This might be a long read, have to get some shit out I guess.
Some background info. I have Cptsd from childhood neglect and emotional abuse by my parents, and sexual abuse in infancy and teen years by a couple of different perps. I met my husband 11 years ago, we've been together since. We were both in a bad situation when we met, we grew together, we were fine, got married and bought a house, made a career.
Three years ago, my trauma's decided that 'this is the time to get through all this shit', and things have been pretty bad since then.
I've come to realize I've always been the one to carry the relationship. The practical things, but also the emotional things. Also; staying calm in an argument because my husband has some anger issues.... yeah. Red flag. He's never physically hit me or sexually abused me, nowhere near it! And I think I've always thought that it wasn't so bad then.
But he can get mean. Passive agressive. He throws stuff, he shouts, he scoffs at me. He gets irritated, frustrated, and angry.
He rarely ever says he's sorry. Not because he doesn't want to, I can see him struggling with it. He's been practicing it though. So he often does say sorry. Thing is, that's all he says. He gives me a hug and says he's sorry. That's just not enough after hours of being bat shit angry. At least, i want to share how it makes me feel. I want my voice to be heard, my feelings and thoughts to be allowed. And then he gets mad when only the word 'sorry' isnt enough for me to melt back down into relaxation.
After two years of me begging, pleading, he finally agreed to go talk to someone. Me being mentally unstable and unable to do everything required to like... live a decent life, meant he had to step up a bit. Really, a bit. I still do finances, bills, groceries, cooking, housework, insurancestuff, carstuff etc. He has to manage trash, basically. But we needed to turn things around, and he can't handle.. well, life. He's depressed, burnt out, I don't know what. He's not in a good place, that's for sure, and he's finally talking to someone, but he's not actually commiting to it. He has an appointment every month or so, and besides that, doesn't invest any time or energy. He doesnt even know his counceler's name.
We're also in couples counceling since a couple of months, but we haven't touched the big stuff yet.
What makes matters worse is that, a couple of weeks ago, my husband stated he didnt know if he wanted to continue this marriage. At the time, I understood, I couldnt blame him. I don't know what our future will be like, I don't know if I'll get stable enough to be able to raise kids. (BUT, I've always told him I would never, ever, have kids with him if he doesnt resolve his anger issues.)
I was mostly crying. He was crying too. We weren't angry. We love eachother.
But now, honestly. I'm PISSED. I'm frustrated. But mostly angry.
He insists I need to get better. He finally agreed to be part of my recovery. We agree on something, but he doesnt do it. When I was in full crisis mode and barely concious he left me alone and ate some shoarma. He didnt see to it that I got my regular meds, let alone my crisis meds. When the crisis unit called he didn't even explain how bad it was.
The basic stuff is difficult for me: eating, personal hygiene, etc. I need to manage my energy. We agreed on lunching together this week ( he has a week off work). He just decides he's not hungry. Or says he's busy and doesn't tell me when we ARE going to eat.
He gets angry when I tell him I don't like it when he just ignores what we said we would do and can't even give me some clarity on when we WILL do it for example.
And then at the end of the day, when I'm just tired of having to adapt to him all the time, he get's angry, again. And I have to take my Haldol to not have a goddamn psychotic break.
The thing is. He's got issues. But every goddamn time he displays these issues, I get reaaaaaaal angry. Because he always tells me how MY ISSUES are what's causing the disruption of are future. MY ISSUES are the problem. When I tell him his issues affect me too, and set back my recovery, he gets passive agressive. He says that his issues don't compare to mine, that they shouldnt even be a point of discussion because I'M the real problem here.
So everytime his issues come up now, I just can't. I can't. I don't want to be there for him. He can't be there for me, and blames me for everything. I feel angry, alone, scared. Everything. Scared mostly because he's unpredictable, but now, very angry. Why should I keep adapting to his aggressive behaviour with - if i'm lucky - óne sorry at the end?
I get stuck in it.
Right now, he's been pissed off for over four hours because he bought shoes he decided he didn't want. He ignores me. He slams the doors. He says he doesnt want to be home. He says he doesnt want to do anything. When I ask him if I should cook (he was supposed to cook this time, because the shopping trip we did was quite exhausting), he doesnt even respond en just walks away. He shouted at the cats, and for a moment I got angry but then I just got scared and froze along with them.
