My history. I am looking for advice.

Not open for further replies.


New Here
Hello everyone,

The text is very long. You can go straight to points 5 and 6. The main point: I work and see every day with a family that did not care about me. Will a change of environment help me ?

1) I have known for 8 years that something is wrong with me. I tried going to psychologists, but I gave up explaining to myself: you don't need it, it's not so bad with you, others have bigger problems. My family all my life did not allow me to say what was going on in our house and claimed that I was perpetually uncomfortable with something.This was a mistake - I really needed it. R They care a lot about opinion. I am overly vigilant and I did not establish a relationship with any of the specialists. The diagnoses were different : low self-esteem, borderline, social phobia. I came across Paul Walker's book and it is a breakthrough for me. It's like I'm reading a book about myself.

2) My narcissistic mother gave birth to me when she was a teenager. My Father walked out on her. Because of this, she abused me mentally and physically. I am a so-called abandoned child. She often left me with my grandparents because she wanted to finish school. I repeatedly heard that I was a slip-up, that because of me she couldn't choose her dream university, study languages. I couldn't have my own opinion. It was always ridiculed or treated with contempt. This translated into relationships with others. I became very close to my mother's sister. She was completely different. She showed me interest and warmth. She was as if she was not from our family. Eventually she left and I told myself that I would definitely leave too when I grew up. I tried to get attention and warmth from my grandparents and mother, but they always treated me like air. I even made a clown of myself to please them, but this aroused their contempt for me. My father returned to my mother but all my life it was as if he was gone. He Let himself be terrorized by her. Father Never helped me in my time of need and later also began to ridicule me, although he is weak himself. I regretted that I was born into this family. My younger brother was born. My mother treats him like a god. I never experienced from my parents what he did. He is 100% subservient to them just as my parents were to my grandparents. I was constantly fighting with my parents - I'm not proud of that. I couldn't count on anything anyway, so it was all the same to me. I didn't want to fall further. Once, while being ridiculed by my drunken father, I grabbed him and threw him to the ground. The rest of the family dragged me away and I came out as "the bad guy" - I always come out as the guilty one.

3)My grandparents run 2 restaurants. One year-round and one seasonal. I wanted to work with my friends during the vacations, but they always urged me to work with them because strangers would cheat me, take advantage of me (how ironic). I worked with them, but I knew I didn't want to work here. All my life I do what my family wants. Because of alcohol, I didn't study in high school. I drank every weekend for 2 years and didn't go to school. In the last grade I met a girl and we became a couple. My brother joined my parents and they ridiculed me and my girlfriend. Now I see that my girlfriend is also not as good a person as I thought. She used my shortcomings to her advantage. I passed my high school diploma and chose any college to just go away. My family has a lot of money. I felt better because they were gone, but I was forever replaying learned toxic behaviors. I starved myself to save even though I had money.

4) I graduated from college. I couldn't find a good job. The family needed an employee and they lied to me that it would be better with them. I went back to the family business full time. This was a huge mistake. They kept saying, "if you want to make a good living you better work here - other people live worse. You'd better not open a business, because you'll go into debt right away." We work six days a week. I once got sick with tonsillitis - I couldn't sleep all night from the pain. I called in the morning that I wouldn't be at work. Customers came in and one asked where I was. My grandfather replied: he made up his illness, he doesn't want to work. My father even worked for him with a broken arm, because "it's a family business - we have to work." I had enough of that and left. My family "turned away" from me.

