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Relationship My girlfriend has PTSD pushing me away.. decided to break up. Will she come back?

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billtfdb

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Hi, I'd keep reading this forum for a while, but I'm finally reaching out for some advice. I still wonder. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year. For me, she is the love of my life, and I still love her no matter what. At first, we went on dating, and she talked with me about what she went through in her life:

She is in a family that never shows love to her; her mom treats her like she is the problem of her life since she was young. Her father loved her when she was a kid. But when she turned adult her father was always absent from her life. The first time she had trauma was when she went to the university. Her first ex has beaten her psychologically and emotionally. She felt worthless and kept looking out the window for years and then decided to go to therapy.

She is still recovering and has met a new one, the second ex; she thinks he is the one she can rely on, but this guy betrayed her. She realized that this man already had a wife. But never told her before, And she felt like an adulterer. She was so frustrated and hurt badly. She was in the situation for a year, too, and decided to come out.

Our relationships in the first 2 - 3 months were beautiful and amazing, but she became more distant as time passed. We're not living together, but we talk on the phone daily and meet weekly. The first time we fought, she screamed at me, became panic, treated me like I'm a worthless person, and I feel that way. Because I couldn't do anything back then to help her. So I just stay quiet by her side, but she'll ask me why I'm quiet and then become panic again.


That was when I discovered she might have PTSD due to her past experiences, and her trauma is still there even though she has been in therapy for a year. This happened 3 times in our relationships; we managed to get past it and get back together again.


But the last time was different. She recently has a new job and got COVID. I can't live nearby her, but I'm still sending her food and medicine be supported her as I can.

Then she returned to work, her boss treated her badly, and that day was her breaking point.

She told me she needed to break up with me and she would never return again. I felt so devastated and helpless. I want to help and care for her, but she never let me in. She said she was not ready for a relationship status right now and had nothing to do with me. She said she didn't feel anything for me anymore. It instantly switches off. She tells me she will get back to therapy on the weekend. That is when I start to give her boundaries and not text or call her.

But honestly, I'm caring for her and just want to see her. I went to the hospital, but she didn't come. I decided to call her, but she even left her phone with a stranger, and I couldn't find her for two days.

When she returns to work, I try going to visit her. At first, I thought I was going to be a surprise. But I should ask her permission first via text, and she always said no.

So I have decided to give her boundaries and not contact her anymore. I love her, I respect her as she is the love of my life, and all I can I hope is she will return to me.

I am here asking for advice on how to approach her situation. Do you think she will return? How should I handle this situation? Is there anyone who has likely the situation and can share their experience? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.
 
I am here asking for advice on how to approach her situation. Do you think she will return? How should I handle this situation? Is there anyone who has likely the situation and can share their experience? Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.
There’s really no way to tell what any individual will do… some people break up and get back together almost constantly, those who give it a go a few times and are done, those who isolate whilst still together, those who break up & are done, full stop.

IME What someone else’s patterns are, is less important, than what my own are / what I’m willing to tolerate.

***

PERSONALLY, speaking as both a sufferer & supporter, I don’t do the break up and get back together, thing. If someone breaks up with me when things are hard? Finis. I don’t care of they want me back when things are better. They didn’t involve me in the decision to take some time/space, they made a unilateral decision. Which is their right. The exact same way I can leave anyone, for any reason, at any time. To be IN a relationship? Takes 2 people agreeing to. As they decided to take any choice, compromise, or teamwork off the table? Completely removing me from the decision making process? I can respect that. I’m also not signing up for that, long term. Because that’s not how I operate.

I have friends who are the opposite. They break up & get back together whenever either of them wants to act independently, with “no” fallout for their behaviors when they’re not together. (Sleeping around, quitting/taking new jobs, reinventing themselves in whatever way they please, not feeling obligated to stay in contact, doing risky shit the other person would never tolerate, etc.) That works for them, so more power to them. It’s just not what works for me, and not how I want to live my life.

***

So what works for you, how do you want to live your life? Does the way she lives her life work with that?
 
So what works for you, how do you want to live your life? Does the way she lives her life work with that?
When she said no to me in that last situation, I told her that I was ok, whenever you are ready or open to talking, I'm there to listen. She said she agreed with me. Is this a sign the situation is repairable? We just need time?

I'm trying to focus on self-care and hope she will come around when she is ready. I want to make sure that I am not forcing anything but gently giving love and support when it is needed - so I'm trying to figure out the best approach to take without pushing or pressuring her into something she isn't ready for.
 
When she said no to me in that last situation, I told her that I was ok, whenever you are ready or open to talking, I'm there to listen. She said she agreed with me. Is this a sign the situation is repairable? We just need time?
I really have no idea, but rather doubt it.

If it were me, someone saying whenever you’re ready or open to talking, I’m there to listen… lets me off the hook entirely. It means I NEVER have any obligation to say anything to them, ever again. And I’ve taken that option, many many times. I smile. I say thanks. Because I do appreciate that they’re letting me off the hook cleanly, instead of picking a fight. And then I never talk with them again. Or touch base in 5 or 10 years when our lives happen to intersect.

But the whole

“it’s over” + “if you ever wanna talk” = “okay, thanks”

Isn’t something that inspires much expectation
 
I really have no idea, but rather doubt it.

If it were me, someone saying whenever you’re ready or open to talking, I’m there to listen… lets me off the hook entirely. It means I NEVER have any obligation to say anything to them, ever again. And I’ve taken that option, many many times. I smile. I say thanks. Because I do appreciate that they’re letting me off the hook cleanly, instead of picking a fight. And then I never talk with them again. Or touch base in 5 or 10 years when our lives happen to intersect.

But the whole

“it’s over” + “if you ever wanna talk” = “okay, thanks”

Isn’t something that inspires much expectation
Your opinion is giving me a whole new perspective. Thank you for your insight!
 
I think it is so easy to fall into the trap of not taking prospective partners at their word, that it is so easy to read more into the situation because it isn’t what we want. Of course when someone acts out of character, we want to know the whys, but when they reveal themselves as your partner has done, believe what they say, grieve for the relationship, lick your wounds and move on.
 
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