I want to elaborate on this because it ties into my trauma.even though they broke up with me like a spineless coward would.
They broke up with me like this:
So as you can imagine, that really f*cked with my head, and my heart. It also f*cked with my head that, they came back a week later. I had heard nothing. We had sex. THEN afterwards (!) I find out that they have considered themselves broken up with me for the whole time they have been gone, and it just made me collapse to the floor crying, bawling. I never would have had sex that day if I knew that. I felt like I had been used for a quick cheap thrill by them. It really hurt. I felt used. They left. Never returned. They acted like they didn't get why I was so upset. My heart felt ripped out.
It was not very long after that, that I began communicating with my abuser, and met him IRL, and started hanging out with him, and then got into a relationship with him. I feel like I was plugging that hole in my heart, when I got with him. It really did feel like that, emotionally. It masked my sorrows, at how I had been so hurt, by the last person I was with. What I didn't know, was that I would get hurt so much more by the next person.
I know you said it's embarrssing, but it's not you who should be embarrssed about it.
I know but, it's so hard to make myself feel that way, it's so hard to make myself feel like I don't bear some sort of responsibility for it, it's so hard to not feel embarrassed that that stuff went on. I don't even know if I will be able to get the words out to her. Last time, it was on my mind, and I was about to, I was wanting to, I had a nice long pause, and I was working up the courage to say something about it. But, I couldn't, and just let her start talking about stuff, and talked about other things with her, which of course was still helpful because it was about other stuff that was bothering me a lot, but, still. I couldn't bring myself to do it, and part of that was because it started making me feel a lump in my throat.
I understand what you are going through.
Thanks for saying that.