saraemerald
MyPTSD Pro
I've had OCD since my late teens. It coincided with my diagnosis of PTSD although I was not diagnosed with OCD. I always kept that part hidden. Sexual fears and obtrusive thoughts are not something easy to talk about to anyone.
Anyways, once I got baptised as a JW ( Jehovah's Witness), I don't remember when exactly the intrusive thoughts started. But for me, acknowledging I had trauma helped me recognise what could be triggering my thoughts so although they bothered me, I found a way of distracting myself by keeping very busy, always praying and studying and following all of the requirements of being a JW plus some. Being a very, "good JW", helped me feel better about myself and my thoughts. I also worked very hard at being positive no matter what and having strong faith, Being responsible, helping people, healing from trauma and PTSD.
Until, one single day, the cards fell. I thought a terrible thought on purpose towards god in prayer, and from that single moment on, could not fathom how I could think such a thought and felt distanced from god. This initiated a self-shaming spiral downward.
OCD sucks! It led me on a downward spiral never experienced in my life before and so bizarre. I stupidly did the opposite and started being extremely negative to myself, shaming myself for thinking such a thought and desperately trying to find what could have triggered me to think such a thought. Which led to ruminating which I never did before. I always moved forward and now my brain won't let this stupid thing go...
So I feel like being a 'good JW' and following all of the strict rules of the religion kept me on the straight and narrow all the time and helped me cope with my thoughts, but as soon as I had any bit of resistance about the faith and 'ALWAYS being a good jw' all of that reassurance went out the window. And eventually I actually left the faith even though that was never my intentions initially and was DFed. But my process out was filled with self-sabotage and shame over that one thought and lack of help or understanding from my friends in the religion, whom I eventually lost anyways because of the shunning practice of that church which made my ordeal and trying to recover even worse.
Plus being new to the world around me outside the JW bubble
Anyways, once I got baptised as a JW ( Jehovah's Witness), I don't remember when exactly the intrusive thoughts started. But for me, acknowledging I had trauma helped me recognise what could be triggering my thoughts so although they bothered me, I found a way of distracting myself by keeping very busy, always praying and studying and following all of the requirements of being a JW plus some. Being a very, "good JW", helped me feel better about myself and my thoughts. I also worked very hard at being positive no matter what and having strong faith, Being responsible, helping people, healing from trauma and PTSD.
Until, one single day, the cards fell. I thought a terrible thought on purpose towards god in prayer, and from that single moment on, could not fathom how I could think such a thought and felt distanced from god. This initiated a self-shaming spiral downward.
OCD sucks! It led me on a downward spiral never experienced in my life before and so bizarre. I stupidly did the opposite and started being extremely negative to myself, shaming myself for thinking such a thought and desperately trying to find what could have triggered me to think such a thought. Which led to ruminating which I never did before. I always moved forward and now my brain won't let this stupid thing go...
So I feel like being a 'good JW' and following all of the strict rules of the religion kept me on the straight and narrow all the time and helped me cope with my thoughts, but as soon as I had any bit of resistance about the faith and 'ALWAYS being a good jw' all of that reassurance went out the window. And eventually I actually left the faith even though that was never my intentions initially and was DFed. But my process out was filled with self-sabotage and shame over that one thought and lack of help or understanding from my friends in the religion, whom I eventually lost anyways because of the shunning practice of that church which made my ordeal and trying to recover even worse.
Plus being new to the world around me outside the JW bubble