Relationship My Girlfriend is currently dealing with Trauma from a past relationship.

Jonathan31

New Here
My Girlfriend is currently dealing with trauma from a relationship that she was in about 4 years ago. I noticed symptoms starting getting worse when she started talking to me about some of her experiences with him.

She has always had a hard time communicating with me about how she feels, discussing relationship issues, and even conversations around what both are individuals needs are in the relationship. I often get one or two word answers when trying to discuss what my needs are and/or asking about hers.

She has stopped sending me the loving messages that i am used to through out the day. I think i may have put some pressure on her to communicate with me, because i often find it frustrating when she does not talk to me. i know i should not feel that way but it is how i do.

I am starting to understand that her shutting down may be a result of the trauma that has resurfaced. I have tried to be there for her as much as possible. I have supported her and encouraged her, listened to her when she needed me to, and tried to help her by purchasing her a trauma work book. Despite me putting effort out, i feel like i am not getting my needs met and that she is not putting out the safe amount of effort. We have talked about this, and she has agreed that she has a hard time meeting my needs. I understand that, but I am not sure if I should continue to be patient and wait until things get better or if there is something else i should be doing? I hate to say this, but i think i have developed a bit of resentment. She comes off so cold when I see her and like she is not fully present when we spend time together.

I would appreciate your thoughts. This is the first experience i have had dealing with a partner who is dealing with relationship trauma.
 
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vleon

Learning
i know i should not feel that way but it is how i do
Why shouldn't you?
I am not sure if I should continue to be patient and wait until things get better or if there is something else i should be doing?
You write about the effort you're making to help her. What is she doing?
If I were you, I would only stay in the relationship if she decided to get help and tried communicate with you. I would tell her that in a as compassionate way as possible. It won't be easy for her, but one person being cold to the other over time isn't much of a relationship.
 

Bootstrap

New Here
How long have you been together? Kind of reminds me of how it felt after the honeymoon phase faded out.
There are a lot of people here with much more experience than me. My 2c:

She has always had a hard time communicating with me about how she feels, discussing relationship issues, and even conversations around what both are individuals needs are in the relationship. I often get one or two word answers when trying to discuss what my needs are and/or asking about hers.
It can be so hard when you’re trying to engage with someone and it feels like they’re shutting you out. A lot of heavier conversations with mine can take a week or two to finish for that same reason

She has stopped sending me the loving messages that i am used to through out the day. I think i may have put some pressure on her to communicate with me, because i often find it frustrating when she does not talk to me. i know i should not feel that way but it is how i do.
Sorry 😓. It’s absolutely normal to want communication from your partner. It’s normal that you need to feel loved in your relationship. I’m sorry that you’re not feeling that right now

I am starting to understand that her shutting down may be a result of the trauma that has resurfaced. I have tried to be there for her as much as possible. I have supported her and encouraged her, listened to her when she needed me to, and tried to help her by purchasing her a trauma work book. Despite me putting effort out, i feel like i am not getting my needs met and that she is not putting out the safe amount of effort. We have talked about this, and she has agreed that she has a hard time meeting my needs. I understand that, but I am not sure if I should continue to be patient and wait until things get better or if there is something else i should be doing? I hate to say this, but i think i have developed a bit of resentment. She comes off so cold when I see her and like she is not fully present when we spend time together.
I’ve noticed my partner just withdraw emotionally before. If it goes on for awhile it often means she needs some space. It took awhile for her to feel safe enough to let me know when she needed to be alone.

I see that your partner seems withdrawn, and I see you pushing her to communicate more, pushing to find a solution. She might not be in a place to respond to that pressure right now. Some of the sufferers talk about going into survival mode, where the only thing they can focus on is getting through each moment. I don’t know if that’s what’s going on with her right now; there’s always plenty of reasons for one partner in a relationship to be cold, ptsd or no. But if you’ve been digging up traumatic experiences with her, it’s possible. I do hope she’s also talking to a therapist about these.

I would appreciate your thoughts. This is the first experience i have had dealing with a partner who is dealing with relationship trauma.
It’s hard sometimes. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t always seem present. It’s hard to be with someone that can’t always reciprocate your love. It’s hard to be with someone that can become scared of or angry at you for reasons that aren’t immediately clear.

You get to decide how patient you can be; and I’ve seen others describe the incredible amounts of patience and compassion they show to their partners. I don’t think it’s something that everyone can do.

You get to decide what you need in a relationship to be happy. If she can’t meet those, that’s okay. You’ll never be able to push her into it. She’ll have to decide if she wants to put the work in
 
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