I believe he definitely abused you. The spanking thing sounds like some of the f*cked up shit that was done to me. As a kid I would have accidents and do things with toys that kids shouldn’t be doing. I’m open to talk with u if you want to. I’m 19 btw.
 

TraumaMama

New Here
Hi there. I’m sorry for what you went through/are going through. Yes, I definitely think your dad abused you. Hopefully you’re seeing a therapist. I was sexually abused as well, by my grandfather. It got to the point where I tried to commit suicide.
 

techbrain

New Here
This has been bothering me more and more lately as I try to unpack my tendency to compulsively engage in risky sexual behavior with strangers, even though I don't get sexual satisfaction, purely as a way to prop up my self esteem. I have compulsively stripped/masturbated for old men on omegle since I was 15, gone out to bars alone in slutty outfits, had unprotected anal sex with men twice my age, put myself in life threatening situations, etc. and also to actively pretend like I'm enjoying things that hurt and/or give me no satisfaction, even with men who would gladly respect my boundaries if I told them.

Essentially, when I was little, probably anywhere from the ages of 4 to 9, my dad and I used to french kiss. It was just part of a playful "game" we used to play. I keep wondering though if he did more than just kiss me? I don't have hardly any memories from my childhood besides memories of school/friends. I don't remember my parents or my house or anything.
Anyway, I used to repeat the kissing thing by passionately making out and french kissing one of my female classmates in kindergarten. We did it all the time, almost compulsively, though in secret (somehow, we both knew it was "wrong" and needed to be hidden).
I know my my father's father (my grandfather) physically abused all the kids and raped his daughter (my aunt and my dad's sister) when she was very young. I've always wondered if he did something to my dad too because my mom always complains that he never wanted to have sex with her and also that he didn't want kids in the first place. My dad claims that he is asexual but he also once said that he thought he was gay and that he had hired a male prostitute to "f*ck him up the ass" (he later denied that that was true but knowing my dad, I think it could have been true). He just generally led a double life my mom and I did not know about for years until he confessed it all later. He'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night, go to bars, have affairs, do drugs etc. but pretended to be a regular family man the rest of the time.
Before high school I have very very few memories of home. I remember school and friends a little but I cannot remember hanging out with my family or really anything that happened. I have almost zero sense of a timeline and cannot pin down events to ages. Everything is a blur. I don't even really remember what my bedroom or hous(es) looked like. (Once, when we moved houses, we visited the old one a year after moving and my mom was alarmed because I couldn't remember what room used to be mine. I always wondered if that was like amnesia or something?)
Also, I've felt really awkward and anxious around him ever since adolescence. Even though he is way kinder to me than my mother, who can be pretty abusive if I'm being honest, I can't stand it when he shows me any affection, even just normal fatherly affection. I hate it when he touches me in any way or tells me he loves me or buys me gifts. My anxiety just shoots through the roof by looking at him and I cannot look him in the eye though I can't articulate why. My friends and my therapist have suggested I go and live with him when they hear about the abusiveness of my mother but I would never in a million years want to. I haven't even been able to talk to him on the phone in three years, even though I feel like I should. Just hearing his voice makes me cringe. The sweeter and more timid he sounds, the worse. I've only seen him a couple times in the past three years and every time I do my anxiety is so bad and I just feel so completely uncomfortable and want it to end. Even in high school, before my parents split, I begged my mom not to make me do anything alone with my dad. Even a car ride to school with him was so uncomfortable and I hated it. I'd have to force myself to be nice to him.
There are other signs. I'm sure many of these are just normal and I'm reading too much into it but I wanted to share anyways:
I used to have this very frequent burning/itching sensation around my genitals I remember vividly. It also often hurt to urinate and I remember my having yeast infections, though my mom says she doesn't remember this. It's gross to say, but it burned so bad sometimes I remember my mom would "blow" air on my privates, or else fan them, and the coolness would help me feel better for a moment. I also once remember my grandma putting this ointment on my genitals to help soothe some rash and she started telling me that if anyone else ever touched me here I should scream as loud as I could for help. I was also kicked out preschool for having accidents.
When I was VERY young, I used to have these bizarre "fantasies" and daydreams about being tied up and stripped of all my clothes and then verbally humiliated, usually in front a large crowd of people. I don't remember these fantasies being explicitly sexual, as in involving penetration, but they did involved being tied up with ones legs and arms spread far apart and the feeling I got when I thought about them was sexual arousal. The idea of being completely vulnerable, as well as humiliated, turned me on even as a very very young child (and still does). Whenever I played with my baby doll I used to take of its clothes and physically abuse it.
When my mom would work during the summer and leave me with my dad all day I'd cry and cry and cry as she was leaving. I felt soooo abandoned by her and sad. I'd do anything to keep her from leaving me. (I had extreme separation anxiety with my mother and can vividly remember how ANGRY and MISERABLE I was when she left me with either my dad or my grandparents). I used to be unable to sleep in my own bed/without my mom + lots of stuffed animals. I just couldn't do it. I hated sleeping without my mom. I remember once my punishment for drawing on the wall with a crayon was sleeping alone and I was so scared the whole night. I just sobbed and sobbed.
When I was in kindergarten I once, at school, drew a picture of my dad in the shower with a very visible penis (though not erect, if I'm remembering correctly). My mom was concerned when I showed it to her. I was also obsessed with drawing the naked female body with big large breasts and hips and their legs were always spread apart wide. I don't know where I would have seen this. I knew it was wrong though because I was very careful to hide the drawings from my parents. I'd tear them out of my notebook and throw them away as soon as I was done yet I couldn't stop. It felt compulsive and sexually arousing but also embarrassing and shameful.
Besides the french kissing thing, my dad did other very minor things that I hated, like hold me down and tickle me as I screamed and screamed. I used to shriek and scream at the top of my lungs "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!!!" and he wouldn't stop. He also used to crack/pop my does and I'd BEG him not to but he never listened. It actually hurt pretty badly when he did this and I'd get so mad at him but he loved it. He also used to playfully slap my butt, even when I was an adolescent, in a way that made me feel really uncomfortable, as well as stroke my hair in a way I couldn't stand but didn't know why. It made like an animal and he was "petting" me or something.
I also remember around this time (preschool to early elementary school) I used to fall out of the bed a lot. I'd wake up on the floor sometimes, and I think I'd have small cuts on my head and stuff from falling. Maybe I'm making this up but I vaguely remember my father coming into my room and telling me I'd fallen out of bed again? This could be entirely untrue. The weird thing is when I asked/told my mom about this she had absolutely ZERO memory of my falling out of the bed phase which I thought was a pretty big thing.
I've sort of cut off most contact with my dad after my parents split because I cannot stand him for some reason and my mom also doesn't really want me to have a relationship with him because she feels its a betrayal. Anyway, I recently found out he's been essentially cyber stalking me (i'm 22 by the way). Through looking at my activity on my email and facebook, I can see he has been logging into my email and facebook from his phone and computer (I know this because I can see the location and he lives in a different state than my mom and I). He logs in multiple times a day. It's really kind of weird to me.
Gosh, this was horrendously long and rambling. I guess if anyone could help me out here I'd be so grateful. I fear I might be going crazy. Does this sound like my dad could have abused me or am I just being crazy? If any kind soul took the time to read this you are a saint. It honestly just feels good to get it all out.


