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OCD My former religion (high control group) helped me with OCD?

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saraemerald

MyPTSD Pro
I've had OCD since my late teens. It coincided with my diagnosis of PTSD although I was not diagnosed with OCD. I always kept that part hidden. Sexual fears and obtrusive thoughts are not something easy to talk about to anyone.

Anyways, once I got baptised as a JW ( Jehovah's Witness), I don't remember when exactly the intrusive thoughts started. But for me, acknowledging I had trauma helped me recognise what could be triggering my thoughts so although they bothered me, I found a way of distracting myself by keeping very busy, always praying and studying and following all of the requirements of being a JW plus some. Being a very, "good JW", helped me feel better about myself and my thoughts. I also worked very hard at being positive no matter what and having strong faith, Being responsible, helping people, healing from trauma and PTSD.

Until, one single day, the cards fell. I thought a terrible thought on purpose towards god in prayer, and from that single moment on, could not fathom how I could think such a thought and felt distanced from god. This initiated a self-shaming spiral downward.

OCD sucks! It led me on a downward spiral never experienced in my life before and so bizarre. I stupidly did the opposite and started being extremely negative to myself, shaming myself for thinking such a thought and desperately trying to find what could have triggered me to think such a thought. Which led to ruminating which I never did before. I always moved forward and now my brain won't let this stupid thing go...

So I feel like being a 'good JW' and following all of the strict rules of the religion kept me on the straight and narrow all the time and helped me cope with my thoughts, but as soon as I had any bit of resistance about the faith and 'ALWAYS being a good jw' all of that reassurance went out the window. And eventually I actually left the faith even though that was never my intentions initially and was DFed. But my process out was filled with self-sabotage and shame over that one thought and lack of help or understanding from my friends in the religion, whom I eventually lost anyways because of the shunning practice of that church which made my ordeal and trying to recover even worse.

Plus being new to the world around me outside the JW bubble
 
It sounds a little like you put all your coping in 1 basket. Unfortunately the basket was poisoned so not only did you find yourself with no place for your coping when you left it you were also left with other additional stuff to deal with.

Have you tried ACT, DBT or other types of self caring therapies?
 
It sounds a little like you put all your coping in 1 basket. Unfortunately the basket was poisoned so not only did you find yourself with no place for your coping when you left it you were also left with other additional stuff to deal with.

Have you tried ACT, DBT or other types of self caring therapies?
I am doing EMDR for trauma. And my shame is coming from this: I knew how to face my intrusive thoughts before but since this time, I thought a thought on purpose, like I was texting god and his holy spirit, I couldn't let out go because this was different, so I beat myself up thinking something was somehow wrong with me
 
It sounds like its mostly the trauma feelings coming up. I hope you can find a way to be self compassionate. I know I haven't commented specifically on the OCD. I hear what you are saying. Simplistically OCD is a way of dealing with anxiety so you can defitinely build up other ways of responding to it. Well done on the EMDR
 
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I found a way of distracting myself by keeping very busy, always praying and studying and following all of the requirements of being a JW plus some.
That's the problem with this type of thing. It really is a distractionary tactic and because it is bound to an external thing/event/(noun), it can disappear (Poof!) in an instant and we crumble again.

This is why it is best (my opinion) to nourish that love in ourselves. It takes work and it takes time and it is huge to be able to allow ourselves love rather than throw it everywhere and to everyone else. I think it is the only true way of healing though.

I say text god back and tell him it was a weak moment. Ask forgiveness and ask him to help you learn how to pour all that energy you had into loving yourself.
 
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