1. I get these responses. I know they can happen. I don't really blame him for it, I got shit going on too.
2. What I do blame him for is that he doesnt take responsibility for his actions. His anger - or later, his shame -, always trumps how I feel.
3. I never take anything out on him. And honestly, I don't want to tell the worst things to anyone because I'm ashamed I let them happen. I think that tells me enough about how right or wrong those things are.
4. If I do talk to him about this, say that I can't accept what he does, he always turns it around to be my fault.
And thats where it hurts.
I'm in a relationship with my damn parents. My feelings and needs aren't met. He can't comfort me. He'll almost never owns up to what he did wrong, and he's certainly not taking steps to change something.
At the same time, I get scared that it IS my fault. That I'm really that 'sensitive', as my parents used to say.
The funny thing is, my husband is really mad at my parents for how they treated me. He doesn't really see the similarities.
I do. And my body does it before I do. Because I get triggered all the damn time.
And how to continue? I don't know. I don't want to live in a relationship where my psychiatric issues are used against me: Where I'm told I perceive things wrong. Where my husband uses my weaknesses as his immunityshield; Because my problems are 'worse', he can't do anything wrong. (By the way, according to my husband, he still functions because he still works, and I don't. So that's something I hear all the time. I'm working on myself, I'm still carrying all the responsibility for the household, but ok).
Where my husband can't comfort me. Where I'm still very much alone. My husband doesnt even hug me half of the time when I'm scared, or sad. He just walkes away. Or worse, he just stands a few steps away from me, not responding in any way. He really doesnt know what to do. But he also doesn't seem to want to learn.
Am I really in a bad relationship? Do I get triggered because it IS somehow the same situation or do I just perceive it as such?
In any way, how the hell am I going to go on? When I am so f*cking pissed because all fault is with me, according to him.
So this became more of a rant. I don't expect you guys to have the answer. I'm just tired because I'm starting to realize why I'm not improving much. My husband is home from work and honestly? His 'moods' affect way more of our time than my 'issues'. And my body just. wont. relax. Not around him. Not around that bomb that could go off, and go on for God knows how long.
He's home. We were supposed to spent time and energy to put in our relationship and somehow I feel further and further away from him.
I want to work on it. He says he does too. But it's just words, it's been just words for years. I'm so goddamn tired.
Some background info. I have Cptsd from childhood neglect and emotional abuse by my parents, and sexual abuse in infancy and teen years by a couple of different perps. I met my husband 11 years ago, we've been together since. We were both in a bad situation when we met, we grew together, we were fine, got married and bought a house, made a career.
Three years ago, my trauma's decided that 'this is the time to get through all this shit', and things have been pretty bad since then.
I've come to realize I've always been the one to carry the relationship. The practical things, but also the emotional things. Also; staying calm in an argument because my husband has some anger issues.... yeah. Red flag. He's never physically hit me or sexually abused me, nowhere near it! And I think I've always thought that it wasn't so bad then.
But he can get mean. Passive agressive. He throws stuff, he shouts, he scoffs at me. He gets irritated, frustrated, and angry.
He rarely ever says he's sorry. Not because he doesn't want to, I can see him struggling with it. He's been practicing it though. So he often does say sorry. Thing is, that's all he says. He gives me a hug and says he's sorry. That's just not enough after hours of being bat shit angry. At least, i want to share how it makes me feel. I want my voice to be heard, my feelings and thoughts to be allowed. And then he gets mad when only the word 'sorry' isnt enough for me to melt back down into relaxation.
After two years of me begging, pleading, he finally agreed to go talk to someone. Me being mentally unstable and unable to do everything required to like... live a decent life, meant he had to step up a bit. Really, a bit. I still do finances, bills, groceries, cooking, housework, insurancestuff, carstuff etc. He has to manage trash, basically. But we needed to turn things around, and he can't handle.. well, life. He's depressed, burnt out, I don't know what. He's not in a good place, that's for sure, and he's finally talking to someone, but he's not actually commiting to it. He has an appointment every month or so, and besides that, doesn't invest any time or energy. He doesnt even know his counceler's name.
We're also in couples counceling since a couple of months, but we haven't touched the big stuff yet.
What makes matters worse is that, a couple of weeks ago, my husband stated he didnt know if he wanted to continue this marriage. At the time, I understood, I couldnt blame him. I don't know what our future will be like, I don't know if I'll get stable enough to be able to raise kids. (BUT, I've always told him I would never, ever, have kids with him if he doesnt resolve his anger issues.)