5) I worked in several places. I didn't like it because I couldn't get along with others. (My fault and my narcissism - it's a little better now). My father called me to see if I would go back to work, because he is alone and can't handle it. The grandparents did not want a foreign worker, and there were duties for several people. I agreed and quickly regretted it. Again the mocking of me, criticizing and comparing me to my wonderful brother began. Grandpa aka the boss is constantly dissatisfied with our work. He constantly complains about us even though the 2 of us do the duties of 3-4 people. We have a semi-open kitchen so customers can hear everything. He constantly stands over us and explains what to do how, even though I have done some tasks hundreds of times. Once I pointed this out to him he felt offended and tried to make me feel guilty (my family is a master at this). They are forever looking at my hands and perpetually something doesn't suit them. Every day they find "new problems" and topics to complain about. My grandfather is a war veteran. I once argued with him in front of customers because he started calling us idiots. For a trivial reason. He was not right. I couldn't stand it and started chasing him. He ran away from me. Now I often react with aggression.
I am often mean to them even if they are nice or neutral. Like they did in the past.
I'm tired of pretending. I used to be depressive - people said I had a face like a sad dog - now it has turned into aggression. I am not like this all the time but when someone crosses my boundaries I react with aggression.
My Father puts up with such insults, but I have had enough of it. I Every day I get up irritated to go to work. At the mere sight of my father and grandfather my blood pressure jumps. Grandpa is forever complaining: taxes too high, products more expensive, customers bad, we work badly(according to him).
I think I'm sick of it - I'm sick of my family and this job. I hate this place. I earn well and I'm afraid that it will actually be bad and they will get me to come back again. Upon my return I felt like useless crap. My family continues to ridicule me, but "quietly". They think I'm crazy. My parents pretend to be great caretakers, because my brother is the ideal. A's alone, exemplary behavior. They often compare us. But I know they are spoiled. They want to tell everyone that it's something wrong with me. I'm certainly not a "normal" person, but someone bears responsibility. I blamed myself all my life, but Paul's book opened my eyes. I once berated my mother for treating me badly and favoring my brother then she said that no one had it easy and let's see how I will take care of my children. She tried to make me feel guilty. This killed me. Zero self-criticism. I am annoyed when I get a text from them or they call me. In the past, they perpetually wanted something from me and then I heard that I can't do anything.

6) Changing the environment and cutting myself off from my family will help me at least a little ? When I am on leave / have a vacation ( which is really hard to get in this company ) I am much calmer. When I come back here everything comes back. What is your opinion on this subject ? Here the paycheck is good, but I have no time for anything and I'm perpetually in fighting mode. I perpetually feel defective. I get terribly tired and transfer my aggression to my girlfriend. Like my mother on me. I am ashamed of this. I am afraid that strangers will also cause me flashbacks. I am becoming more and more like them.

Thank you for reading and best regards
Decide what you want in terms of better life and in the better life what do you want to carry forward. You may be the first to break the chain. But as you have begun to see, everytime you get entangled in the chain of family your behavior comes back to being suffocated or regulated by the family chain. I’m using the word this way to say, as long as you are entangled in it life is not pleasurable and is hurtful and remains unchanged. Walker helps you to move forward. If your girlfriend helps you move forward too then let her in to knowing what you are working on and what you’ve been through. Plenty have left family and healed as they set their own course. Plenty have stayed or kept up visits only to have wounds reopened and more work to do. There is always fear in breaking away. You are gaining great recognition, especially when you state, I am becoming more and more like them, so choose you. Set a new course for your life because even in doing that you have work to do. This stuff doesn’t disappear when we walk away, but the calm helps us get our work done with more clarity and a vision of who we really are when no one is tampering with us in abusive or negative ways.
hello mark. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

6) Changing the environment and cutting myself off from my family will help me at least a little ? When I am on leave / have a vacation ( which is really hard to get in this company ) I am much calmer. When I come back here everything comes back. What is your opinion on this subject ?

this has been a recurring theme throughout my 40 odd years of recovery from child prostitution. i subscribe strongly to the theory that change is the goal but in my own case, i had a desperate charge to change everything, all at one time. chaos was the natural result of these huge, storms of change. perhaps that was necessary while i was trapped in throwaway kidville but not so much as an adult attempting to build a secure base of operations.

somewhere in the late 70's, my therapy support network started nagging me about, "small steps, one step at a time." it took a decade or three of nagging to build an awareness of my chaotic habit of taking on too much. i still nag myself on that score, but small, single steps really are more manageable. nagging is a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. the job is a little cleaner when i successfully nag my own self.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

gentle support while you sort your own case, mark. welcome aboard. sort freely. sort often.
Not open for further replies.