Relationship My girlfriend was sexually abused

skyguy84

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My girlfriend has PTSD from an abusive previous relationship (not limited to sexual abuse). The relationship ended months ago and then when she was single, a guy tried to force her to give him oral (also months ago). She's also an addict that she's seeking help for. We've been friends for years and just started dating. She said she needs a lot of work done and isn't ready for sex but we kiss and cuddle when out in public. The other day when we were out i took her to do laundry and I noticed that a lot of her panties were sexy and when she bent over i noticed that she was wearing a thong. I asked her about it because I was genuinely confused and wanted to understand. She went off on me saying "What? Rape victims are only allowed to wear certain types of panties?! That's revolting and disgusting!" Since then she's been very angry with me. It makes me wonder if she's not AS damaged as she claims. Can someone help explain this?
 
Oh you’ve f*cked up, my guy. Pants are absolutely not any sort of indication of how ready someone is for sex or how ‘damaged’ they are.

People wear thongs for loads of reasons, comfort, no panty lines with certain types of trousers, mobility in sport etc. She may well wear them because she wants to feel sexy and confident for herself. Nothing to do with you.

Also
It makes me wonder if she's not AS damaged as she claims
You are an asshole. Firstly she isn’t some damaged goods, she’s supposed to be your girlfriend pal, which incase you hadn’t twigged, you are meant to be her right hand man. Which means you believe her, and you support her, and you don’t think she’s lying to you about not being ready for sex just because of her choice of pants.
 
My girlfriend has PTSD from an abusive previous relationship (not limited to sexual abuse). The relationship ended months ago and then when she was single, a guy tried to force her to give him oral (also months ago). She's also an addict that she's seeking help for. We've been friends for years and just started dating. She said she needs a lot of work done and isn't ready for sex but we kiss and cuddle when out in public. The other day when we were out i took her to do laundry and I noticed that a lot of her panties were sexy and when she bent over i noticed that she was wearing a thong. I asked her about it because I was genuinely confused and wanted to understand. She went off on me saying "What? Rape victims are only allowed to wear certain types of panties?! That's revolting and disgusting!" Since then she's been very angry with me. It makes me wonder if she's not AS damaged as she claims. Can someone help explain this?
We cant judge someone's emotional trauma and if they have been honest with their story just by the type of panties she is wearing.

Of course she is angry at you. You got her hurt pretty bad by doubting her.

I got a bruise on my thigh because my son was upset and hit me. I sent the picture to someone that I trust and he was upset seeing the bruise. Two weeks later we were being intimate and we were joking about marking each other (hickey), he joked that the bruise might as well a hickey from someone else and not a bruise after all. He was joking but to me it was very offensive and insensitive joke. It got me hurt pretty bad.

Also, some victims of abuse are very good with masking. From the surface, they might look normal and smiling.. but that doesnt mean they lied about the abuse they are dealing with on daily basis.

Try to look for more behavioral clues if u are doubting her story. Has she always been consistent with her words for these past few years you know her as a friend..
 
I’ll say this as nicely as I can without making any kind of direct comment.

Trauma reactions can vary from prude to slut. Ok that sounds horrible but it is what it is. Your girlfriend’s thong wearing is quite possibly not a trauma reaction but I say this to drive home the point that you cannot judge someone’s behavior and determine if they were abused or how badly they were abused. I personally went the prude route (very common) but the dominant literature/belief at the time was to look for sexually acting out, which is why my abuse went completely undetected by EVERYONE.

Anyway, you can’t judge the extent of the damage by how someone behaves, what they wear, etc.
 
Thank you all for your help.

We met at work and even fooled around there but no sex. After she broke up with her ex she said she needed to be single for a while and play the field because "everyone knows that rebounds don't last" as she put it. People were telling me that doesn't make sense. If she had true feelings for me then she either would've fought for us or said she needed to be alone for a while. But she went and slept with guys.

We had a falling out because I noticed that she was spiraling with drinking. She didn't listen and ended up getting fired. People told me I could never trust her. She asked for a second chance and told me I wouldn't regret it. We dont fool around but when we drive she says she feels safe when I drive with a hand on her leg.

Then I caught her shoplifting. I told her if she did it again it's a deal breaker. I caught her shoplifting again the other day but she's denying it and knit picking and twisting my words telling me I'm abandoning her.

I'm renting a room for her and buying her groceries. She's claiming she can't find a job.
 
Thank you all for your help.

We met at work and even fooled around there but no sex. After she broke up with her ex she said she needed to be single for a while and play the field because "everyone knows that rebounds don't last" as she put it. People were telling me that doesn't make sense. If she had true feelings for me then she either would've fought for us or said she needed to be alone for a while. But she went and slept with guys.

We had a falling out because I noticed that she was spiraling with drinking. She didn't listen and ended up getting fired. People told me I could never trust her. She asked for a second chance and told me I wouldn't regret it. We dont fool around but when we drive she says she feels safe when I drive with a hand on her leg.

Then I caught her shoplifting. I told her if she did it again it's a deal breaker. I caught her shoplifting again the other day but she's denying it and knit picking and twisting my words telling me I'm abandoning her.

I'm renting a room for her and buying her groceries. She's claiming she can't find a job.

Did you catch her red handed shop lifting that second time? I mean like you actually have an evidence and not just suspicion? If so, based on your story that she twisted your words and making you be the bad guy for confronting her and playing victim, she was trying to manipulate you.

You have warned that shop lifting is a deal breaker and if you had an evidence she was still doing so, my advise would be to leave her.

Her story of abuse might be true and she is struggiling on daily basis with her mental health and trauma might be true as well.. but I dont think it would be fair on you to justify her behaviour towards you (liying and manipulative).
 
Thank you all. I broke up with her. She said that what she was hiding from me was that she stole those items from a different store and was checking to see if they would match something that she wanted but still declared that she did nothing wrong and was still making me out to be the bad guy saying that I wasn't the one communicating with her and I'm abandoning her etc. I even told her that I had joined this site in order to help us but she basically told me that the whole world is wrong and only she is right.

Thank you all and good luck to you.
 
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