I was mostly crying. He was crying too. We weren't angry. We love eachother.
But now, honestly. I'm PISSED. I'm frustrated. But mostly angry.
He insists I need to get better. He finally agreed to be part of my recovery. We agree on something, but he doesnt do it. When I was in full crisis mode and barely concious he left me alone and ate some shoarma. He didnt see to it that I got my regular meds, let alone my crisis meds. When the crisis unit called he didn't even explain how bad it was.
The basic stuff is difficult for me: eating, personal hygiene, etc. I need to manage my energy. We agreed on lunching together this week ( he has a week off work). He just decides he's not hungry. Or says he's busy and doesn't tell me when we ARE going to eat.
He gets angry when I tell him I don't like it when he just ignores what we said we would do and can't even give me some clarity on when we WILL do it for example.
And then at the end of the day, when I'm just tired of having to adapt to him all the time, he get's angry, again. And I have to take my Haldol to not have a goddamn psychotic break.
The thing is. He's got issues. But every goddamn time he displays these issues, I get reaaaaaaal angry. Because he always tells me how MY ISSUES are what's causing the disruption of are future. MY ISSUES are the problem. When I tell him his issues affect me too, and set back my recovery, he gets passive agressive. He says that his issues don't compare to mine, that they shouldnt even be a point of discussion because I'M the real problem here.
So everytime his issues come up now, I just can't. I can't. I don't want to be there for him. He can't be there for me, and blames me for everything. I feel angry, alone, scared. Everything. Scared mostly because he's unpredictable, but now, very angry. Why should I keep adapting to his aggressive behaviour with - if i'm lucky - óne sorry at the end?
I get stuck in it.
Right now, he's been pissed off for over four hours because he bought shoes he decided he didn't want. He ignores me. He slams the doors. He says he doesnt want to be home. He says he doesnt want to do anything. When I ask him if I should cook (he was supposed to cook this time, because the shopping trip we did was quite exhausting), he doesnt even respond en just walks away. He shouted at the cats, and for a moment I got angry but then I just got scared and froze along with them.
1. I get these responses. I know they can happen. I don't really blame him for it, I got shit going on too.
2. What I do blame him for is that he doesnt take responsibility for his actions. His anger - or later, his shame -, always trumps how I feel.
3. I never take anything out on him. And honestly, I don't want to tell the worst things to anyone because I'm ashamed I let them happen. I think that tells me enough about how right or wrong those things are.
4. If I do talk to him about this, say that I can't accept what he does, he always turns it around to be my fault.
And thats where it hurts.
I'm in a relationship with my damn parents. My feelings and needs aren't met. He can't comfort me. He'll almost never owns up to what he did wrong, and he's certainly not taking steps to change something.
At the same time, I get scared that it IS my fault. That I'm really that 'sensitive', as my parents used to say.
The funny thing is, my husband is really mad at my parents for how they treated me. He doesn't really see the similarities.
I do. And my body does it before I do. Because I get triggered all the damn time.
And how to continue? I don't know. I don't want to live in a relationship where my psychiatric issues are used against me: Where I'm told I perceive things wrong. Where my husband uses my weaknesses as his immunityshield; Because my problems are 'worse', he can't do anything wrong. (By the way, according to my husband, he still functions because he still works, and I don't. So that's something I hear all the time. I'm working on myself, I'm still carrying all the responsibility for the household, but ok).
Where my husband can't comfort me. Where I'm still very much alone. My husband doesnt even hug me half of the time when I'm scared, or sad. He just walkes away. Or worse, he just stands a few steps away from me, not responding in any way. He really doesnt know what to do. But he also doesn't seem to want to learn.
Am I really in a bad relationship? Do I get triggered because it IS somehow the same situation or do I just perceive it as such?
In any way, how the hell am I going to go on? When I am so f*cking pissed because all fault is with me, according to him.
So this became more of a rant. I don't expect you guys to have the answer. I'm just tired because I'm starting to realize why I'm not improving much. My husband is home from work and honestly? His 'moods' affect way more of our time than my 'issues'. And my body just. wont. relax. Not around him. Not around that bomb that could go off, and go on for God knows how long.
He's home. We were supposed to spent time and energy to put in our relationship and somehow I feel further and further away from him.
I want to work on it. He says he does too. But it's just words, it's been just words for years. I'm so goddamn tired.