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My friend suicided last week, i'm numb & sad & all over the place

Discussion in 'Death' started by mumstheword, Mar 24, 2018.

  1. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    It was so unexpected. He was involved with my bestie but clearly had c-ptsd going on as he shared with us his horrendous childhood. A dynamic, honourable, very authentic and decent man. I think she was out of depth with her own mental illness and medication issues and dependency needs and he was out of depth with her needs, his health issues and a toxic enmeshment situation with his older sister who he had been relying on as his health had been very dicey for some, many years.

    I saw so many things in him that I could totally relate too. I trusted him but it was complicated, he was my besties boyfriend. I wish relationships between people of opposites sex's wasn't so complicated because of the obvious issues. I just wanted to get to know him better, offer him more peer support, friendship and understanding but it got awkward when he and my bestie were all push-pull, on again, off again.

    I hadn't been very well myself, I went into hospital. I wish oh how I wish i had checked in with him when I got out and really connected with him. I feel so much regret, guilt, grief, shame, hurt, ripped off, lost, frightened of losing even.more people to suicide. We have really, really, really high rates here and I have 7 children. I'm feeling kinda terrified of this repeating itself with more friends and even though my family aren't prone, no one has succumbed, my parents, myself and many of my children have all had suicidal ideation.
     
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  3. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    Hugs.
     
    mumstheword and Supervixn like this.
  4. Swift

    Swift I'm a VIP

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    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    It is not in any way your fault. C-PTSD is an absolute b*stard disease. There is probably nothing you could have done, he lost his battle with a terrible disease.
    Keep us posted if you need any support.
     
  5. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

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    I'm so very, very sorry that you are going through this.... It's so so sad....

    But this isn't on you. You don't get to take responsibility for his choices. It's always easy to look back and think "what could I have done differently?" Too often the answer is...nothing. You have your hands full with your own recovery and keeping yourself safe for yourself and your kids, and that needs to be your priority because they are counting on you. And in the past you had to respect the boundaries of the relationship between him and your friend.

    I'm so very, very sad that this has happened and I do understand the worry that it might happen again. But it's not your fault.
     
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  6. somerandomguy

    somerandomguy Learning how to be myself Premium Member Donated

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    I'm so sorry for your loss.
     
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  7. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

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    Even if you had checked on it, it may not have done anything. Then you'd still be regretful -- maybe on a different day or hour, or something... but the point is, this is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong that caused this.

    Hugs. I'm so sorry for your loss
     
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  8. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    Thank you everyone, for your kind, warm support. It really helps.:hug:
     
    littleoc and Freida like this.
  9. Muttly

    Muttly I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    I'm so sorry for you. I have been through it. I have had it were my mental health problems were so much I wasn't really in my friend's life and then wished I could have been there for him. My not so good therapist, who I was seeing at the time, did say one thing that was helpful. The guilt, is a sign you cared. It doesn't mean you failed your friend, it means you wished you were able to help.

    I hope you keep talking. Grief is a long process, and a lot of thoughts and feelings are going to go through your head.
     
    Ronin, littleoc, Zoogal and 2 others like this.
  10. Teamwork

    Teamwork Active Member

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    Standing still with you in this very difficult time and sending peace to you through the voices of others here and those who surround you there in the days to come. May you be able to come to a place of understanding and find a container for your grief.
     
    littleoc, Freida and mumstheword like this.
  11. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    I'm travelling ok. I felt him yesterday, very strongly, and it was quite joyous. I feel he is free of his pain now. We are the ones hurting, the ones still here.
    I have loads of support. I overmedicated myself last night though, and couldn't get up and go out and attend to my Monday routine.

    Already had a big phone convo with my bestie his "widow" in a sense, although, technically, they weren't married, they did have lots of love and care for each other. I know it. I witnessed it. It was very beautiful.

    Now it's sad, that my closest girlfriend has lost the love of her life. But she is also well supported. We are both doing ok, although, of course, her loss is greater than mine. She is a Christian and has fellowship support and a lovely Pastor, too, who came to her home and is on call for her. I met him, he seems like a very kind and genuine man.

    I should have gone to yoga today. I missed the bus and my friend who I'm currently living with, had to work, so no lift from him.

    Planning to get up very early and go to a yoga class, here, in my village, that I've never been.to before. It Wil be a big stretch for me, I hope I can do it.:unsure::(;)
     
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  12. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

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    Much love and support to you, and if it's at all appropriate, hugs for bestie as well <3
     
    mumstheword and Freida like this.
  13. Swift

    Swift I'm a VIP

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    Hey matey.
    How you travelling today? I was thinking about your post on the drive home. Grief is a process.
     
    Freida likes this.
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