Terryrocks
New Here
Hi everyone,
I found this forum and have been reading through the threads and they have been helping me come to terms with what has happened between me and my GF these past few weeks. But I'm still struggling really hard.
My story: I'm 37, she's 40. She was in a very abusive 5 years relationship which ended about 5 months before we started dating. Her ex was a narcissist who was both physically and emotionally abusive. She's told me pieces of the abuse but has never shared with me the depth of the trauma she went thru with her ex.
Everything was going really well with us for the first couple of months, we were so happy together. My GF always treated me with respect and never played games with me. She would want to spend every free night/ day with me that she wasn't working or with her son. We texted all day long and communicated. We were always so happy when we were together.
But as our relationship progressed I did notice that I would occasionally trigger her and I would try my best not to. Eg; the first time I asked her for a video call, that triggered her because her ex would constantly check in on her with video. Eg: I mentioned I would take care of her through her next surgery and she got triggered because she interpreted that as controlling her future. Usually, I would sense when I triggered her and then we would talk it out.
Over the past couple of weeks, her ex started sending her messages, even tried contacting her son. I could see the signs of CPTSD getting worse- she was becoming fearful, paranoid, anxious, exhausted, started becoming a little avoidant, kept repeating over and over that she can't understand why she stayed with her ex for so long. But she still wanted to see me and was still communicating. Then It got to the point where my GF had to file a restraining order against her ex, and then she started to unravel. The timing could not be worse because she simultaneously got covid, so I could not be with her to support her. I ended up not seeing her for nearly a month.
We had a video call and I could see she was in a really bad place. I was super worried about her being alone with covid and being isolated while her ex was attacking her. My friends told me to ask her for a check-in call everyday. I accidentally forgot about her trigger with videos calls and asked for a nightly check-in. This ended up being the worst thing I could've asked for at the worst possible time.
A few days later, we have a call and she is suddenly breaking up with me, she tells me that her ex had contacted her again, and then started telling me she can't handle a relationship right now, that she was overwhelmed and can't take care of anyone else. I was stunned, it was like I was talking to a completely different person. She was cold. She also lied about her schedule and was very vehement that she didn't have time for a relationship or me in her life.
I told her if she needed space, it was ok, but begged her not to break up with me like this because she was doing it from a bad place. She spent the next few weeks avoiding me and blowing me off and texting me sparingly. Eventually, she agreed to see me last week. We talked, we hugged, we kissed. Realizing this could be the last time I have the chance to tell her, I finally told her that I loved her. I had been meaning to tell her but never got the opportunity because of all the crap that was happening to her between her ex and covid.
She responded and said that she couldn't say that she loved me now because she was having difficulty feeling. She said that she wasn't sure she could handle being in a relationship. She told me that she knows that my intentions weren't bad, but me having asked for the check-ins just made her break. And that her friend then convinced her that she isn't in the right place for a relationship.
I'm wrecked. My sweet, loving GF is gone. Just a few weeks ago, even when she was feeling down, we were planning a weekend getaway, she was telling me she missed me... And then within just 5 days, she is suddenly breaking up with me and completely distancing herself from me.
She is away now on vacation with her family for her birthday. A vacation she has completely discluded me from, and it hurts. Before she left, I asked her what I could do to make her feel safe. She said to "be patient". She said, "she was trying but feels so detached". And She said that we'd see where things go when she gets back in town. She also said that I could take her out for her birthday when I got back. But at this point, she is messaging me sparingly.
I'm now stuck in this horrible halfway between missing her, wanting to have hope, and also trying to accept that there is nothing else I can do if she doesn't want me in her life. I'm struggling to cope with her change in personality and behavior, which in itself has triggered me.
I myself have a history of suffering from CPTSD that was caused by being in an abusive relationship with an ex who has NPD for 12 years. It took time and therapy but I've been in a really good place these past few years... but when my GF did a 180 to me, this has triggered me and "activated" my own CPTSD emotions. I've become depressed, anxious, and I feel like I feel myself disassociating.