My brother abused me for many years, and yet I can only remember 3 or 4 events, and even those VERY difficultly.. So I'd say it's quite possible as you were even younger than me that you just don't remeber it. The weird sexualisation at a young age, getting arroused of stuff you shouldn't even be aware off is a real homerun for me, i have something very similiar. I hope you get some support *hug*
 

Lucycat

Sponsor
Well done Emma for sharing incredibly difficult experiences. I remember telling ,my now husband never to leave me alone with my father. He didn't ask why and I made it clear I was not in a position to explain.

It all came out many years later, and even that small phrase ' don't leave me alone' was used in evidence.

If it feels wrong then it was wrong. Don't worry about the details, your mind has decided that you don't need to remember it all.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
That was a brave post and I am sorry for everythign you are dealing with.

I have to be honest and say I didn't read everything. Not at all your fault, I just wasn't able to focus. But, what I did read sounded very much like things in my own life. No one can say for sure what your dad did. However, we can say you experienced abuse and there are lots of signs in your post that there is more abuse than you currently remember. For me, I have uncovered more memories, or understood the bits of memory I have had with therapy. One of the things I really wanted from my family was confirmation of what my dad did and they wouldn't do that. They either denied my memories, insisted they were wrong or said it was a long time ago and I was misinterpreting. I can't tell you how many things were passed off as "a game".

I ache for you and am glad you have mostly cut contact with him. I hope you can change your passwords and otherwise block him from your life and get the healing you need.
 
M

MarshaMyWords

I've sort of cut off most contact with my dad after my parents split because I cannot stand him for some reason and my mom also doesn't really want me to have a relationship with him because she feels its a betrayal. Anyway, I recently found out he's been essentially cyber stalking me (i'm 22 by the way). Through looking at my activity on my email and facebook, I can see he has been logging into my email and facebook from his phone and computer (I know this because I can see the location and he lives in a different state than my mom and I). He logs in multiple times a day. It's really kind of weird to me.
.

I'm sure it's something you're probably aware of, but just in case; but please, please block him, change ALL your passwords to new difficult ones with combinations of letters and numbers and report this to police.
You are in danger.

You should also report the security violations of your accounts to the hosts (such as Google for Gmail) and they can help you to better secure your account. Certain tracking programs and apps do exist and may be in your computer or phone - either I, or someone who is knowledgeable in tech can help you search for and remove any such threats from your devices. If you do not have Google, it is a good email provider for it's up-to-date security features. You should have it or a comparable one, so you can choose more than one option for securing your devices, (such as a computer login prompting you to give access through your phone, as well). It might seem like overkill or paranoia - it is NOT. It might seem like a hassle - it is worth it.

I know it may not seem plausible, but from what you've said he is highly capable of harming you as well as obsessed with you. He is highly dangerous. I do have PTSD, (diagnosed from my prior trauma) and I can relate.

I will help you in any way I can. I will help you talk to police, if you want help. I am female.

This post is so good because it allows you to vent and reaches out to help others, just by reading it even if they don't comment - who have had the same or similar experiences, (and there are many, you are not alone). This is an amazing share, thank you from me and from those who cannot talk about it, right now, but whom are helped by reading this.
 
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