Any advice, comfort, is welcome
I found this forum and have been reading through the threads and they have been helping me come to terms with what has happened between me and my GF these past few weeks. But I'm still struggling really hard.
My story: I'm 37, she's 40. She was in a very abusive 5 years relationship which ended about 5 months before we started dating. Her ex was a narcissist who was both physically and emotionally abusive. She's told me pieces of the abuse but has never shared with me the depth of the trauma she went thru with her ex.
Everything was going really well with us for the first couple of months, we were so happy together. My GF always treated me with respect and never played games with me. She would want to spend every free night/ day with me that she wasn't working or with her son. We texted all day long and communicated. We were always so happy when we were together.
But as our relationship progressed I did notice that I would occasionally trigger her and I would try my best not to. Eg; the first time I asked her for a video call, that triggered her because her ex would constantly check in on her with video. Eg: I mentioned I would take care of her through her next surgery and she got triggered because she interpreted that as controlling her future. Usually, I would sense when I triggered her and then we would talk it out.
Over the past couple of weeks, her ex started sending her messages, even tried contacting her son. I could see the signs of CPTSD getting worse- she was becoming fearful, paranoid, anxious, exhausted, started becoming a little avoidant, kept repeating over and over that she can't understand why she stayed with her ex for so long. But she still wanted to see me and was still communicating. Then It got to the point where my GF had to file a restraining order against her ex, and then she started to unravel. The timing could not be worse because she simultaneously got covid, so I could not be with her to support her. I ended up not seeing her for nearly a month.
We had a video call and I could see she was in a really bad place. I was super worried about her being alone with covid and being isolated while her ex was attacking her. My friends told me to ask her for a check-in call everyday. I accidentally forgot about her trigger with videos calls and asked for a nightly check-in. This ended up being the worst thing I could've asked for at the worst possible time.
A few days later, we have a call and she is suddenly breaking up with me, she tells me that her ex had contacted her again, and then started telling me she can't handle a relationship right now, that she was overwhelmed and can't take care of anyone else. I was stunned, it was like I was talking to a completely different person. She was cold. She also lied about her schedule and was very vehement that she didn't have time for a relationship or me in her life.
I told her if she needed space, it was ok, but begged her not to break up with me like this because she was doing it from a bad place. She spent the next few weeks avoiding me and blowing me off and texting me sparingly. Eventually, she agreed to see me last week. We talked, we hugged, we kissed. Realizing this could be the last time I have the chance to tell her, I finally told her that I loved her. I had been meaning to tell her but never got the opportunity because of all the crap that was happening to her between her ex and covid.
She responded and said that she couldn't say that she loved me now because she was having difficulty feeling. She said that she wasn't sure she could handle being in a relationship. She told me that she knows that my intentions weren't bad, but me having asked for the check-ins just made her break. And that her friend then convinced her that she isn't in the right place for a relationship.
I'm wrecked. My sweet, loving GF is gone. Just a few weeks ago, even when she was feeling down, we were planning a weekend getaway, she was telling me she missed me... And then within just 5 days, she is suddenly breaking up with me and completely distancing herself from me.
She is away now on vacation with her family for her birthday. A vacation she has completely discluded me from, and it hurts. Before she left, I asked her what I could do to make her feel safe. She said to "be patient". She said, "she was trying but feels so detached". And She said that we'd see where things go when she gets back in town. She also said that I could take her out for her birthday when I got back. But at this point, she is messaging me sparingly.
I'm now stuck in this horrible halfway between missing her, wanting to have hope, and also trying to accept that there is nothing else I can do if she doesn't want me in her life. I'm struggling to cope with her change in personality and behavior, which in itself has triggered me.
I myself have a history of suffering from CPTSD that was caused by being in an abusive relationship with an ex who has NPD for 12 years. It took time and therapy but I've been in a really good place these past few years... but when my GF did a 180 to me, this has triggered me and "activated" my own CPTSD emotions. I've become depressed, anxious, and I feel like I feel myself disassociating.
Any advice, comfort, is welcome